Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Love. Really Thankyou. I am still in shock though. I had a moment yesterday where the Reality of it all hit me. If you told me a year ago my H would be dropping a bomb, changing into this detached man and decide to leave everything and run away I would have laughed in your face.The man I know for 20 years is not the man in front of me. I still can’t believe his head is that messed up that he can’t see what he’s about to do and lose. The man I knew would have fought for his marriage, love, his kids. I know MLC people are a whole new ballgame but I still can’t believe they are that mentally unhinged and thinking like a 17 year old brain, when they can still walk around normally and talk and function. I am still absolutely heartbroken and shattered, but I am healing myself. Ever so slowly. Keeping myself together for the kids. I don’t want this to be over I don’t want divorce or separation I want my H to be whole again and be back with the ones who love him most. But he’s not whole. He’s broken and a mess. And he needs to go live his reality. If he doesn’t I know he will do this again and again. He needs to come through this crisis on his own. I am kind of glad I won’t be around to watch it

[DnJ]

Hello Patt

thinking like a 17 year old brain.

Yep. And when H was 17 he wasn’t married, didn’t know you, didn’t have kids, and so on. H would definitely fight for his marriage, his kids, his wife. A seventeen year old finding themselves in such a life / situation would freak out. And they run.

D

[Pattnee5]

It really is a strange concept to think that a 48 year old brain and mentality can one day just suddenly switch back to that of a 17 year old.That they can walk around and function and work normally talk normally but then also have this split personality. I really do wonder why it happens.Childhood? Emotional immaturity? His parents are still together but a very strange relationship whereby he never saw them fight or yell or disagree. The dad ruled the roost the mother was a typical housewife and his slave basically. Once their kids hit an age of 23 they were out the door to find their own feet. I would have thought 20 years in my family environment surrounded by love and where family is everything ( we are of European background and family is everything).

Oh well there’s no point trying to psychoanalyse the whole situation. I am more shocked than anything. Angry, sad yes but keeping that in check really well.
If H is going to be a 17 year old I really don’t want 3 kids. Two is enough.

I think if my lesson for anyone here is that I had a clinging boomerang. My H since BD 9 months ago has done nothing but coast through this reality, coming and going and playing dad when he wants and then going away to his space to drink and game. It was almost like he ticked boxes with the kids of errands and household chores. He never gave them fun and experiences. It really was just a daily chore.
For me, I realised if I didn’t pull the pin and instigate this separation properly, instigate selling the house and moving our seperate ways so my life doesn’t stay stagnant, H would have just lived this limbo reality for years. I realised I needed to do this so that he can live HIS choices. Live the reality HE chose, so he can hopefully hit rock bottom get his rubbish together and hopefully pick himself back up. And in true MLC form, when I did what he hasn’t been able to do for so many months, he stamps his foot like a sissy teenage girl and says “ I’m taking a job overseas”
A small part of me feels guilty that I did that, that I instigated his running away and the collateral damage to the kids. I just hope I made the right call. I feel I did. I’m not taking responsibility for his actions that I do know.

[Card29]

I don’t want this to be over I don’t want divorce or separation I want my H to be whole again and be back with the ones who love him most. But he’s not whole. He’s broken and a mess. And he needs to go live his reality. If he doesn’t I know he will do this again and again. He needs to come through this crisis on his own. I am kind of glad I won’t be around to watch it

Think about where you might be today (mentally, emotionally, physically) if H was still in your house living this MLC since December 2022. You would be nowhere near as far along, plus H’s long road would be even longer. You are exactly right to not want to be around the crisis everyday. Keep going!

[Pattnee5]

Yeah I do think that Card.
I also think what if in sept 2024 he is still living this limbo, coming and going, unsure of what he wants , still angry, still drinking still hating his life and job etc. it really isn’t a great life for me and the kids. Limbo is horrible despite needing to “be the lighthouse”.
I think I needed to do this, to push him out into his “seperated” life. And in his hissy fit state he has knee jerk reacted to relocate to the other side of the world ( run Forrest run)
For a very very smart man who has always been logical and has friends who have depression and has encouraged them to seek help and counselling in the past, he sure has done a backflip and doesn’t practice what he preached. Not even a single IC session, not a single self help book, new hobby, anything to pull himself out of this unhappiness, just rather run as far away as he can.
I know if he never lives this reality he will forever hold it against us and always have in his head “ I should have left I should have done it “
There’s no way we can ever have a healthy strong relationship unless he lives his reality and the concequences. They say that you don’t know what you had until it’s gone. Let’s hope this is just his wake up call( or else his complete spiral into a forever broken man)

I’ve been quite numb the last few days. Moreso trying to plan my life moving forward. I know my heart will break the day he leaves for good so I’ll just work on strengthening it for the next few months in preparation

[Rockon]

W has said to me she might just move away. She has gone on several overseas trips since BD, at first “under the radar,” only telling 3 people, not telling eldest D at all and not telling S til the night before, about the first trip. The most recent trip she posted on social media. She has been back from that trip and has said she is very unhappy, all her friendships have blown up and her kids don’t want to be with her. She hates her job. She even told me, “I don’t know what to do, it must be me.” I left that one with her.

As far as “limbo,” I have been digging into this a bit and I am determined to find my path of where I need to be and what I need to do to resolve my issues and move forward healthy and strong. Things I see you doing so well.

Be strong, focus where you need to.

[Pattnee5]

Rock, limbo isn’t fun. Limbo is them having full control of the situation. We can put as many boundaries as we want but they still call the shots and manipulate the limbo situation to suit themselves and find their place that works. Or at least for me it was like that. H has his house his family and me just sitting there while he clicked along with life, coming and going when he wants, getting his fix of me and kids then leaving to have his space, drink, work. Then stress creeps in with work, drink increases, targets me or more recently the kids, with angry outbursts.
I just realised this reality is not what I want and not working for me.
So now he has his hissy fit, stamps his foot and declares he’s moving to the other side of the world because “he doesn’t feel comfortable around here anymore as he has no friends or family”
The mushed MLC brain really is a broken illogical mess.
I haven’t let this affect me too much. I initially felt a tad guilty that I instigated this or fuelled it along ( only for the sake of the kids )but he is responsible for his actions not me and he is the one destroying his relationship with them, with everyone, not me.
He will forever have to live with his guilt of abandoning his family. Not me. And he knows very well how hard I fought to save us, my kids can see how hard I fought ( they aren’t silly).
My emotions and my heart feel ok. I feel pretty grounded. I have so many angry words and a tirade of abuse I want to throw at him regarding what he is doing, what he has said about me, the way he twists history and words the way he tells his friend to seek mental health help becsuee hes depressed yet he won’t follow his own advice. But I know it would do nothing.it would fall on deafs ears, so I have just been journaling it instead. I really hate mid life crisis. The good thing to come out of it is many of my friends who have ridden this roller coaster with me are so aware of it now and are being very proactive with their partners in talking and keeping conversations going.

Unfortunately it’s too late for my STBXH. It really does suck. The man I knew never would have done this and would have been mortified to leave his kids. When he now says words like “ I hate my life I hate who I have become” yet his pea-sized brain decides the only solution is to run. The stubbornness astounds me. Not a single counselling session.

Anyway I am good I can’t believe how strong I am with this, I can’t believe how much resilience I have with this. I am going to raise these kids surrounded by so much love and stability. I am going to give them amazing life experiences. I don’t know if I could ever learn to let a man into my heart again, it’s pretty shocking when you think you had a good one and this happens. I think it’s very badly damaged me, but regardless it’s the furthest thing from my mind. I am only almost 42. So much has happened in the last 12 months who knows what the next few years hold.

[Rockon]

Limbo really isn’t fun - and transforming myself and deciding on course in the context of limbo (in other words, exercising my agency and taking back control over me) is my task. I greatly respect your process and strong decisive action for what’s best for you.

I am presently engaged in considering my next steps. To own my power over me. Prioritize looking after myself and our family. Protect our family and assets. Keep the house. Get back to work.

You can be proud of your strength and resilience.

“Unfortunately it’s too late for my STBXH. It really does suck. The man I knew never would have done this and would have been mortified to leave his kids. When he now says words like “ I hate my life I hate who I have become” yet his pea-sized brain decides the only solution is to run. The stubbornness astounds me.” This is also what my W has done. And I accept that. Yes I have grief - a lot and Im in process with that. But I must move forward and there is a lot at stake for me to make sure that I do.

[Pattnee5]

I am not sure if this happens to anyone else but everyone tells me I should unlesh angry words at H and defend myself. My own mother keeps asking me if I’m scared of him(which I am not at all)
H will say all this stuff to “blame” me and skew history and the past, and I just don’t speak up or defend myself or correct him. Maybe it’s indirectly DB maybe it’s me just thinking “what’s the use he’s not listening”. But then in private on my own I have so many angry words and stuff to say to him which I just journal in my phones notes instead. Correcting him on so many of his words etc. I still feel disappointed in him as a person that he has chosen to run, this man is so weak that he looks at this whole situation as “too much hard work so let me just leave and go and start a whole new life”. In one aspect I just want to unleash everything at him before he goes, or send him with a letter with all my pent up anger and words, but again what’s the use. The reality is he is abandoning everyone not me. I don’t know why I just don’t get angry or go off at him face to face and I don’t know why I am so calm and just let him say stuff and don’t defend myself

[Rockon]

Anger has purpose and is a signal for us to pay attention to, I am learning. Unleashing it might or might not serve you. Expressing it, acknowledging it, feeling it. Paying attention journaling writing a letter and waiting to decide what to do with it. Using your phone notes app. All sounds like healthy approach. Maybe therapy can help too. Can’t remember if you and your family are accessing therapy.

And I also am considering potential benefits of a 180 by safely flying off the handle and expressing my anger. “I’m so angry about this I could …. because …” say and show it rather than do it.

In other words, I need to remain in control and not do something (like violence) that I will regret.