New on here, struggling!

[Iolieta]

Thanks, it just all feels very lonely. I have lots of good friends but I'm scared I'll wear them out by bombarding them with my thoughts which are just circular because I've no idea what's going on in husband's head. I'm making an effort to spend time asking about their lives when we chat but I feel like only half my mind is taking that in and the rest is obsessed with my difficulties. They all keep saying that it's fine, ring them any time etc. but I worry I will run out of credit before I feel better.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Iolieta
Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I have been in your shoes and I know the feeling of those first few weeks or first few months even. My H ( almost 49) dropped his bomb a week before Christmas, tried to “make it work” but did nothing other than stay home and pretend everything was normal and intimate, then moved out 6 months ago and has been an absolute yo-yo of emotions and playing part time dad and husband.
It’s clear now my H is in the midst of a midlife crisis and it absolutely [censored] but it’s his crisis not mine. We have been together 20 years married for 17
I was a mess( you’re doing better than me) I broke every rule, begged, appeased his every want and need, bombarding texts and calls thinking about him constantly, crying etc.
It wasn’t until I found this forum and these people that I realised I wasn’t alone. I don’t think anyone understands unless they have walked our shoes.

The main advice I have right now is keep posting, keep seeking help on here. Don’t be scared to vent but take that advice on board. No matter how wrong it seems. I was desperate to know if everything would work out, if I would be a success, if that enormous ache and weight in my heart would go and if I would ever stop crying.
It wasn’t until I realised that I needed to detach and step right back and stop worrying about the outcome and focus on myself, did I really see that this was a great opportunity for me to do ME.
For so long I had been doing so much for H and making sure everything was done etc that I didn’t realise just how many things about my marriage I was just putting up with.
Use this time to find yourself again. We tend to lose ourselves so much when we are in a relationship. The last few months I have felt I have come through the storm and finally see blue skies, while H is still wallowing in his crisis mode(still won’t seek help but it’s not my problem)
My story is still being written. Everyone’s is. But I think the sooner you turn your focus back on yourself and start to work on your healing and finding yourself the sooner you will feel better. It took me a long time to understand that and do that. Keep reading keep posting. It’s time to rebuild yourself as a strong independent woman while your H just does his thing. And hopefully soon he will take notice, and realise that he is about to lose the best thing in his life

[Iolieta]

Thanks again. I'm not sure what to do for me to be honest! I don't feel like the marriage compromised either of us - we both have our own hobbies and carried on doing them. No kids means things are less complicated. We had a hobby together too - ballroom dancing, which we'd taken back up after the covid break and seemed to be enjoying. He's had a lot of things happen over the past year or so that haven't happened to me - his mum had a severe health scare, he was in a really nasty car accident that wasn't his fault but the person who drove out in front of him was in a coma for six weeks. He has also had a meteoric rise through the company he joined just over a year ago - from bottom of the heap to second in command of the company. He doesn't cope with stress very well but never got around to arranging counselling after the car accident even though he knew he needed it. I'm hoping that this running away is a symptom of that and that the counselling he's getting now will sort him back out, that's why I'm so keen to know that he's going back to counselling! I can't imagine that he's not but my imagination is all I have. We didn't argue before he decided to leave - something just seems to have gone pop in his mind and rather than talk to me he started looking for somewhere else to live. I only got to know because I asked a random question one night, just making conversation, and he couldn't lie about his answer. We've not had a chance to discuss any of it really. My friends have variously suggested that he's having a mid-life crisis, male menopause, depression, PTSD, feeling like I was too much in control (I do all the money stuff and have always earned more) and I wonder if it's a mix of all those things. Unfortunately I know that even if the counselling gets him to a better place he might still not want to come back - when I believe that we'll get a chance to work on the marriage I feel fine but when I think about how he might not be willing to do that it's like falling off a cliff.

[Pattnee5]

I feel your pain because I have been there. My H too took on a higher job promotion became a massive head of a whole region. Doesn’t cope with stress, worked his older role and newer role for months the stress drowned him but he would never speak up just used us as his punching bag.
Then, like you said, pop something clicks and that person you once knew is someone so different who goes out and does all this. My H too also looked at apartment, contemplated moving overseas for 6-12 months and still is( the man who was so once devoted to her kids).
I get what you mean about already being independent I was somewhat like that too I had my own friends and hobbies etc. you can still find you own way. You will be surprised how much you still lose parts of yourself when you are in a long term relationship. This is where you need to 180 but do it for you, not to get him back. At least he’s going to counselling, that’s a start. I don’t have anything magical to say that will make you feel better except that you will one day not feel as horrible as now. It was the worst pain I ever felt I can still remember it. It does get better. Keep working on you, do what you want, what you feel, what you love.

[Iolieta]

Thanks, I suppose I don't really know what I love. I have horses and sometimes they feel more like an addiction than a 'love' - I may not look forwards to riding but I usually feel better after I've done it. I've been quite jealous of my husband on many occasions - his sports used to give him a real high, he'd come home from a good bike ride looking like he'd been on some sort of drug. I don't seem to get that feeling from anything - the best I can hope for is quiet contentment.

[Iolieta]

I've been reading through quite a few threads in different parts of the forum. Many of them say that even when spouses are separated they are still in contact with each other, often even meeting in person. I don't have that right now - I send the occasional practical text (e.g. do you know where the garden loppers are) and get a response but that's it. I'm wondering about sending a newsy e-mail maybe once a week. Is this stupid? Should I just let well alone? Worried that he will think I've moved on and don't care that he has left when the opposite is true!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Iol

It is extra difficult when our spouse just all of the sudden checks out. No warning, just gone. Mine made an announcement at Thanksgiving supper and then left. Left her kids, the dogs, the house, the yard, everything, and moved in with OM.

What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. And looking for some reason, some rational, some answers, is perfectly normal as well. We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go and detach.

Bomb drop is just that. The dropping of that bomb that blows up the marriage/relationship. In these cases of just out of the blue, the lead up is very much hidden. You’ve looked back and have a few ideas of the triggers/pressures H experienced. Most likely things have been ramping up for him over the past 12-18 months. More and more, stress, and internal pressure. Then something unhinges inside him.

These folks need to do something. They are driven to do something. Anything to try to feel better. Your H moved out. Others turn to more rebellious behaviours, illicit behaviours, even illegal behaviours, in desperate attempts to feel. To feel something.

Desperate people, do desperate things.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Around midlife, around 50, people transition to the next stage of life. There are many stages in life, childhood, teenager, adolescent, young adult, adult, golden years, etc. Depending upon the source there are a variety of different naming and classifications too - dreamer, explorer, mentor, giver, and so on. Point is life has stages. And people move from stage to stage. And sometimes that transition is not smooth.

The transition to midlife is especially difficult. Most everyone experiences life’s regrets and successes, their accolades and accomplishments both bolster and crush them. Yes, crush them as much does their missed opportunities. The realization and acceptance of life’s passing. The inevitably of it all needs to be reconciled.

Most folks traverse this time with some internal shifting and live in a weird funk for a while, getting themselves settled into their new life’s skin. Just like all the other transit of life’s stages thus far. For some folks that transition is much more difficult. They may need to seek external help and guidance, yet do find their way like the majority. And for some that midlife transition goes off the rails and reaches crisis proportions. Hence, midlife crisis.

Note, for one in crisis they do not understand. And unlike a difficult transition, they will not seek help or guidance or counselling. In fact, they will fight against such help, for in their mind, nothing is wrong with them. Any pushing towards help is usually met with a severe reaction.

A midlife crisis is not at all like the glamorized humorous Hollywood version. One who suffers a midlife crisis is consumed by trauma(s) that usually occurred back in their childhood years. And usually was from an authority figure in their young and informative life. Such an event traumatizes the young child and emotionally stunts them, for they are young and just not equipped to deal with such treachery and treatment.

The child, having a perfectly normal immature coping mechanism - and usually no avenue to report such deeds against them - withdrawals and hides what happens. Their only defence is to bury that which they cannot reason nor explain. And that which is buried alive, will a later haunt.

As their life progresses, that trauma mostly remains hidden away. There may be a time of resurgence around quarter life. Some do successfully deal with their pain and torment at that time, while others ignore it, or it simply never emerged. For the later group, this torment sinks back within and remains silent for the next couple of decades.

These folks lead normal lives. If one was particularly attuned to MLC you might see some minor signs. Yet just as often you’d not. And in our case, us LBS have no idea of crisis or any of this. People just aren’t exposed to this. And until you actually see a midlife crisis, it all sounds quite unbelievable.

Enter midlife. That transition. That reconciling of the inevitably of life’s journey. For one who is carrying such a horrible hidden burden, it cannot and will not remain silent any longer. Usually around 12-18 months prior to bomb drop, the person starts entering their crisis. This is a convert time. The suffering person real has no idea what is going on. Feelings and half thoughts are dredged up from their horrible and long forgotten past. In actuality, more denied than forgotten. Denial being the mind’s primary defence mechanism - a health mechanism by the way - in which it denies or ignores that which it does not have the bandwidth for, or cannot handle at the moment.

At this time of transition, a MLCer’s mind dredges up their past trauma(s). Life regrets and accolades spilling and mixing and twisting together with strange feelings and unremembered events. It’s horrible! It’s consuming! The MLCers has entered a crisis.

Present life, some major event, a wedding, the birth of a child, a death, or a car accident, or meteoric rise and promotion, triggers the crisis; it is not the cause of the crisis. The cause happened long ago. Long before the LBS even knew them.

The MLCer will not know what’s going on within. They will not know of their hidden past trauma(s). All they have is ceaseless torment and pain. Slowly it eats away at them. Slowly it builds, until kaboom.

The MLCer cannot be wrong. Their fragile mind and stunted emotional self cannot handle such. Therefore they look around, and see us, their LBS. And they project on to us. They incorrectly blaming their loving spouse for their feelings and confusion. Remember they cannot accept the blame so it must be their spouse.

And they run. They are looking for a way to feel better. Looking for a redo. A chance to do all they feel they missed out on their first go around. MLCers exhibit lots of confusion and teenager behaviours. Brash, bold, and rebellious. A teenager with a large bank account.

Those running behaviours, drinking, drugs, fast cars, fast women, spending, etc. And sadly affairs are staggeringly commonplace. The other person is especially a band-aid. The AP along with all the other running are mere symptom of a deeper crisis.

Be this, H’s lot. Time will tell. I hope and pray he is not on a crisis path.

You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.

Regardless of H’s why or reason, right now he has moved out. Give him time and space. He obviously feels he needs it. With some good fortune H may figure himself out quickly.

You focus on you.

Also keep track and note of your bank accounts and financial stuff. I’ve seen many folks suddenly find out their life savings were drained away by their spouse’s wild spending. Keep tabs on things and be prepared if thing take an unwanted financial turn.

And in being prepared, speak to a lawyer about things. You are just gathering information is all. You won’t act upon it right now. However, if a time comes, you will have some knowledge about your rights and what you can legally do with monies and assets. You do need to protect yourself and your financial future in this.

Even right now. Do you two own your house? Rent? Mortgage? Is H renting? Is he still providing towards the house? Is he still paying bills at the house? Is he solely paying for his new place? Do you have your own funds or is everything joint?

You are on two paths. One is the emotional and healing path. The one of self growth and betterment. The becoming the very best version of yourself. A woman only a fool would leave. Honestly, this path is the one that you will walk the most.

The second path is the business side of this situation. Yes, marriage is like business partnership. And if/when things go awry treat it as such. You keep emotions out of needed financial decisions. Another good reason to have and heed your own legal counsel.

You asked if these DB techniques work. And yes they do.

No one can guarantee your marriage will be saved. However, I can guarantee, DB and you will be. And in your betterment, in following these principles, you will have the best chance at reconciling and saving your marriage.

The future is unknown and unwritten. Focus on you and your present.

You’ve got the gift of time, use it well.

D

[Kind18]

Everything that DNJ posted is spot on.

While the psych community doesn’t always agree on MLC, it can nearly always be traced to unresolved childhood trauma or sudden life events which demonstrate mortality.

He's had a lot of things happen over the past year or so that haven't happened to me - his mum had a severe health scare, he was in a really nasty car accident that wasn't his fault but the person who drove out in front of him was in a coma for six weeks.

These sound like stock-standard MLC triggers right here.

Your husband is in emotional turmoil due to MLC. What he needs is some regular, intensive and intrusive therapy for 12-18 months.

What he has decided to instead is blame you for his unhappiness and blow up your marriage.

There’s NOTHING you can do to make him realise that. You can’t waltz in and tell him he’s having an MLC and to get some therapy, because that would make him feel like he’s even further away from this short term, utopian happiness he so desperately seeks.

He needs to crawl through this river of s*** on his own and realise it’s not you, and that’s going to take an absolute minimum of 2 years. But more likely 4-6 years without professional help.

I'm wondering about sending a newsy e-mail maybe once a week. Is this stupid? Should I just let well alone?

- No
- Yes, very
- Don’t even think about it.

The one benefit you have is that there has been a pretty clean break here. That means he’s likely to feel the weight and consequences of his decisions more heavily and sooner. It’s actually an advantage towards reconciliation if you aren’t around or interacting or communicating with this person.

Recently there’s been a few posters come through here that have talked BIG on their DB actions, but when push has come to shove, they’ve been weak as s***. They’re constantly fixing their ex’s problems, spending time, going to parties, checking in on them, comforting them, talking to their in laws … that’s a disaster and solidifies the divorce.

Absolute minimum contact and full physical separation maximises chances of them having a lightbulb realisation.

If you’re emailing every other day, how will they ever miss you?

Search the forum regarding avoiding the “friend zone”.

And talk to Ready2Change about working on your attractiveness. He’s the guru on that.

[Ready2Change]

There are definitely people that have reconciled here.....as people begin to reconcile, they spend less time here, instead working with their spouse and marriage counseling.

This is my perception as well.

[Ready2Change]

And talk to Ready2Change about working on your attractiveness. He’s the guru on that.

LOL...Most of us arrive here "Comfortable" and could use a jump start in making ourselves more attractive. Make daily grooming a habit, or better yet a ritual. Enjoy the process of taking care of yourself. Also focus on enjoying every little moment of the day. Take several deep breathes right when you wake up and enjoy the feelings that come with breathing. Same thing while showering, enjoy all the sensations. The warm water as well as all the smells of your soaps and shampoos etc. If they do not smell good to you, toss them and get some that you like.

Look into getting new clothes with a new style you want to try.