With the forum a bit, but also with life. Husband moved out three weeks ago now. He doesn't know why and has since been for one counselling session. He seemed to think that the counsellor would tell him why he had decided to leave (16 years married). I hadn't realised anything was wrong, I just thought he was quiet because he was tired. I now think he is stressed and possibly depressed and running away - from me, though I'm fairly confident it's not me that's the primary cause. I don't know how the counselling session went - we have minimal contact right now - or whether he is going back for more. I read Michele's book and 'the last resort' made sense - I had stopped chasing fairly quickly because it clearly wasn't useful. It's SO HARD though, the waiting and wondering. I have to read that bit of the book every day to try to squash the urge to go and knock on the door of his new flat. I feel like I need to keep myself in his mind or he'll just carry on with his plan to start over without me. Any support gratefully received, especially if anyone else has been through a similar weird one with no clear reason!! Thanks in advance
Hi Iolietta. Welcome to the board. I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m all too familiar with the pain and confusion of a spouse that suddenly walks away.
You are in a great place. There are some vets here that are amazing. I wouldnt call myself that even though my profile is 9 years old. I’m going through my second separation and probably divorce. I wont throw a bunch of advice at you right now just because I’m also raw right now from my separation. I just wanted to say welcome. But one thing I will say is dont give in to those urges to pursue him right now. I know you want to keep yourself in his mind, but doing so will have the opposite effect of what you want. It will push him further away.
If you havent already, read some of the pinned threads on this message board. I’d start with Sandi’s Rules
Last edited by Card29; 09/08/2309:09 AM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Welcome to the boards. I’m copying Cadet’s Welcome Thread below for your reference. It has many links to a wealth of useful information. I’m glad to see you’re reading DR and finding it useful.
Yes, chasing, pleading, begging, usually propels one further from their goal. H needs time and space to figure himself out.
Originally Posted by Iolieta
I feel like I need to keep myself in his mind or he'll just carry on with his plan to start over without me.
A lot of this Divorce Busting path is at first counterintuitive. What we feel is best, actually is counterproductive.
H needs to feel the loss of you. He moved out three weeks ago, let him be. Go dark or grey. Only have minimal contact, keep it to kids and bills. And only when necessary.
Minimal contact is also good for you. Finding detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment is when one’s emotions are no longer uncontrollably dragged by our spouse’s words and/or behaviour. You still feel, just not so out of control. And going minimal contact fosters detachment.
I see you and H have been married 16 years. What are your ages? Any kids?
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks, all very helpful and a lot of extra reading!! He is 50, I am approaching 50. No kids, never wanted them. Lots of animals though (mine). I will attempt to maintain my aloof detachment!
Everything that works is counter-intuitive. You attract him back by not trying to attract him back.
Become the sexiest version of yourself for YOU. It will make you feel better. When you do interact with him, show him what he is missing out on.
New perfume, new stylish clothes, makeup/hair ect. Completely positive attitude. Act as if this is the best thing that has happened to you. You are now free.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Iolieta, let me highlight the "new perfume" idea. Ready2Change encouraged a new cologne for me. I went out and found something I liked. I don't even know if my W has noticed as she is not around me much. But it really boosts my mood every time I put it on. Scent is really tied to memories. My old cologne reminds me of our dates, etc. I would only wear it on special occasions, nights out, so I actually hate it right now. The new scent is usually an immediate mood-boost, and it let's me get started and working on other healthy activities with a better attitude.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Struggling again today :-( I know he's been to a counselling session and I really want to know if he's booked in for another. Urge to contact is strong. It's three weeks now since I last saw him, that's the longest we've gone in 20 years and massively long in terms of not speaking to one another which used to happen two or three times a day even when he was working away from home. There seem to be a lot of separated or divorced people on the forum, are there many for whom the techniques do actually work?
There are definitely people that have reconciled here. Vets can answer better than me, but I saw one recently say that as people begin to reconcile, they spend less time here, instead working with their spouse and marriage counseling. We are here because we are hurting and trying to work on our marriages with our spouses is typically not an option at the moment.
20 years is a long time, these three weeks must feel like an eternity. You’re in the first steps of a marathon, not a sprint. I’m not a vet, but I know that asking your H about his counseling will have the opposite effect you want. There is nothing worse than sitting and wondering, especially after 2 decades of intimacy and being able to just ask him those questions. I’m wondering the same thing about my W. Hoping she is going to counseling and being honest with them. But i have no control over her or that, so pursuing it will push her away, hurt any work she may be doing, and keep me attached and dragged along.
Keep posting. And keep reading the pinned threads. And keep focusing on you and your support system. I promise you’re in a great place here, and you are taking the right steps by detaching and giving space. Dont follow your instincts - “do the opposite” (George Costanza)
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I forgot to add my story. I was divorced 9 years ago. I DB’d. I was a slow learner. I begged, pleaded, cried. Off and on for weeks, months. But eventually it clicked for me. I found peace, I found happiness, and I found myself. I had a new energy on life. The GAL (get a life) activities had taken off and I’d made legitimate new friends. I was finally over W.
Fast forward to a year after our separation and divorce. I had met somebody. It was just fun, nothing too serious yet. W came clean about the separation, that she’d had an affair (I already knew). And a couple weeks later, she asked if I wanted to try again. I said no. I felt confident in my decision and have never regretted it. But DB did at least work to the point of giving me the option to try, and it gave me the clear head to make the best decision for myself.
I’m DBing again. I again dont want a D right now, but my current goal is to detach. That’s when you get the power back in your life. And it’s the best chance you have with your marriage.
Last edited by Card29; 09/10/2306:04 AM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
