Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card and MA. Surprisingly I feel extremely calm right now. Sad yes but calm. It is still very hard to hear H constantly use my past infidelity 9 years ago as his main reason even though we had long since moved past it and he had forgiven me long long ago. I have to keep reminding myself this isn’t the reason and it’s most likely the MLC rearing it’s ugly head-( although I also acknowledge that was traumatic for him and maybe he hadn’t fully dealt with it and now it’s resurfsced and reliving his trauma ). H obviously has a lot of work to do on himself to deal with his own demons before there’s any chance of us reestablishing a marriage that will stand the rest of time. I realise that so clearly now.
I won’t let my past dictate who I am right now or who I will become. I have used my past mistakes to be the lesson to strengthen me to be who I am today and who I will become ( even if that’s not the person my H wants anymore)

I still love him so deeply and want the best for him but for now he needs to live his reality he has chosen which is a life without me. Hopefully he finds the strength to rise through this and help himself instead of spiral but either way it’s his path and I finally finally know that know when I fought it for so long and kept holding on making it my path too. For now I have to figure out how to “friendzone “ him 😆 and he his lighthouse


I think mine and H relationship is a bit strange he’s been so connected and in and out of my life from day 1. He’s wanted to basically switch from lovers to friends and I’ve gone along with it. I think eventually I could get to a place where I could really be friends with him but the pain deep down is still so raw.
Maybe one day we become a DB success story where we reconcile ( I realise now how long and enduring this MLC will actually be and it may still be years) but regardless I still feel like a success because without discovering DB, this forum, this support, I would still be buried in a mountain of tears and clinging for dear life. I would no way be where I am today.It’s taught me what it means to detach and taught me the most important person in this world is me so Thankyou everyone.