Second roller coaster ride (2)

[Card29]

As horrible a feeling as it was for W to move out, I think you should be very proud of how you managed to turn your day and mood around. That is a wonderful step. Glad to hear the mood and appetite is improving ( I think the WAS diet is the best, I’ve fit into pants I haven’t for many years 😂 and I joke that it’s my “my husband left me”diet.)Jokes aside and in all honesty, keep moving forward, keep up with the gym, start fuelling your body properly for it, bed early and overhaul your wardrobe. Its amazing how many things we stop doing when we are in a long term relationship and we begin to coexist and become entwined with the spouse

I'm going to copy something that Kind18 recently said on Iolieta's thread:

The one benefit you have is that there has been a pretty clean break here. That means he’s likely to feel the weight and consequences of his decisions more heavily and sooner. It’s actually an advantage towards reconciliation if you aren’t around or interacting or communicating with this person.

Recently there’s been a few posters come through here that have talked BIG on their DB actions, but when push has come to shove, they’ve been weak as s***. They’re constantly fixing their ex’s problems, spending time, going to parties, checking in on them, comforting them, talking to their in laws … that’s a disaster and solidifies the divorce.

Absolute minimum contact and full physical separation maximises chances of them having a lightbulb realisation.

If you’re emailing every other day, how will they ever miss you?

I've of course been sad to see her go, and I was dreading this moving out process. It's still not pleasant to watch. But after spending Saturday with my ex-BIL (who is going through a painful D of his own), I realized how this is a blessing. BIL's BD was the beginning of June, and they are still living together. They'll both be moving to new places in the next month or so. But he said as much as he tried to fix everything for a couple of months, and still wants to save his M, he's sick of living with her like this. Every day is hell to come home, wonder where she's going, wonder who she's texting, etc. He is finally getting out of the house and getting around other people, other activities, and he's starting to feel better.

WAS leaving immediately is a blessing in disguise

[Pattnee5]

It’s very true Card, I didn’t really start to turn the focus on myself and heal until he had left the house. Only then can you start to get comfortable in your own presence. The silence and empty nights are no longer filled with worry and sadness but lots of self care and fun activities, company.
You learn so much about yourself

[Card29]

I just had a phone call with W's aunt. I knew she'd contact me as soon as she found out. FIL finally had to tell somebody, so he told his sister, his closest sibling. W doesn't know that her aunt knows. It was a similar conversation to the one I had with SIL. She probably had the best perspective of anyone outside of our marriage. She's known something was seriously wrong with W for a while. I filled her in on some of the details, because, again, I see her as one of the best voices in W's life. She knows W is going through a lot and agrees that her fixing her own stuff is the most critical part of this entire situation.

Before the call, she suggested and I agreed that it remain just between us, not telling FIL or W. And we made no plans for more phone calls. She said I'd always be part of their lives, that they all love D11 like a niece. We agreed that this is not the end of our relationships, but it will be best to give the situation space for however long W needs her space. So no plans for more phone calls, etc.

Similar to the other calls, it felt good to confirm that I'm loved by them, but I also know I can't use them as a pillar of support. I have friends and family for that, plus this forum, counseling and the grief recovery class.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Card,

Can you list out all the changes in your behavior that you have implemented, and then list out the ones you still want to add to your new way of living?

[Card29]

Changes I've made
- Zero contact with W except for "business" activities. No pursuing, no R talk.
- Regular workouts (lifting 3 days a week)
- Wardrobe updates
- Two new pairs of glasses, one of which has received multiple compliments, including from unknown women
- New scent
- Reigniting friendships
- Grief recovery support class
- GAL: Going to games with friends, planetarium, hiking, Thursday night agreement with good friend to meet up after my grief class
- Firing up house projects
- Re-visiting "no more mr nice guy". I do think I grew in that area before and during my current R with W (after D#1). Need to grow more outside of that R, especially at work.
- No alcohol for the time being, until I've at least emotionally recovered. No set timeline, but as a reference, at least another 2-3 months.


Changes I want to make
- As I recover emotionally and I'm less of a disaster, put more focus back into my children when I have them
- Set boundaries with my mom, and eventually move off of our street (no timeline right now - lots of house work and $$$ needed to do so)
- Add cardio workouts on days I don't lift (would like to workout 6 days a week)
- Improve diet (cut out sugar most days of the week, more protein/veggies than carbs). Replace dessert with protein shake
- Continue updating wardrobe
- Make the house "mine". Replacing some things she took. Framing and hanging concert posters I've had in my closet. Rearranging some furniture.
- Update beard style. Color? new trim style?
- Keep lifting and start growing.
- Continue healthy grieving process
- No or severely limited contact with in-laws for the remainder of DB process
- No more binge drinking
- Get a vasectomy

[Card29]

Also on the need to do list: Read Art of Seduction. I bought it and read 1 chapter. Need to make it nightly.

[Kind18]

Great list. Another newcomer who is doing a great job and has committed to real, tangible self-improvement goals.

This forum is for self improvement and mental health support, not for those seeking validation as victims. Good on you Card 💪

The exercise and eating changes are going to really change your mindset and improve your mental health. Be aware you won’t see or feel any changes for the first thirty days, so don’t give up 2 or 3 weeks in!

Be wary of conversations with family. They are not the ones to be validating your wife’s craziness, because blood is always thicker than water. 90% of the time, when they realise they can’t bully your wife into going back to her marriage, they’ll flip the script and join her team - that can leave you feeling deflated and alone. I’d have not talked. Just a polite message reply would have been better IMHO.

[Pattnee5]

I completely agree with Kind on this one about talking to W family. I have really kept H family at a distance. Not that it was ever a close relationship. Only small talk with his sister when she came to the door to drop something off. His mother used to message a bit early on after my operation etc, and I used to always send her videos and updates on the kids but now don’t. H dad send me w quite blunt and rude message a few months back and since then I haven’t bothered.
They will always choose their family

[Card29]

Hi Pattnee, I do agree they will always choose their family in the end, and I've set that expectation for myself. I even talked to them about it. I just had some very close relationships with FIL, SIL and the aunt that contacted me yesterday. So they were almost like "goodbye for now" conversations and I don't plan on having more. They all already realize they have no control over the situation (it took FIL a couple of weeks). And, again, I think SIL and the aunt are the best voices of reason that will be in her life in the next year or two. I thought it was best they knew some truths about the last year that they didn't see on weekend visits or social media.

It's especially hard because they adopted D11 as part of their family. They treated her like every other niece and nephew. I felt so blessed to have them. But unfortunately, a D has a lot more losses involved with it besides the H/W relationship.

[Card29]

Grief Recovery Class update

The grief recovery class is on Thursdays, but I can't attend tomorrow. Instead, I'm meeting with the instructor 1-on-1 later today. This week's reading assignment finished the myths/misunderstandings section on grief and began the recovery section. The first recovery chapter talked about "more, different, better". From your loss, what do you wish you had more of, what do you wish had been different, what do you wish could have been better? If it was a death of a parent, maybe you want one more Christmas, or maybe there was some unresolved issues that you wish you could have fixed.

For me, there is a lot in this section and I think I've only scratched the surface. I wish I had a lifetime of the feelings I had the first 6 years with W. We were so excited to see each other every day. The last year was a really terrible feeling watching her pull away. I wish we could have started counseling long before the issues started to arise. I wish she could have stayed and been happy until after S1 is out of daycare and our financial situation greatly improves. We had always talked about traveling the world together and that was doable in our future. I also wish she had remained the incredible step mom to D11 that she was up until last August. For years I could not believe how lucky I was to find someone that just stepped in and loved my daughter like that. That was one of my biggest fears after D#1.

That is just a short list of some of the unresolved issues I have with our M that I will need to work through.