Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Ok so I am posting the interaction in hope others may possibly get something out of it (good or bad.)

Firstly- I DID IT. I couldn’t actually believe I had he courage and calmness to do it and instigate the next step. I thought I would be sitting back waiting and waiting forever. I remember a great vet early on in my journey Steve telling me about drop dates and having something in mind that was my end as my H was procrastinating and see-sawing constantly. I didn’t realise until I pulled out an old journal I had early on that I wrote “end of sept-let’s not repeat last Christmas”. I had forgotten all about the date. Anyway I couldn’t believe I had the courage.

I was in our bedroom and H popped in after playing with S to say goodnight and I asked to talk. I basically took a breath and told him I would like to schedule a meeting to move forward with legalities of separation and could we do it next week. H looked a bit vague then asked some questions. I didn’t want ro bring it up but I got sucked in and told him I wanted to sell and split all assets and move our seperate ways financially too and explained about how this current situation is not working and the constant snarky comments about “my money” etc were going to be very hard to live under long term. He said he understood and then went a bit into R talk. I shouldn’t have engaged but I know I messed up here and did. He rambled about how “I can’t possibly see myself sleeping back in this bed next to you”, “I’m too hurt by things and your infidelity 9 years ago”, “I know I said I forgave you and we were good for a long time but I am not now”, “you spoil the kids too much”, “I will never retire and work until I’m 90”, blah blah you name it I think I heard it.

I did ask him why he has taken so long to want to finalize things considering he was finished 9 months ago (yes ok I shouldn’t have engaged) and all he said was “because I was waiting to see if my feelings changed. They haven’t and they won’t”. This is where I did an internal eye roll and wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and say “how can anything in your life change if you don’t want to seek any help, or find your happy place again” ughhh. BTW I didn’t do this but I secretly thought it and thought how darn daft can you be.

During this brief conversation it’s funny seeing his moods change. Initially vacant, then got agitated but seemed to control himself better than in the past but still you could see the anger boiling as he threw daggers at me rattling reasons to not be with me (all those nuances of housework, money, spoil kids too much etc etc) I dodged every dagger though. Really, it was more water off a ducks back. In the past all of the words hurt so much now I almost can recite the scripts

From here, he then got teary (yes watery eyes) and just then D14 walked in all happy about her holiday and to get some stuff. H sprang up and embraced her and ended up becoming all hyperactive and saying stuff like “ have a great holiday, spoil the kids buy them whatever they want don’t even worry about money blah blah” …. um what? Haha this Alien is bipolar now? How very interesting.

Anyway conversation ended fine H kept saying to send him pics etc and updates of D comp. I think I was more curious watching the many faces of MLC pain and emotion in the space of a 4 minute conversation. Vacant, anger and defensive, sadness, hyperactive.

How did I do? I give myself a 6 out of 10. I should have shut the gate on the R talk but it’s done. Did it bother me the words the comments? That’s a definite no. Nothing like the past. I felt more sadness for where H is, more sadness that he’s forgotten what love is for himself and for others and even from others and the fact he has given up on someone who never would have given up on him.
I feel sorry for the fact that he has gone down this tunnel and has such a hard path out alone.

While we are now likely going our seperate ways do I still love him? Heck yes, so very much and a small fragment inside wished this would be enough for him to realize “what am I doing, I don’t want this, I want to save my marriage”, but he’s not at that point. Our story from here forward isn’t written. I am still going to be his lighthouse, I am still carrying hope that we can one day reconcile but regardless for now I am ok with this all. I think Kind said it to me a while back but maybe, just maybe this is what needs to happen for your marriage to be saved. Maybe he needs to live his reality, realize what he has thrown away, pull himself out of his hole and find his heart. And just maybe we do reconcile when he has healed or maybe we don’t. Either way right now I don’t mind. I do feel he needs to do this, it’s in his stubborn head he needs to follow his plan. And maybe only then will be realize what he has truly lost and what a fool he has become. In the meantime the DB has been working a treat. I feel detached I feel strong. I had a teary in the shower for about 2 minutes and that was it. After that I felt good and strong again about this being the right path for me now.

A few months back the above interaction would have been a completely different outcome. There would have been tears and lots of them, bargaining, pleading, trying to psychologically counsel him from stuff I had read. Look how FAR I have come. Tonight I was calm collected never stepped outside my box and continued to tell myself I know my self worth. I felt strong I felt grounded. I feel a bit guilty that I had the glimmer of thought that this would shock him enough to profess his undying love like a movie. (so yep I am also a human)

So I hope others can take some positives negatives and something out of the top. There was a time when I was a crying blubbering mess gripping to him for dear life. Now I have learnt to detach I find myself more balanced