It is extra difficult when our spouse just all of the sudden checks out. No warning, just gone. Mine made an announcement at Thanksgiving supper and then left. Left her kids, the dogs, the house, the yard, everything, and moved in with OM.
What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. And looking for some reason, some rational, some answers, is perfectly normal as well. We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go and detach.
Bomb drop is just that. The dropping of that bomb that blows up the marriage/relationship. In these cases of just out of the blue, the lead up is very much hidden. You’ve looked back and have a few ideas of the triggers/pressures H experienced. Most likely things have been ramping up for him over the past 12-18 months. More and more, stress, and internal pressure. Then something unhinges inside him.
These folks need to do something. They are driven to do something. Anything to try to feel better. Your H moved out. Others turn to more rebellious behaviours, illicit behaviours, even illegal behaviours, in desperate attempts to feel. To feel something.
Desperate people, do desperate things.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Around midlife, around 50, people transition to the next stage of life. There are many stages in life, childhood, teenager, adolescent, young adult, adult, golden years, etc. Depending upon the source there are a variety of different naming and classifications too - dreamer, explorer, mentor, giver, and so on. Point is life has stages. And people move from stage to stage. And sometimes that transition is not smooth.
The transition to midlife is especially difficult. Most everyone experiences life’s regrets and successes, their accolades and accomplishments both bolster and crush them. Yes, crush them as much does their missed opportunities. The realization and acceptance of life’s passing. The inevitably of it all needs to be reconciled.
Most folks traverse this time with some internal shifting and live in a weird funk for a while, getting themselves settled into their new life’s skin. Just like all the other transit of life’s stages thus far. For some folks that transition is much more difficult. They may need to seek external help and guidance, yet do find their way like the majority. And for some that midlife transition goes off the rails and reaches crisis proportions. Hence, midlife crisis.
Note, for one in crisis they do not understand. And unlike a difficult transition, they will not seek help or guidance or counselling. In fact, they will fight against such help, for in their mind, nothing is wrong with them. Any pushing towards help is usually met with a severe reaction.
A midlife crisis is not at all like the glamorized humorous Hollywood version. One who suffers a midlife crisis is consumed by trauma(s) that usually occurred back in their childhood years. And usually was from an authority figure in their young and informative life. Such an event traumatizes the young child and emotionally stunts them, for they are young and just not equipped to deal with such treachery and treatment.
The child, having a perfectly normal immature coping mechanism - and usually no avenue to report such deeds against them - withdrawals and hides what happens. Their only defence is to bury that which they cannot reason nor explain. And that which is buried alive, will a later haunt.
As their life progresses, that trauma mostly remains hidden away. There may be a time of resurgence around quarter life. Some do successfully deal with their pain and torment at that time, while others ignore it, or it simply never emerged. For the later group, this torment sinks back within and remains silent for the next couple of decades.
These folks lead normal lives. If one was particularly attuned to MLC you might see some minor signs. Yet just as often you’d not. And in our case, us LBS have no idea of crisis or any of this. People just aren’t exposed to this. And until you actually see a midlife crisis, it all sounds quite unbelievable.
Enter midlife. That transition. That reconciling of the inevitably of life’s journey. For one who is carrying such a horrible hidden burden, it cannot and will not remain silent any longer. Usually around 12-18 months prior to bomb drop, the person starts entering their crisis. This is a convert time. The suffering person real has no idea what is going on. Feelings and half thoughts are dredged up from their horrible and long forgotten past. In actuality, more denied than forgotten. Denial being the mind’s primary defence mechanism - a health mechanism by the way - in which it denies or ignores that which it does not have the bandwidth for, or cannot handle at the moment.
At this time of transition, a MLCer’s mind dredges up their past trauma(s). Life regrets and accolades spilling and mixing and twisting together with strange feelings and unremembered events. It’s horrible! It’s consuming! The MLCers has entered a crisis.
Present life, some major event, a wedding, the birth of a child, a death, or a car accident, or meteoric rise and promotion, triggers the crisis; it is not the cause of the crisis. The cause happened long ago. Long before the LBS even knew them.
The MLCer will not know what’s going on within. They will not know of their hidden past trauma(s). All they have is ceaseless torment and pain. Slowly it eats away at them. Slowly it builds, until kaboom.
The MLCer cannot be wrong. Their fragile mind and stunted emotional self cannot handle such. Therefore they look around, and see us, their LBS. And they project on to us. They incorrectly blaming their loving spouse for their feelings and confusion. Remember they cannot accept the blame so it must be their spouse.
And they run. They are looking for a way to feel better. Looking for a redo. A chance to do all they feel they missed out on their first go around. MLCers exhibit lots of confusion and teenager behaviours. Brash, bold, and rebellious. A teenager with a large bank account.
Those running behaviours, drinking, drugs, fast cars, fast women, spending, etc. And sadly affairs are staggeringly commonplace. The other person is especially a band-aid. The AP along with all the other running are mere symptom of a deeper crisis.
Be this, H’s lot. Time will tell. I hope and pray he is not on a crisis path.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Regardless of H’s why or reason, right now he has moved out. Give him time and space. He obviously feels he needs it. With some good fortune H may figure himself out quickly.
You focus on you.
Also keep track and note of your bank accounts and financial stuff. I’ve seen many folks suddenly find out their life savings were drained away by their spouse’s wild spending. Keep tabs on things and be prepared if thing take an unwanted financial turn.
And in being prepared, speak to a lawyer about things. You are just gathering information is all. You won’t act upon it right now. However, if a time comes, you will have some knowledge about your rights and what you can legally do with monies and assets. You do need to protect yourself and your financial future in this.
Even right now. Do you two own your house? Rent? Mortgage? Is H renting? Is he still providing towards the house? Is he still paying bills at the house? Is he solely paying for his new place? Do you have your own funds or is everything joint?
You are on two paths. One is the emotional and healing path. The one of self growth and betterment. The becoming the very best version of yourself. A woman only a fool would leave. Honestly, this path is the one that you will walk the most.
The second path is the business side of this situation. Yes, marriage is like business partnership. And if/when things go awry treat it as such. You keep emotions out of needed financial decisions. Another good reason to have and heed your own legal counsel.
You asked if these DB techniques work. And yes they do.
No one can guarantee your marriage will be saved. However, I can guarantee, DB and you will be. And in your betterment, in following these principles, you will have the best chance at reconciling and saving your marriage.
The future is unknown and unwritten. Focus on you and your present.
You’ve got the gift of time, use it well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
