So H came over this morning, initially to take S to school and then to have that conversation. I just made sure I was in a calm and good place beforehand although there was alot of emotions I think I handled them ok.
STBXH ( I guess I should use that now) sat with me and we discussed some stuff. Occasionally we went a bit in circles but I stayed calm and didn’t let my emotions come in, although I did cry at a point and I couldn’t help it. H told me after our conversation before my trip( whereby I just said it’s time to sit and legalise our separation and I thought we should sell house split assets and progress our seperate ways) he told me he has now decided to take that job overseas ( the one he had mentioned about 3 months ago) Apparently that night after our talk ( where he was all over the place with reactions) he decided he wanted to do it and do it for him( enter the running away mode)
He said he “just needed to do this, I hate who I have become I have felt like this for a year or two I hate how angry I am and hate that I always do everything for everyone else now I want to do something for me”. He also proceeded to say “ I haven’t done anything with moving forward with the split because I was hoping I would feel better and feel the love for you again but all I feel is anger and resent you and look at you naked and resent you, I still think about your affair 9 years ago even though I know I am to blame and my actions too etc etc” ( yep brutal words but just let it slide I didn’t react) kept mentioning his demons of some sort
I just said I wasn’t going to stand in his way and make him stay in a relationship he didn’t want to be in. He’s very concerned about how the kids will cope. No dad around and all. I had a teary at the end he pretty much agreed to all the financials etc. he wants me present when he tells the kids. I’m not too sure what I can say other than hug them when he breaks their hearts.
As hard as that whole interaction was, I kept thinking in my head that I deserve better than what STBXH is giving right now. He isn’t great and needs to live his MLC reality. I would have clung to him like crazy in the past, begged, cried etc I felt I was practically helping him pack his bag. He needs to hit rock bottom He needs to see what it feels like to lose someone who loves him He needs to live his reality in order to have a fighting chance at sorting himself out and at our relationship having any sort of chance
I am good btw. After that whole morning I did cry a bit on my own but moreso because it felt like the end of an era, the end of 20 years. That relationship is done. If I want STBXH back in my life I want a new relationship with him and I get that now. He has to live with these concequences me and the kids will be fine, great even. My relationship will be strong with them. I don’t know how I will learn to be a mum and dad at the same time but honestly i keep shocking myself every step of the way. I don’t know where this inner strength and peace has come from.
I kept myself grounded the rest of the day, a long walk with the dog, cooking dinner with D14. I heard some more “hurtful” words today but for some reason they don’t hurt anymore. MLC [censored] but I am not letting any man dim my light
I am by no means a DB success story ( not yet anyway) but DB has taught me so much about putting myself back together one piece at a time 🥰
Stay tuned I am sure there’s more excitement to come. But boy oh boy am I glad I am now in a far better place where things just don’t bother me anymore
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
