Thank you guys for the advice. I think I will start getting the D paperwork done, after doing a little more homework of course.
DnJ,
Originally Posted by DnJ
In my understanding of the current state of your situation, you and W are cleaved financially. Not living together, no joint bills, no joint assets - it’s how you two are going about things day to day. Legally, the courts may have a different interpretation.
This is mostly correct. When W first moved out, she opened a new bank account and transferred her direct deposit to it thus separating our finances. She moved out and started paying her own bills, thus I began to pay the ones we previously shared. We do not have any shared bank accounts or credit cards. The one thing left in play is the house. All she did was move out and stop paying. The mortgage and the house are still in both of our names. I have lived in the house and paid for it solo for the last 5 years, but it is still considered a joint asset. Which leads me to another explanation that I am not sure I've ever mentioned...
Originally Posted by DnJ
You say she has more to lose than you. Maybe I’m misreading your need for financial protection.
I do feel like I need financial protection because of our 1 joint asset, the house I am still living in. W actually makes more money than I do. Hasn't always been the case, but it is currently. W also has more money in her 401k than I do. W also has a little money in her family. Her paternal grandparents had self made money. I am not sure how well off they were, but I believe they had millions. They used to give money as gifts, but with strings attached. W and I always opted out of receiving their money as we wanted to live our own lives without being subjected to their will. When grandpa died (several years after grandma), the family ended up fighting over the inheritance (I believe this may have been the onset of MLC as it happened about a year before BD), but the grandkids got the trust funds that were in their names. W got hers sometime after BD but before she moved out. It was about $450k if I remember correctly, although she never shared much of that info with me. It was in a protected trust and pretty sure set up in a way that it wouldn't be a marital asset. But sometime after she moved out, she took the money out of the trust and invested it. I don't know details other than that. However, I believe that in taking it out of the trust it then became a marital asset as it was no longer under the legal red tape of the trust. So, that is what I meant by she has more to lose than me. All I have is the equity in the house I live in, but she has trust money and whatnot. My fear is that she will try and take half the house, or her part of the investment. It would be a stupid move on her part to try and take her part on the house, but MLC is not a rational thing and she very well could push for that. Of course if we take it to court for a true 50/50 then I am fairly certain she would owe me money. I don't want that, I just don't want to give her money and I prefer not to fight about it. So I think maybe I need to get the ball rolling on things so that I can protect myself properly against her trying to take a piece of the house.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I will only stop having opportunity to become the man I’m meant to be, when I draw that final breath upon my deathbed. Until then, I have the agency to grow and effort towards that man. Oddly, I’ll never actual become him. Never be all I could be. For no matter how many days, if I had one more, I could grow a wee bit more.
AMEN to that!
Eagle, it's good to hear from you. I never thought I would be at a point to where I would consider moving on without W. We learn and grow so much. Would I even recognize the version of me from 7 years ago if I saw him on the street? One thing I will say regarding dating...
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I'm actually dating (if you can call it dates) with several men now, but I'm very honest to them of what my current expectations are. I'm seeking merely new friendships, and who know this could turn out in more.
When I started dating, I was honest too. But spending time with someone on an intimate level (romantic or not) can cause feelings to develop. For you or the other person, or both. I would keep that in mind. If your intent is really to just make new friends, make sure to be VERY clear about this regularly. Someone who starts to have feelings can easily dismiss the friendship talk with the idea that they can win you over. Maybe just keep an eye out for that possibility.
Bttrfly, good to hear from you. You are right about all of that. I have detached myself from her and do not see her often at all. Maybe once every couple months at a school event. Because of that, I am not witness to her daily behavior. It almost seems like she has normalized, except for the weird decisions I see her make from time to time. I guess what I am seeing is what everyone else was seeing when all this started. A seemingly normal person that is maybe slightly different than before. I'm not close enough to experience the crazy...and I'm glad for that. I saw that to explain that I guess I forget some of the rational you posted
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Because she doesn't care, can't be bothered, thinks she knows it all ... take your pick. ...
Because they make stuff up in their heads: * a narrative of what your relationship was that bears little resemblance to your reality * what they think you will do when they do x, y, z * what they WANT an outcome to be
AND they tend to get pretty upset when it doesn't play out the way they imagined it would.
How easy it is to forget to apply those things to your own situation. Thank you for that. And I'm with you, the one thing I always wanted for myself through this is to make decisions I wouldn't regret. To be able to look at myself in a mirror. To be able to sleep at night. To be able to say that I did everything I could and that it was my best. And, I think I have done that. I think that my possibility for happiness is higher than it has been in a long time.
