My Story (2)

[Kind18]

Just take a deep breath mate. Her schedule is not your problem.

She has informed me she has made an appointment for us to look at apartments Friday morning.

“Sorry W, I’m busy.”

She has presented me with a list of $100,000 of repairs to the house and miscellaneous other expenses that she wants to hold against our house value, none of which have been negotiated with attorneys as of yet.

“I don’t agree with your list.”

Moving and rent cost serious money. She would probably like to deduct that from my buyout as well.

You are projecting a lot. If you have the expense of moving and she stays, negotiate that with your lawyer so it doesn’t leave you out of pocket.

I don't think this woman has ever known what it means to be financially responsible on an independent basis. Our finances and budgeting have been managed by me throughout our marriage.

Not your problem any more. That sounds like a problem for a husband, not a LBS.

Most likely she'll never have to learn that responsibility either:

1. When we got married, her parents made her CC debt disappear.

2. When her side hustle accumulated $9K in CC debt, in came Daddy to the rescue.

3. Until now, her car has been a lease paid for by her job. She has decided she wants to buy the car she now has (SUV). Her father just dropped a $31,000 check in her lap to purchase it.

4. I'd be willing to bet that after I'm out, she will have the renovations done on our house (paid for by guess who), then sell it. And her parents will probably let her keep the profits. And then buy her a new house outright. Why do I think this? Because when W's brother moved a few years ago, that's exactly what happened. W's brother sold his house, paid off the mortgage, and then moved into a $650,000 home paid for in a lump sum by Daddy.

It’s not your job to teach her this. And how old is she? If people generally don’t learn something by the age of 30, they’re never going to learn it. Her family will continue to reinforce her bad financial management and so she’s more likely to get worse, not better.

This is not your problem any more. You need to let it go.

Yes, of course. The amount is not all renovations/repairs, but the biggest chunk of it is a complete redo of the basement. She is budgeting $50,000 for that alone. Our house is old, and renovations do tend to involve surprises and unforeseen expenses. The basement is the only part of our house that has not been renovated, and I won't deny it needs a lot of work. Cabinets need to be ripped out and replaced with shelving, there is old termite damage which will require replacement, there is some mold, and the office/storage area where I keep most of my stuff has to be fully overhauled, including electrical work. For all I know, $50,000 might be a reasonable estimate, but that would be significantly more than any other home improvement we've ever done. Example: we had our old deck replaced with a patio, replaced rotted/termite damaged wood on the back of the house, replaced siding as needed to cover those repairs, and had concrete steps installed leading down to the patio, and the total cost of that work was $25,000.

This is simple. If she is buying you out, you get three independent house valuations on its CURRENT value and pick the middle one or average of the three. If works are undertaken to improve it before you split finances, then you value it AFTER they are done. Her claims of $100,000 for repairs are a waste of time. She’s trying to get the buy-out price down by being manipulative. Ignore it.

She has not indicated she plans on selling the house later; that is just speculation on my part, although I think the odds are good. She has mentioned a few times over the years that she would like a bigger house.

Who cares? That’s her decision once she buys it off you. You’ve said you can’t afford to buy her out, so you have to sell. You work out the split and take your percentage. That’s the only option you have here.

Her father is retired and pulls this money out of his 401k. Obviously I am not privy to how much is in there, but (depending on the market) I have reason to believe it fluctuates between 1.5 and 2 million. W said when he bought the house for her brother, he supposedly recovered all of that within a year.

Again, really not important.

Update: regarding the appointments to view apartments, W says that she thought I was okay with this, based on a previous discussion. Said she thought we agreed to split the savings account and then I use the money to move out.

Half of our savings account will not pay for one month's rent plus security plus other expenses, to say nothing of my monthly bills until D is final.

What I said is "finances" or "assets" need to be divided, not the savings account. I cannot finance my own living space otherwise without drawing from joint assets.

I sent her texts to discuss the financial/legal implications of moving out at this time. Her response:

"Things are getting stalled. We haven't worked on the financials, and you haven't brought up anything. If you have concerns, we need to talk about them. I am not trying to be a pain in the ***. I am trying to be respectful about the entire situation. But nothing is getting done. I feel like if I don't address something it goes by the wayside. I am feeling extremely frustrated."

She hasn't figured out, I guess, that I am not going to lead on this. Her financial statements are not getting completed either, and she has been at them quite a bit longer than I have.

If she wants to move forward, she needs to suggest a time to meet. Preferably with lawyers. Or get some stuff to my lawyer for discussion. She has done none of this.

Send her a text back:

“This divorce is your idea. It’s not my job to help you through it. Here’s my lawyer’s contact details xxxx.”