That is a tough spot to be in. I am not sure what advice to give, to be honest. Living with someone going through this is very difficult. I think what the hardest part for me was that my home was my little safety bubble from the rest of the world. The world is full of all kinds of conflict and drama, but at home it was our respite from it all. Then when MLC set in, that safety bubble was deflated. I started to constantly walk on eggshells around her. Not only was I having to learn to deal with the situation around me and how it was affecting us, but I also lost my safe place. I can not begin to describe how negatively this affected me.
I can tell you how I dealt with it, although I am not sure that my approach would work for everyone's situation. It actually didn't even have the affect I intended, but it was the first step towards being able to detach myself from the situation.
My BD started with W telling me about her EA with her coworker. This immediately led in to her going to happy hour after work with coworkers and staying out until late and coming home drunk (on weekdays no less). All while I was at home watching our children. There were a couple times that she didn't come home till morning and did not answer calls or texts. I was riddled with anxiety and depression was beginning to set in. It took EVERYTHING I had to maintain normalcy for our kids. After a few months she decided to move out for a few months for a trial separation. That lasted about 3 months and then she moved back in without much discussion. I knew this was not good (her moving back in without a discussion between us), but I was so down and out that it didn't matter to me. I just wanted her home. She calmed down a little, but she was still ice cold towards me. Then after about a year of walking on eggshells everyday and my emotional health basically being non-existent, she started going out again in the evening. That isn't to say she had completely stopped, but the regularity started picking back up again. I finally got to a point to where I just couldn't take it anymore. One night I sat her down and told her that we could not do this anymore. It was very bad for our family. I told her that it seemed like she was behaving in a way to try and get me to leave. I told her that I was not going to leave. That this is my family. Our family. This is the life that we have worked years to build and that I loved her. I loved our family and I was committed to it. I told her that she either needed to try and make things work between us, or she needed to leave...because I wasn't going to leave. And, she left. She didn't do it immediately. She began looking for a place, and after about 2 months, she moved out. And in that 2 months, I guess because she had a plan of escape, she was nicer. For me it was gut-wrenching. Because she hadn't been talking about it, I almost thought that she had changed her mind and was working on being nicer. But, in the background, she was just looking for a place. Her moving out was very hard. I won't go in to all the detail about that, but I can say that AFTER she moved out I realized how bad off I had gotten. After a week or so my anxiety lifted a bit. I think it was because I was able to come home to a safe place again. I was no longer walking on eggshells at least while home. That isn't to say that I was peachy after that, but I can say that is when my healing ACTAULLY began.
I think you are right about needing boundaries. I feel like that is much harder to enforce when he is living at home, but rage drinking and yelling while the little ones are home is not good. I mean it isn't good whether little ones are around or not, but a deal breaker if they are. I know that would be a hard conversation to have, but you can't live in fear and you have to be an advocate for the kids. I know you don't want to poke the bear, I know I never did either. But there comes a breaking point and I think that setting those boundaries sooner than later would serve you best. He needs to know that his behavior is not acceptable. He may be mad at the world, but he can't take it out on you and the kids and despite what is going through that foggy head of his, it isn't your fault and you don't deserve it.
Unfortunately I am not sure if there is really a good time. Someone going through MLC is going to have a hairpin trigger so even if you wait for a time that he is more reasonable, he might get defensive anyways. What you might do is plan a time to talk. Maybe try to pick a time where kids aren't around and schedule it with him. Think about the things you want to say. Maybe write them down so that you know that you cover everything. Try to be straightforward with it. Maybe try not to have it turn into a relationship talk. There may be time for that at another time, but this conversation is about setting boundaries. It will be hard enough for him to have a rational response, so best to keep it on topic and try not to get baited by him. You need boundaries, and that is for yours and the kids protection. You've got this!!
