Bike

[Pattnee5]

I certainly wouldn’t be picking up her broken pieces Rock. She’s using you as her crutch and you’re no longer her H so why is she even asking when I’m sure she has friends etc she can turn to.
I would be letting her find her own counsellor, letting her seek her own financial advice and certainly be taking her out as any beneficiary.

[JosephS]

I’m gonna be blunt.

You screwing with everyone Rock?

You’ve been told a thousand times to stop contacting her. You’ve been told she’s fired you. You’ve been told how many times over a year exactly what to do, yet here you are asking if you should run over. I don’t understand at all why absolutely none of this has sunk in. This is the walking definition of insanity.

Just stop man. Let her wallow in the misery she created. Why are you so freaking incapable of that? She’s ruined your marriage, killed a year you’ll never get back and you don’t care at all. Again it’s been a year and you’re on like day 30 at best.

Half your updates are some weird fortune cookie type update that doesn’t make sense that you don’t follow anyway.

You know what to do, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m out. There’s nothing left to say. You refuse to listen and it’s been year. Good luck

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

W texted, “ do you think I should open up a retirement investment for myself? We have been doing our taxes together up until now. At some point we might divide our assets.”

She trying to draw you back in Rock. Don’t take the bait. Let her stew on this. Let her figure it out.

I also have life insurance with W as beneficiary so that she can pay off our house should I die.

Yep, sounds like the common family planning situation.

W texted now and told me she is really not doing well and has asked for help to find a counsellor.

Oh, she is certainly ramping up her baiting isn’t she? Leave it alone!

Yes, she likely would benefit from some IC. However, you don’t need or want the responsibility, the weight of whatever the outcome is from her counselling to be upon your head. Let her find her own counsellor.

I really want to get started on fixing up a bike.

Good!

Days ago, you were not worried or stressed or “needed” to decide retirement investments, adjust beneficiaries, or find W a counsellor. None of that was on your radar. So, don’t place it there because W says/texts something.

What is on your radar is getting started fixing up a bike. So do it! Keep working towards that goal. Decide on year, make, model, and condition of bike. And how much of a project are you looking for? How soon do you want to able able to ride? Make the space for working on the bike. Are parts easily available? Are manuals, diagrams, and other resource materials readily available?

With the big old internet, we basically have the entire summation of all human knowledge at our finger tips. It can be difficult to find what we are looking for. Finding a specific service manual is sometimes like filling a cup with a fire hose. It’s in the stream somewhere, just got to find it. And why are there so many cat videos? Lol.

And if your not sure about taking such a plunge into the world of motorcycling, and I get it, this is an investment of money and time, and this hobby might not be as enthralling as you think. (Haha such a run on sentence.)

Anyhow, rent a bike for a day. Go riding. A day of freedom. A day of travelling and seeing the sights. Afterwards, while digesting the day’s events and emotions - and picking the bugs out of your teeth - I suspect you’ll have quite the inner fire for this project.

- - - -

Some business side type stuff.

Of course, locales have differing rules so I’ll speak to what mine were/are. Definitely speak with your own lawyer to get your area’s legal information/interpretation.

Without a prenuptial agreement all martial assets were subject to splitting up. That included my pension and all our accounts. Items that were set up “legally” with only one sole owner were government savings in W’s name. That money was actually from relatives and was for our kids’ university education. However, at separation, that went with W. Regardless, I honoured the amounts, provided for the kids, and ensured the wishes of relatives (some now dead) did in fact get carried out.

Anyhow, your pension, and your two’s retirement savings are likely subject to sharing between each other. (Again, my locale’s rules).

Wills it turned out could not be altered while there is ongoing legal flux. Shortly after bomb drop, I did go to a lawyer to change my will to ensure my kids future in case something happened. No dice. The laws here are very strict or lenient, depending upon whichever perspective you are looking with. A spouse can cheat, leave the home, move in with someone else, throw their kids away, etc, etc, and still be entitled to half of everything and alimony. There is no such thing as abandonment of the marital home. In fact our homesteader act provides a legal framework for a spouse to have a continued roof over the head, even if said house were legally willed to someone else.

The flip side, an errant spouse cannot just on the drop of a hat, write their partner out of their will and leave them penniless either. The slow movement of the legal machine does have a purpose.

Basically, if I were to have died, and believe me I felt like I would in those first few months, W would have inherited everything. She (and OM?) could then have moved in, or sold the house, or whatever. And our kids would have gotten nothing.

I could not change my will until W and I had been separated for one year. Funny side story, after that one year I made an appointment to see my lawyer to change my will. Now, my situation was very speedy with W desperately pushing divorce along, so one year post her leaving was really close to the one year separated and cool down period before a divorce could be filed. Anyhow, I showed up to my lawyer office to discuss my will and I get served divorce papers. OMG! I was so shocked.

My fortunate visit, did saved me getting served at my workplace which was scheduled in a few days from then. Gosh, that would have been something.

My L thought that was why I had made the appointment. He figured I knew what W was doing. Of course, she hadn’t spoken to me for a year at that point, so I had no idea. She filed for divorced, even wrote and appended yet another letter stating I had sole custody of the kids, and she paid for it all. All I had to do, and could do, was sign in front of my lawyer and a wittiness. With W altering nothing from our agreement, and wanting nothing, divorce was not, and is not, contestable. There was no fight, nothing. My marriage legally ended without so much as a whimper.

You and W are still legally married. Your wills may not be alterable or pension benefits either. However, you are one year post W moving out, perhaps wills can be changed. Pensions alterations require a signed waiver from one’s spouse, with accompanying legal signature from a lawyer that they received counsel of the implications.

As for mortgage will, and your legacy. I’d look at placing life insurance on the mortgage instead of paying the house off with funds from a will. In the event of an untimely demise your house would be paid off, regardless of who is stated as beneficiary/beneficiaries in a will.

Your current life insurance with W as beneficiary could be cancelled, or not. She could take it over, and make the payments. Probably should if the policy is to remain active.

By the way, days after W left, I did change my beneficiaries on my life insurance policies. This I could do, with no cool down or waiting period. I could’ve also cancelled W off my work’s health insurance. There was no savings to do so, as it is just a family rate, so I just left it alone.

I did inform W of my changing of life insurance beneficiaries, that she was no longer entitled to anything. I was/am worth a lot of money - dead. Aside from needing to ensuring my kid’s welfare, I didn’t need W considering anything unsavoury towards my continued existence. Sadly, that kind of thing does happen. However, my real reason was looking after the kids. Still, two birds, one stone.

As for my legacy, all four kids are listed as equally shares, with their share splitting to their kids if they are deceased. Before they were all the age of majority I had to list care giver and trustee, it’s much simpler now.

Anyhow, like your radar and your bike and your life, this is your business path and decisions. Don’t take on W’s. What does Rock want/need to do?

Hope that helped. Have a great day.

D

[Rockon]

This is helpful DnJ, and I have questions. I had a good appointment yesterday at a Family Law access office to educate myself more with my situation and I have an appointment with a lawyer coming up.

So I can explore if I am able to get life insurance for myself tied to the mortgage so that if I die the mortgage is directly paid off. I could then cancel my life insurance with W as a beneficiary or give her the option to take that over and pay for it with her own money, if I’m reading you right.

In your case, I understand you removed W from your life insurance and told her that promptly and you named your children as equal beneficiaries instead. Your will you were not able to alter at first.

Pertaining to my life, I can explore drafting my will to say that my inheritance (half of our shared assets, including pension) will go to my kids (with a trust fund managed for special needs S). I can also draft up a separation agreement and make more concrete and clear the reality of our situation.

In regards to my pension, I am getting legal and financial advice. I am considering moving to another job with a different pension plan, drawing from my existing pension (early retirement) and investing it with financial guidance. I assume that I would need to inform W of such a change.

I want to do this thoughtfully and wisely and not reactively to my emotional state. Also I want to make important decisions for my well being and that of my family and legacy in ways that are fair and legal with respect to W. I don’t want to prematurely push the divorce along and at the same time I need to have some firm clear boundaries in place.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

So I can explore if I am able to get life insurance for myself tied to the mortgage so that if I die the mortgage is directly paid off. I could then cancel my life insurance with W as a beneficiary or give her the option to take that over and pay for it with her own money, if I’m reading you right.

Yes. With a policy tied to your mortgage, the premiums decrease as your principle decreases. It’s not a fixed policy, it’s based only the remainder of the mortgage amount. A so much per thousand, calculated each month or biweekly.

In your case, I understand you removed W from your life insurance and told her that promptly and you named your children as equal beneficiaries instead. Your will you were not able to alter at first.

Yes, my life insurance policy was a group insurance through work. Four times my annual salary. I could just change the beneficiaries as I saw fit. My will could not be altered until the dust settled.

Pertaining to my life, I can explore drafting my will to say that my inheritance (half of our shared assets, including pension) will go to my kids (with a trust fund managed for special needs S).

Setting up a trust fund and naming a trustee is a good plan. As well as stating the equal portions of your estate to each kid.

Pension plans are different and have different rules. My pension plan’s only possible beneficiary is my spouse. That is a survivor benefit really not so much a beneficiary. It’s basically we would be more co-withdrawing it. The survivor benefit was 2/3rds to survivor - me or W, as it is a lifetime pension.

My situation was rare, and XW signed off my pension. Taking nothing. As such, I was then treated as single, which I am, and my monthly pension amounts is higher but when I die that’s it. No beneficiaries. Aside from my actual contributed monies, which does not include the employer’s or the interest, would go to my estate. However, the plan pays out my monies first, so in only a few years my contributions are “on paper” exhausted.

Good for you setting up an appointment with a lawyer. You need to know your locale’s rules and interpretations regarding separation / divorce. Knowledge is power.

I’d consider speaking with a finical planner as well. Digging through the maze of a pension plan’s rules can be daunting. They should be able to shed some light for you, as well as help with investing / reinvesting for you future.

I was lucky, my pension provider had an online course regarding the options, contributions, early retirement penalties, buy out options, and so on. Perhaps your’s does as well, or some literature, or other resource material. They also may have seminars which they put on every now and then. My provider did that too. You had to sign up to go, and the enrolment filled up fast.

I want to do this thoughtfully and wisely and not reactively to my emotional state.

You bet. Very important decisions to consider.

Have a great weekend.

D

[Ready2Change]

Had a female friend begging for me to take her for a ride on the bike. "Absolutely, by me a drink first." After drinking the drink, told her we need to schedule it for a time when we were both sober.

Rock, quid pro quo should be added to your mantra list.

[Terapin]

If you reply at all, tell her to handle her own business.

[Ready2Change]

If you reply at all, tell her to handle her own business.

99% Choice #1) Do not respond.

1% Choice #2) Against all the advise here, but better than helping her: H:"I believe it is best if you find a C yourself."

[Rockon]

Haven’t responded

[Rockon]

Lots lots going on. Talking to L about present reality and how to protect finances, asets and look after self family and home fairly and according to law. Some extra therapy too. It’s helping.

Eldest D (lives out of state) has suffered domestic violence from XH and this came to a head this weekend. I won’t go into it here. XH was arrested and D has retained a lawyer and is going for full custody of granddaughter I will fly to be with them.

This situation has brought W and I together to rally to D’s cause and family needs. D has mostly been talking to me but she did reach out to W last night.

While W and I were talking about D, W told me that this has been a really hard year for W. She said, “It’s been a hard 10 years, but it’s been a really hard year.” I listened. She went on to say that what has happened between her and eldest S (disconnection and him disapproving of her) has been so incredibly hard. I STFU and validated her emotional state.

Youngest D has moved out to a great space and I’m very happy for her. She did stop by last night to say hi and have something to eat. After she left I went over to a friends house for a couple beers.