Not only am I to believe none of the hurtful, nasty stuff H says, but also the nice stuff?
Yep.
Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.
They are not (well usually not ) some pathological liar. These are folks who are letting their feelings rule their thoughts and actions. And feelings are fleeting. As quick as a feeling can and will change, so does their “reason”. They aren’t so much lying, as much as their “truth” is just so malleable to their current whim. And yes, at other times, they will outright lie to your face.
The really sad part for such a person, is when they start believing their truths/lies. They’ll quickly become lost in the weeds, and it’s a heck of a struggle to find their way back.
Hence, believe nothing they say.
The nasty stuff H says: It’s how he feels in that moment. Not actual truth. Not something you should take as gospel and believe.
The nice stuff H says: It’s how he feels in that moment. Not actual truth. Not something you should take as gospel and believe.
Actions speak louder than words. H’s behaviours will yield better indication of where he is at. H’s pursuing XW at the party says more truth than his exuberant professing of hardly ever contacting her. Thing is, he might actually believe his mixed up reality. Probably does. Taking their behaviours / actions at half value is again, because they will enact based upon their fleeting feelings too.
The underlying reality of H’s life will become apparent more in his long term demonstrated behaviours than his mere words. Long term. Individual interactions are just one questionable data point.
Anyhow, this why shifting your focus off H on onto yourself is so beneficial. Watching H for any small movements will drive your bonkers. And you’ll find all kinds of indicators that just won’t add up.
We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can or will let go the rope. Hopefully this has helped you with that.
I am glad that your conversation with XW provided some closure and helped you.
Thank you for the custody information. I figured that the step kids would be near adults by now, and drop off and pick up would be a nonissue. Should be far less needed face to face interaction between H and XW regarding adult children. SD being a teen will have a certain amount of school, driving lessons, visiting, and such to sort out. The boys in their twenties can easily see Dad or Mom as they see fit.
Originally Posted by KangaB
I can’t fix him. I can clean up my side of the street—I get it. I’m tired of it. I went back to old patterns and behaviours. I got lazy basically. I have been setting boundaries as stated in Cadet’s reply. Oh it’s awful—the reactions. When do the reactions stop?
You cannot control H, only yourself. You control your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Boundaries are for disrespectful behaviour. And they will tested. H will smash against your boundaries, so ensure they are rock solid. That means enacting your enforcement of your boundary.
Boundaries are for you. What you will, or will not tolerate. They aren’t some mechanism for trying to push H along his path, or heal him. Like you wisely said, you can’t fix him.
Yes, H will not like boundaries. And he will likely react negatively, like a child being told no. Temper tantrums, anger, and such. Fear not, stick to your guns. His reactions will lessen when he realizes he cannot get away with it, when he realizes you aren’t backing down. Again, his realizing is beyond your control, you just do for you and let him thrash about.
That being said, any physical violence - call the police! He can stomp, yell, get mad, whatever, yet he better not cross that line.
Most often boundary enforcement is simply removing oneself from their presence. Hanging up the phone or leaving the room when they start swearing at you, as an example. You control you.
Originally Posted by KangaB
What makes them become rigorously honest with themselves? I feel like I’m being played. However, I am coming out of denial with it all and accepting that this is the way it is for now.
Being honest with themselves speaks directly to how they are crafting their world view based upon their emotions. Thing is, some feel like they are being rigorously honest. Example, they feel like they no longer love us, and they will never again.
Major life decisions made based upon emotions often leads to regrets.
People can twist reality about, assert their feelings and weave they world accordingly. However, reality can only be twisted or bent so far, and then it snaps back. Life provides plenty of feedback. One chooses to listen or ignore it.
Most people will not make such life altering changes, heck not even smaller changes, until the hurt of not doing so becomes intolerable. People usually need to hit rock bottom before really changing.
I’m glad you can see your positive progress. Keep moving forward.
And yes, I find this forum to be pretty amazing too.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) some pathological liar. These are folks who are letting their feelings rule their thoughts and actions. And feelings are fleeting. As quick as a feeling can and will change, so does their “reason”. They aren’t so much lying, as much as their “truth” is just so malleable to their current whim. And yes, at other times, they will outright lie to your face.
