H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Hi RtC,

Thank you soooo much for the great advice. I had to look up STFU!!! And yes I have. 💪🏼💪🏼 And one of the great things is that you led me to ‘Why Men Love Bitches’, Sherry Arcov. I already have this and I read it cover to cover yesterday. Boy, it propelled me, but this morning I’m teetering.

I bought this book in the beginning of our relationship because I honestly couldn’t work out why H was so submissive to XW and why she was powerful to him. XW was a bully to him and she would scream at him—it was awful and then they would fight and argue. Why the heck I stayed in this situation when I found out he wasn’t divorce, only separated. It is one of my greatest shames and look where it has led to. They just haven’t had closure, nor it seems do they want to and I’ve allowed myself to be taken along on the worst journey of my life.

Back to the book. I only took note of the first half of the book and skimmed the rest because we weren’t in a long-term relationship. What I remembered yesterday is that I did apply these techniques and transformed myself and learned a lot about being attractive to H. Consequently, XW had lost her power and she started to become desperate and started sending us texts that she was so lonely. She would come around and cry because our relationship had strengthened and she had no power anymore—until now (and it is partly my fault). I have lost the techniques along the way—obviously, because that is why I’m here and I have become a doormat. I have now highlighted text in this book to add strength to my 180’s.

Is it ever too late to save a M?

Meanwhile, back to RtC’s recommendations on enjoying my weekend ignoring my phone…

As H and I normally catch up on weekends, H assumed (after treating me poorly all week because I set boundaries) that he would come over. H sent a text and said “Would you like me to come over or what?” I told H, I was having a girly night in and if he wanted to come across he could come with me to have fish and chips at our favourite spot at the beach (where he proposed to me). I didn’t even think about it, it was just somewhere I wanted to go because the swell was huge. My invite generated a rage from him because he saw me as ‘ho hum’ about it all and seeing him. He told me he never wants to see that shitty place again and find someone else to take there. There were many more texts of rage and spew and I answered with (sparingly), “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way…!” etc. One of the momentous texts I got was, “I don’t need you anyway, I have others in my life that think I’m important!”

I tried so hard to leave my phone and get on with it and the Rage texts went on and on into the night. I eventually told H (in a nutshell) that I don’t care for his raging anymore… I’m not some POS that is going to be treated with disrespect and if you don’t have anything nice to say please don’t contact me anymore. He raged for another two texts asking me why I don’t to divorce him. That statement or the equivalent is one of H’s go to’s when he is out of the M.

My question is… with all this spittle, does it mean my boundaries really are working and is he trying to disclose his guilt over EA contact with XW?

I’m not sure why I need to know, I think it would just give me a little bit more confidence that I’m changing the dynamic. I’m sure the readers are nodding yes, but I can’t see the forest.

I’m determined today to have NC with H whatsoever. I have to contact him tomorrow about financial matters.

Oh I need more wisdom. Many thanks to those who have already offered it.

Kanga