I am sorry your D’s situation came to police action. Sounds like she is taking control in getting a lawyer and going for full custody of granddaughter.
Originally Posted by Rockon
This situation has brought W and I together to rally to D’s cause and family needs. D has mostly been talking to me but she did reach out to W last night.
Focus on supporting D. This does not require you and W. Just rally yourself for your daughter. As you said, D has been mostly talking to you, not W.
Was the rallying of you and W together by your initiation or W’s?
Originally Posted by Rockon
While W and I were talking about D, W told me that this has been a really hard year for W. She said, “It’s been a hard 10 years, but it’s been a really hard year.” I listened. She went on to say that what has happened between her and eldest S (disconnection and him disapproving of her) has been so incredibly hard. I STFU and validated her emotional state.
Let W lay in the bed she made.
So, the last year has been really hard for her. Harder than the previous “hard” decade. Ok. Now, get yourself out of W’s way. Let her feel the loss and the repercussions of her decisions. You were fired from being her emotional support person.
By the way, W’s “It’s been a hard 10 years, but…”: She still has to get in a dig, blame you, and justify her decision. And she’s using what comes after “but” to justify her decision. Remove yourself from that equation. You cannot control how she writes her equation out, all you can do is ensure you and your interactions are limited. Very limited. Eventually, she will realize that hmmm maybe Rock ain’t the problem.
Also: “While W and I were talking about D, W told me that this has been a really hard year for [her]”. A good response from you would’ve been to return the conversation to your daughter and her situation and what support you are going to do. (Again, I’d have not likely brought W into this. D is an adult, she can let her Mom know.) Something like, “W, I’m sorry your year has been difficult. We are discussing daughter’s situation. Let’s get back on track.”
Originally Posted by Rockon
I need to put some thought into how to approach this in a logical wise way and myself not be manipulative. I want to remained focused on my path and to be fair and responsible.
A good approach is to heed your lawyer’s advice. If/when you need to seek protection/security treat this as a business deal gone bad.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
L directed me to read book Never Split the Difference and suggest I take this approach to getting best deal for myself and S’s needs. Having said that, he also said that I need to be the one giving any lawyer I choose clear direction about what I need and want and what my values are. He said that the complexities of my personal situation and that of my S would not be adequately served in the court and bleak present financial reality means that it’s in my best interest to be remain amicable, cooperative and firm.
L directed me to read book Never Split the Difference and suggest I take this approach to getting best deal for myself and S’s needs.
The best deal for you is to keep the house, get child support and alimony.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Having said that, he also said that I need to be the one giving any lawyer I choose clear direction about what I need and want and what my values are.
You want the house, alimony and child support. Your values have nothing to do with it.
Originally Posted by Rockon
He said that the complexities of my personal situation and that of my S would not be adequately served in the court and bleak present financial reality means that it’s in my best interest to be remain amicable, cooperative and firm.
I have a feeling you will use this excuse to cave on the house, child support and alimony because of making your STBXW angry.
Ok I clarified some of these details of what is fair what I am entitled to with L just now:
At date of separation, our individual net worths determine what gets transferred from one party to the other. In my case, with me being caregiver and having S live here, I would be entitled to child support (retroactive and prospective).
We are each responsible for 50 % of mortgage, insurance and utilities of the matrimonial home.
My priority at this time is to keep the house. If down the road, I buy her out or we sell the house then all of those figures can be resolved.
I was reading 2-3 books a week when my sitch went down. How quickly can you read "Never split the difference"? Would you mind posting the key concepts that you take away from it?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok I’m enjoying this book, Never Split the Difference - Chris Voss
One of the concepts is to trigger a negative response. Get to the other person’s “No.” instead of a false yes, it makes your counterpart feel in control.
To do this you ask questions designed to prompt quick negative responses.
So I have been assessing my situation and finances and have been considering writing W a letter explaining my priority to keep the house and look after our family’s needs and solicit W’s cooperation on a solution based approach.
I have budgeted the expenses for mortgage, taxes and insurance as well as utilities for the home. I propose that we split those costs 50:50 and that we would each be responsible for our own respective living expenses (food, gas etc). I will continue my return to work process and contribute from my savings and then as my financial situation improves, I will adjust accordingly. I also think that I should ask W directly for child support as well.
