H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[Valeska19]

I’m am going to answer your questions. I really had to think about them and what you’ve written. I never thought I was manipulative but I’ve been thinking things over a lot and I realise a lot of my communication has been nagging (even thought I talk lowly, it’s still nagging), reacting and probably thinking I’m setting boundaries but actually doing so to punish. Without meaning to. I just haven’t really got the hang of looking after myself and putting my needs first and being nice about it. Like you all say here—that seems counter-intuitive. Oh this is making me squirm but I’m set on cleaning up my side.

For someone who has never set them - setting boundaries is going to feel like punishment. And it will mostly likely come with guilt. Some of that guilt will because of your H's reaction. He seems like a man child and I suspect will only up his manipulation. The more he tries... the more calm you become. Become the zen queen.

I don’t turn off my phone as it’s my main source of communication between my elderly parents and me. I have not had the guts to block texts actually because of the reaction I think I MAY get. I’m being really honest here and it’s uncomfortable to recognise this, and I suppose it’s been such a habit to put his needs first—growing up in a Patriarchal family situation. I tend to lose myself in worshipping a man when I’ve fallen. Mimicking a trait that I see in my mother. It doesn’t get her anywhere neither.

I applaud your honesty. That's hard work to look at why you behave the way you do. Even if it doesn't serve you now - there is a comfort-ability in your current situation. It's all you know - even if you hate it.

So what's the happy medium here. Both of my folks have had health issues in the past year. I have a setting on my phone that allows their calls to go through whilst blocking others whilst I sleep. Also - if you block H's number temporarily whilst he is raging... you will NEVER see what he texts or calls about in that rage. That would be a very good way to take care of your mental health when he throws a tantrum.

Oh boy, I’m trying though. I must admit I’m slightly enjoying the shift in dynamic as I’m setting my new boundaries, even though they are supposed to be for me. I feel 1/1000th of what I used to be like in the beginning of our courtship when I had some sass.

Good. Thats the point of boundaries. To know where YOU stop and your H begins.

I needed to talk to H about financial matters and I was desperate to call him because it was pressing; but I didn’t. It was a concern of H’s; not mine and I decided to let him call me (I worked out that I need not be more concerned about his life than he is) and then I would bring up what I had to say. H eventually tried to bait me into an argument and I kept my cool. He then asked me 3 times if I wanted a divorce and I said no. He asked me if I was having an affair. He asked me if I had met someone. I reassured him—I told him no to all and that I was committed to our marriage. H told me he can’t work me out and I told him that I’m just needing and wanting some time to myself and rest after a huge couple of weeks. I told him I had to get off the phone. H got angry because I wanted to go. I stood firm and insisted that I had to go and I got off the phone regardless of how he felt. H then sent me texts telling me how much he loves me and how he can’t imagine being with anyone else etc. He told me he misses me etc..

I'm happy you were able to stand your ground a little bit. It's very difficult when he pushes and acts like a baby. A couple of notes:

1. No more reaassuring him. He has fired you as his W so he needs to learn to regulate his emotions. Also it would be a good 180 for you.

2. Get off his rollercoaster. Find a way to end the conversation. If the call was about finances - keep the topic there. For example:

H. I miss you.
KB. I understand. Let's continue to discuss financial situation.
H. But you are being a jerk!
KB. I understand you are frustrated. We still need to work out financial situation.
H. But I don't want to... I want to deflect with blame or love bombing.
KB. When you are ready to talk about financial situation - let me know. (Hangs up phone).

Do not engage until he agrees.

Okay, so now where to go from here? How do I keep the DBing and all that it entails and keep my communication going with H and keep the momentum going, even though he is STILL cake eating?

IMO - you need to keep your boundaries firm and even increase them. If it's not emergency - stop engaging with him. He's on a ride to figure all his Sh!t out and you don't need to buy the ticket.

Plus from what you are telling me - it's gonna be challenging to chose yourself when you were raised differently....

... so practice, practice, practice on choosing YOU.