If your lawyer is trying to speed up the process, just remember...that you are the one that is paying him/her to do the legal work and they work for you...not the other way around. Just advise your lawyer that you are working on the paperwork and when you have completed and reviewed the documents, not once, but twice, you will schedule an appointment to meet with him/her or will send him/her the information electronically. Don't allow your lawyer to rush you in doing the paperwork. Take your time. This is a serious matter and you need to work on the papers on your time. It's not like you are going to court today. Your lawyer sounds like he/she wants this over and done with in order to collect $$$.
As for your W...typical behavior in dragging her feet. She will find any and all excuses for not getting the paperwork done and submitted. Some complete the paperwork and it will have all sorts of discrepancies in them. They do not like to do the hard work. I do hope she completes the paperwork and submits it. It is very frustrating trying to get them to do their part.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your lawyer is trying to speed up the process, just remember...that you are the one that is paying him/her to do the legal work and they work for you...not the other way around. Just advise your lawyer that you are working on the paperwork and when you have completed and reviewed the documents, not once, but twice, you will schedule an appointment to meet with him/her or will send him/her the information electronically. Don't allow your lawyer to rush you in doing the paperwork. Take your time. This is a serious matter and you need to work on the papers on your time. It's not like you are going to court today. Your lawyer sounds like he/she wants this over and done with in order to collect $$$.
Of course, you are right. L already has the retainer I paid him, and has not come close to exhausting it, so already has an advance from me against future work.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
W attempting to push me out of the house. She has informed me she has made an appointment for us to look at apartments Friday morning.
Finances remain joint. She has presented me with a list of $100,000 of repairs to the house and miscellaneous other expenses that she wants to hold against our house value, none of which have been negotiated with attorneys as of yet.
Moving and rent cost serious money. She would probably like to deduct that from my buyout as well. As I see it, moving should occur after assets have been separated. Those are my expenses to manage, not hers to play with.
I don't think this woman has ever known what it means to be financially responsible on an independent basis. Our finances and budgeting have been managed by me throughout our marriage. I have been the one to find money when we have needed it or when she has blown up the credit card.
Most likely she'll never have to learn that responsibility either:
1. When we got married, her parents made her CC debt disappear.
2. When her side hustle accumulated $9K in CC debt, in came Daddy to the rescue.
3. Until now, her car has been a lease paid for by her job. She has decided she wants to buy the car she now has (SUV). Her father just dropped a $31,000 check in her lap to purchase it.
4. I'd be willing to bet that after I'm out, she will have the renovations done on our house (paid for by guess who), then sell it. And her parents will probably let her keep the profits. And then buy her a new house outright. Why do I think this? Because when W's brother moved a few years ago, that's exactly what happened. W's brother sold his house, paid off the mortgage, and then moved into a $650,000 home paid for in a lump sum by Daddy.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
$100,000 of repairs is quite a lot. And like you state in point 4, it’s more renovations than repairs.
If you and W were to sink that money into the house (as renovations) you’d get it back, as in the selling price is $x+100,000 (more or less). As the house is right now, it is worth $x. Don’t let her cloud things up.
Even if these theoretical repairs are needed, W is responsible for half of them. Therefore, your buy out - the monies W would give you - would only be $50,000 less.
It looks like you are planning on moving out? And then W likely selling the house later? Or are you considering keeping it?
Anyhow, yes, moving and rent and such are each individual’s responsibility after separating. Alimony will provide a levelling out of income disparity, based upon the before joint martial income and other factors. And child support is a separate issue.
Her family’s financial help sounds interesting indeed.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Even if these theoretical repairs are needed, W is responsible for half of them. Therefore, your buy out - the monies W would give you - would only be $50,000 less.
Yes, of course. The amount is not all renovations/repairs, but the biggest chunk of it is a complete redo of the basement. She is budgeting $50,000 for that alone. Our house is old, and renovations do tend to involve surprises and unforeseen expenses. The basement is the only part of our house that has not been renovated, and I won't deny it needs a lot of work. Cabinets need to be ripped out and replaced with shelving, there is old termite damage which will require replacement, there is some mold, and the office/storage area where I keep most of my stuff has to be fully overhauled, including electrical work. For all I know, $50,000 might be a reasonable estimate, but that would be significantly more than any other home improvement we've ever done. Example: we had our old deck replaced with a patio, replaced rotted/termite damaged wood on the back of the house, replaced siding as needed to cover those repairs, and had concrete steps installed leading down to the patio, and the total cost of that work was $25,000.
Originally Posted by DnJ
It looks like you are planning on moving out? And then W likely selling the house later? Or are you considering keeping it?
W has indicated she wants to keep the house. Frankly, that is probably the best option as I have no source of funds to buy her out, but she has parents who can provide the money to buy me out. She has not indicated she plans on selling the house later; that is just speculation on my part, although I think the odds are good. She has mentioned a few times over the years that she would like a bigger house.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Her family’s financial help sounds interesting indeed.
D
Her father is retired and pulls this money out of his 401k. Obviously I am not privy to how much is in there, but (depending on the market) I have reason to believe it fluctuates between 1.5 and 2 million. W said when he bought the house for her brother, he supposedly recovered all of that within a year.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Update: regarding the appointments to view apartments, W says that she thought I was okay with this, based on a previous discussion. Said she thought we agreed to split the savings account and then I use the money to move out.
Half of our savings account will not pay for one month's rent plus security plus other expenses, to say nothing of my monthly bills until D is final.
What I said is "finances" or "assets" need to be divided, not the savings account. I cannot finance my own living space otherwise without drawing from joint assets.
I sent her texts to discuss the financial/legal implications of moving out at this time. Her response:
"Things are getting stalled. We haven't worked on the financials, and you haven't brought up anything. If you have concerns, we need to talk about them. I am not trying to be a pain in the ***. I am trying to be respectful about the entire situation. But nothing is getting done. I feel like if I don't address something it goes by the wayside. I am feeling extremely frustrated."
She hasn't figured out, I guess, that I am not going to lead on this. Her financial statements are not getting completed either, and she has been at them quite a bit longer than I have.
If she wants to move forward, she needs to suggest a time to meet. Preferably with lawyers. Or get some stuff to my lawyer for discussion. She has done none of this.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
She can lead this. You certainly do not need to move out just because she thought things would go like that. Ah, the harsh slap of reality.
Perfectly reasonable not to move out until such a move is part of the separation agreement. You need to be cleaved from joint liabilities and get half the assets first. And until her financial statements are complete you are under no pressure to have your’s done quickly. She leads, you respond.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just take a deep breath mate. Her schedule is not your problem.
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She has informed me she has made an appointment for us to look at apartments Friday morning.
“Sorry W, I’m busy.”
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She has presented me with a list of $100,000 of repairs to the house and miscellaneous other expenses that she wants to hold against our house value, none of which have been negotiated with attorneys as of yet.
“I don’t agree with your list.”
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Moving and rent cost serious money. She would probably like to deduct that from my buyout as well.
You are projecting a lot. If you have the expense of moving and she stays, negotiate that with your lawyer so it doesn’t leave you out of pocket.
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I don't think this woman has ever known what it means to be financially responsible on an independent basis. Our finances and budgeting have been managed by me throughout our marriage.
Not your problem any more. That sounds like a problem for a husband, not a LBS.
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Most likely she'll never have to learn that responsibility either:
1. When we got married, her parents made her CC debt disappear.
2. When her side hustle accumulated $9K in CC debt, in came Daddy to the rescue.
3. Until now, her car has been a lease paid for by her job. She has decided she wants to buy the car she now has (SUV). Her father just dropped a $31,000 check in her lap to purchase it.
4. I'd be willing to bet that after I'm out, she will have the renovations done on our house (paid for by guess who), then sell it. And her parents will probably let her keep the profits. And then buy her a new house outright. Why do I think this? Because when W's brother moved a few years ago, that's exactly what happened. W's brother sold his house, paid off the mortgage, and then moved into a $650,000 home paid for in a lump sum by Daddy.
It’s not your job to teach her this. And how old is she? If people generally don’t learn something by the age of 30, they’re never going to learn it. Her family will continue to reinforce her bad financial management and so she’s more likely to get worse, not better.
This is not your problem any more. You need to let it go.
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Yes, of course. The amount is not all renovations/repairs, but the biggest chunk of it is a complete redo of the basement. She is budgeting $50,000 for that alone. Our house is old, and renovations do tend to involve surprises and unforeseen expenses. The basement is the only part of our house that has not been renovated, and I won't deny it needs a lot of work. Cabinets need to be ripped out and replaced with shelving, there is old termite damage which will require replacement, there is some mold, and the office/storage area where I keep most of my stuff has to be fully overhauled, including electrical work. For all I know, $50,000 might be a reasonable estimate, but that would be significantly more than any other home improvement we've ever done. Example: we had our old deck replaced with a patio, replaced rotted/termite damaged wood on the back of the house, replaced siding as needed to cover those repairs, and had concrete steps installed leading down to the patio, and the total cost of that work was $25,000.
This is simple. If she is buying you out, you get three independent house valuations on its CURRENT value and pick the middle one or average of the three. If works are undertaken to improve it before you split finances, then you value it AFTER they are done. Her claims of $100,000 for repairs are a waste of time. She’s trying to get the buy-out price down by being manipulative. Ignore it.
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She has not indicated she plans on selling the house later; that is just speculation on my part, although I think the odds are good. She has mentioned a few times over the years that she would like a bigger house.
Who cares? That’s her decision once she buys it off you. You’ve said you can’t afford to buy her out, so you have to sell. You work out the split and take your percentage. That’s the only option you have here.
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Her father is retired and pulls this money out of his 401k. Obviously I am not privy to how much is in there, but (depending on the market) I have reason to believe it fluctuates between 1.5 and 2 million. W said when he bought the house for her brother, he supposedly recovered all of that within a year.
Again, really not important.
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Update: regarding the appointments to view apartments, W says that she thought I was okay with this, based on a previous discussion. Said she thought we agreed to split the savings account and then I use the money to move out.
Half of our savings account will not pay for one month's rent plus security plus other expenses, to say nothing of my monthly bills until D is final.
What I said is "finances" or "assets" need to be divided, not the savings account. I cannot finance my own living space otherwise without drawing from joint assets.
I sent her texts to discuss the financial/legal implications of moving out at this time. Her response:
"Things are getting stalled. We haven't worked on the financials, and you haven't brought up anything. If you have concerns, we need to talk about them. I am not trying to be a pain in the ***. I am trying to be respectful about the entire situation. But nothing is getting done. I feel like if I don't address something it goes by the wayside. I am feeling extremely frustrated."
She hasn't figured out, I guess, that I am not going to lead on this. Her financial statements are not getting completed either, and she has been at them quite a bit longer than I have.
If she wants to move forward, she needs to suggest a time to meet. Preferably with lawyers. Or get some stuff to my lawyer for discussion. She has done none of this.
Send her a text back:
“This divorce is your idea. It’s not my job to help you through it. Here’s my lawyer’s contact details xxxx.”
Be assured I have zero intention of trying to teach her how to manage finances at this late date. The reason I brought up her financial history is because I am deep into thinking about managing my own finances going forward, and then she comes out with these clueless statements that suggest I can pull money out of whatever hat I want and move out.
I will also make clear to her that anything she wants regarding the process will move forward on her timeline, not mine.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
