H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Hi Cadet and DnJ,

Oh my gosh yes… that was sound advice from DnJ. Everything you said DnJ is absolutely what is going on. I thought I was the only one going through this. Seems H is almost Textbook. H changes his feelings depending on the wind direction.

Only just now I have had the strangest encounter with him and I took the bait badly. I text him this morning to say I will call at lunchtime as I’m not picking up the phone in the mornings like I usually do. I’m making myself very busy, too busy to talk (which most of the time I am. I just take calls from H). I also said I have a phone app (meaning phone appointment), he text and said “phone app??” So I clarified. Five mins later I get a text that just said “P”. I always thought P was a cheeky, flirty gesture. So I text back with “P? Or was that meant for someone else?” And he wrote back “meant for someone else and I told them I need to P.” I text “that’s intimate” and he said “I didn’t want them to watch me pee!”

So after an hour or so I rang back and we made small talk and I promised to myself I wouldn’t ask what the texts meant, but of course I did. I tried to ask in a teasing way. He got so angry and said “I’m so sick of you accusing me and thinking I’m having an affair… I’m sick of it!”… And hung up. He then text me how awful I am for accusing him of having an affair. I haven’t asked him whether he has been having an affair with XW for well over a few years.

Did he just project and expose something? It makes me so confused. I just feel gaslighted. Stupidly I text and said “well if I had of text those exact words, you would have asked me in the same way what it all meant!” He just kept replying “I’m sick of you accusing me!” Which I haven’t and never suggested.

Here I’m thinking I’m setting terrific boundaries. He was sending abusive texts the other night because I didn’t answer him in the right way. So I just went dark. Eventually he apologised and I then felt I could be in contact with him up until this morning with me still going dark. For those who are just reading, H and I spend 4 nights together and 3 apart. Lately he has been lessening the time together—hmmmmmm. All of it is just making feel paranoid and downright crazy. I just know he baited me so he could go off at me to push me away. Would anyone else agree that it was projection?

Meanwhile…

Just hopped off the phone to my counsellor as well and she has absolutely agreed with everything that you have suggested DnJ and Cadet. C thinks I should not at all trust XW and have involvement with her and thinks she is just enmeshed as H is.

Here are the things that I’ve done this week as 180’s and boundaries:

- Lessen contact with H’s family (going dark). FIL in hospital and have sent a short text to him and SIL. Usually I would ring SIL and offer my support and try and call FIL
- I’m keeping busy, catching up on jobs around my home (I work from home)
- Resting a lot (as my work is at times very physical and the stress of this makes me exhausted)
- Hanging up on H when he starts to get angry. No trying to fix him and cajole him out so we can talk about essential things like money. Just let the chips fall as they may
- Not doing any work for him like managing finances like I normally would
- Getting on here and posting
- Not talking to SIL about H
- Not phoning him, but letting him contact me
- Really trying not to react
- Talking low and soft and cheerful
- Not reacting to him talking with the same accent as his XW and his different pronunciation of words etc. This drives me soooo mad. I used to say something and it would lead into arguments.

C thinks that at some point there will be a crisis and I agree. We both think that H and XW will ‘accidentally’ sleep together or something of the effect. I feel this is only the beginning of their enmeshment and I’m so disappointed that I reacted to his stupid text messages this morning because I feel it was a set up.

I actually thinks it’s getting to H—all this lying and double life stuff. He says he is really unhappy (but very quick to point out that is not unhappy with me). I say [censored]. I just can’t trust him and there is a very small part of me that wants to believe that he is not lying to me. I just can’t imagine XW telling me all about the contact they’re having behind my back as lies. She doesn’t have to lie to me and in fact, I’m sure it would be a great satisfaction for her to tell me the truth as it puts in a position of power.

I’ve decided to stand in my marriage for at least a year and declared that conversations with XW and finding out H is lying to me as the official BD.

Kanga