H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

An update on what happened yesterday. So… I’ve been trying to set boundaries (lessening my contact to have a good rest, not answering texts nor picking up the phone too quickly). In fact, I stuck to my plan by not contacting H at all yesterday.

And then, I get a knock at the door, I look down and there is a baby bid wrapped in a T-shirt and as I walk down through my garden I see H walking off to his car which was parked at the entrance of my driveway. I yelled out to him to say hi and he explained why he was there. It was a manipulation on his part to check up on me and to make me feel guilty for not wanting our regular time together. H just isn’t acting right at the moment. Normally, I would give in and just ask him to come inside and then I know he would stay and then we would be back to ‘normal’ which was his plan. I started to ask him to come back and then I realised I was falling for an old pattern, so I let him go. I didn’t cause any of what he was doing. I didn’t chase after him, I didn’t text nor call. I let him go. Later, I eventually replied to his text and said goodnight without bringing up any of his odd behaviour, realising he already feels crappy about himself, why make it worse. Hooray, I think I learned something!

Today…

I needed to talk to H about financial matters and I was desperate to call him because it was pressing; but I didn’t. It was a concern of H’s; not mine and I decided to let him call me (I worked out that I need not be more concerned about his life than he is) and then I would bring up what I had to say. H eventually tried to bait me into an argument and I kept my cool. He then asked me 3 times if I wanted a divorce and I said no. He asked me if I was having an affair. He asked me if I had met someone. I reassured him—I told him no to all and that I was committed to our marriage. H told me he can’t work me out and I told him that I’m just needing and wanting some time to myself and rest after a huge couple of weeks. I told him I had to get off the phone. H got angry because I wanted to go. I stood firm and insisted that I had to go and I got off the phone regardless of how he felt. H then sent me texts telling me how much he loves me and how he can’t imagine being with anyone else etc. He told me he misses me etc.

My cautious take on all of this is the dynamic is shifting, I’m starting to refocus back onto me and H is noticing. I just got off the phone tonight with H (he called and I said I would call him back later which I did) and I noticed he has lost his XW’s accent. Truly amazing! Yay!

Okay, so now where to go from here? How do I keep the DBing and all that it entails and keep my communication going with H and keep the momentum going, even though he is STILL cake eating?

Kanga