Well for the first time in months I am wide awake at 3am and my head is buzzing. The days events I think caught up with my mind. I’m not crying, my emotions are okay, I don’t even feel In shock or anything I just feel really calm and indifferent. But I feel a bit guilty for not being sad or crying or anything. Isn’t that bad.It’s like I am almost ok with this all and the fact he is moving to the other side of the world.
I feel a sadness for H though. Feel sorry for him. The look on his face, so tormented in so my pain he can’t express rather bottled up.it’s so hard to see the person you once knew so consumed, but I also feel guilty for not “caring” anymore about trying to help him through his storm. You can see they need help, know that with the right support you can help them through it, but no longer care or try enough to suggest it or help him anymore. It’s funny for months now I just kept telling myself “ he fired me as a W, not my problem” and it really worked drumming that into me.

It’s funny to think I feel guilty for no longer crying hours over him and no longer feeling bad. I feel as I get stronger through all of this and every interaction now, he spirals deeper and gets worse. It’s like role reversal. I feel bad for him ( is this just our silly female nurturing side?) bad for how he is feeling within and you can see it written all over his face, yet here I am getting better and stronger, smiling, making memories, feeling good within myself and feeling good about my life direction right now of becoming a better woman., and he is sinking and wallowing. I feel bad for choosing ME now and only having STBXH as a passing thought.

But moreso right now my mind is buzzing with how I am going to be a mum and a dad 24/7. I am dreading when H tells the kids, S12 is really going to be affected. I hate seeing my kids cry. I know the kids are teenagers but boy they are a full time job in its end with all their running around. I have to get creative with “me” time.
These MLC spouses really do light their fires and run.

Last edited by Pattnee5; 09/11/23 06:28 PM.
M:41 H:48
T:20. M:16.5
BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023