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[Gerda]

It's interesting how both of our Once-Upon-A-Spouses seem to get crazier and crazier with each passing month/year. And are totally self-focused. Yours however does not seem driven to cause harm and evil, like mine. Yours hurts her children but not in such a strategic way. Both are so lost, and it just seems so sad. In my case I think I did not see the signs that he was always driven to harm me, I just kept us afloat on what I thought he was/could be, and his attempts to practice faith I think did help keep him from the worst for a little while. In your case you do not see a pattern from the old days with her except in the abrupt departure without bag/sweater happening twice I think.

I see many folks here posting about still grieving the loss of the relationship, even those whose spouses were cruel, though you don't seem to do that now, you are accepting and have distance. For me I see my entire history with the Was-band as a lie; I never feel grief for the relationship and have disassociated from those memories. I only feel grief for myself, thinking about what was going to happen to the girl in the photo, thinking about what I wish I could tell her or how unclear my vision was. I also feel hope and light, I see how God used what happened to me for my Good, even though I ignored all the warning signs before I married H. And I think God really wanted my children to be here, so I am thankful for that.

I'm still so trapped in this abusive nightmare, my future still so uncertain, and he is still so horrible to the children as well that I seem only able to live with this background terror radiation while still trying to enjoy the rest of my life. I am pretty desperate for the time when I don't have that anymore. And at this point I don't even blame H for doing what he does as much as I blame the judge for enabling it. It's the judge who is keeping me trapped, H would not have the power to do it if it weren't for her.

It's nice to see how peaceful you feel about your life, you were that way for a long time, but still it keeps going, that's good, DnJ. I don't see a future like that for myself, I mean I can't really see it yet though I long for it so much. I just have been trying to make peace with the idea that maybe I won't get free of him, it seems impossible, and so many people live through so much worse and survive.

Anyway I sure hope I'll be able to spend my days fixing things and enjoying time at home without terror, like you do. I'm doing that all the time and love my fixer-upper projects, it's just that my heart is always terrified, there is always this fear hanging over me, even when I am feeling peace and happiness or fun or just passion and interest in some project. In fact the cottage project is almost done, I have some heating questions for you that I'll post when I have time....

Big hug.