Thanks for the support. I was able to turn the day around. Hung out with my happy neighbors on their deck for a while, watching football with them. Took the dog for a long walk on a nature trail. Then helped a friend move some furniture. Mood is better.
Also, W seemed on the verge of a breakdown as she’s scrambling to get herself moved in. I don’t wish ill will on her, but I do expect her stress problems to continue. It honestly felt good to feel calm while was freaking out. I’m at least somewhat detached because I felt zero urge to do anything to help her, aside from doing a couple things for S1.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thanks for the support. I was able to turn the day around.
Okay, so let’s do some basic steps here.
You need to lock this in the memory bank.
1. You had a triggering event with ex wife 2. You initially had some trouble and allowed your emotions to control your behaviour 3. You sought out external support (through the forum) 4. You picked yourself up, and turned your day into a positive one.
Pretty logical sequence, right?
So what you do now, is you keep reaffirming to yourself mentally that: - difficult situation with wife is only short lived and you’ll likely feel better quickly - your happiness is therefore not tied to ex wife behaviour or interactions.
Say wife calls you tomorrow, has a massive meltdown over the phone because you’re an a**hole and she’s having trouble moving and why weren’t you a better husband, look what you’ve done to me!!
You remember what happened above, and so while she’s spewing her anger, you think to yourself “oh here we go again, one of these temporary uncomfortable situations. I remember last time when it actually wasn’t so bad and I ended up having a great day.”
Then you say to her “Wow, sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Must be overwhelming.”
Then you say “I’ve got something on shortly, I’d better run. Cya!”
You’ve validated how she feels, but you haven’t ruined your day or mood or engaged in her pity party - nor tried to fix anything for her.
Remember what happened today… it will help you next time.
You remember what happened above, and so while she’s spewing her anger, you think to yourself “oh here we go again, one of these temporary uncomfortable situations. I remember last time when it actually wasn’t so bad and I ended up having a great day.”
Then you say to her “Wow, sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Must be overwhelming.”
Then you say “I’ve got something on shortly, I’d better run. Cya!”
You’ve validated how she feels, but you haven’t ruined your day or mood or engaged in her pity party - nor tried to fix anything for her.
Write this in your notes. Read your notes daily to help clarify all of your new behaviors.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It is pinned in my notes app. I knew that I did some healthy things, but wasn't thinking about studying them so that I just know what to do next time.
My appetite continues to creep back. I've finally had a full breakfast.
Also, my new glasses have received several compliments, including strangers. Just bought some new white leather sneakers that I've wanted for 2-3 years.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It is pinned in my notes app. I knew that I did some healthy things, but wasn't thinking about studying them so that I just know what to do next time.
My appetite continues to creep back. I've finally had a full breakfast.
Also, my new glasses have received several compliments, including strangers. Just bought some new white leather sneakers that I've wanted for 2-3 years.
All of these small 'self care' things will build on top of each other. Now is the time to take especially good care of yourself. Even when you don't feel like it - force yourself to workout, GAL, buy that new outfit. The more consistent you are - the sooner the weight will come off your shoulders.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As horrible a feeling as it was for W to move out, I think you should be very proud of how you managed to turn your day and mood around. That is a wonderful step. Glad to hear the mood and appetite is improving ( I think the WAS diet is the best, I’ve fit into pants I haven’t for many years 😂 and I joke that it’s my “my husband left me”diet.)Jokes aside and in all honesty, keep moving forward, keep up with the gym, start fuelling your body properly for it, bed early and overhaul your wardrobe. Its amazing how many things we stop doing when we are in a long term relationship and we begin to coexist and become entwined with the spouse
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
It is pinned in my notes app. I knew that I did some healthy things, but wasn't thinking about studying them so that I just know what to do next time.
My appetite continues to creep back. I've finally had a full breakfast.
Also, my new glasses have received several compliments, including strangers. Just bought some new white leather sneakers that I've wanted for 2-3 years.
All of these small 'self care' things will build on top of each other. Now is the time to take especially good care of yourself. Even when you don't feel like it - force yourself to workout, GAL, buy that new outfit. The more consistent you are - the sooner the weight will come off your shoulders.
I am doing these things and I can attest that they work. Maybe not 100% of the time, but most of the time. I'm 3 weeks since BD, and my mental state now is where I was in month 3 or 4 during my first D.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
