Second roller coaster ride (2)

[Ready2Change]

Controlling our thoughts is the hardest part.

Yes, Our brains are our worst enemy. Just know that most of what we think triggers our emotions. We relive events and react emotionally to this as if it was happening right now. Same with our imagination. Pay close attention to all the imagination that is going on and tell yourself that it is not real. Deal with things in the "Right now". And even then, postpone some of it to "feel it once". And even here, we have repressed emotions, so you should feel all of it during your safe place/time emotional release.


Look into a rage room experience. I plan on doing it. It looks like a great activity to experience. Feeling the pain and anger is healthy, just do it under your terms or it will come out at the wrong time or person etc.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Card, I read this article about a month ago from a clinical psychologist. Found it an interesting read. I certainly see signs in my H. Can certainly also say I’ve sort of experienced it throufh my PND many years ago ( although didn’t know about it).

Serotonin: From Bliss to Despair
By Dr Joe Carver

Serotonin, first isolated in 1933, is the neurotransmitter that has been identified in multiple psychiatric disorders including depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphic disorder (nose doesn’t look perfect after ten surgeries), social anxiety, phobias, etc. Serotonin is a major regulator and is involved in bodily processes such as sleep, libido (sexual interest), body temperature, and other areas.

Perhaps the best way to think of Serotonin is again with an automobile example. Most automobiles in the United States are made to cruise at 70 miles per hour, perfect for interstate highways and that summer vacation. If we place that same automobile on a racetrack and drive day-after-day at 130 mph, two things would happen. Parts would fail and we would run the engine so hot as to evaporate or burnout the oil. Serotonin is the brain’s “oil”.

Like a normal automobile on a race track, when we find ourselves living in a high stress situation for a prolonged period of time, we use more Serotonin than is normally replaced. Imagine a list of your pressures, responsibilities, difficulties and environmental issues (difficult job, bad marriage, poor housing, rough neighborhood, etc.). Prolonged exposure to such a high level of stress gradually lowers our Serotonin level. As we continue to “hang on” we develop symptoms of a severe stress-produced depression.

An automobile can be one, two or three quarts low in oil. Using the automobile as an example, imagine that brain Serotonin can have similar stages, being low (one quart low), moderately low (two quarts low), and severely low (three quarts low). The less Serotonin available in the brain, the more severe our depression and related symptoms.

When Serotonin is low, we experience problems with concentration and attention. We become scatterbrained and poorly organized. Routine responsibilities now seem overwhelming. It takes longer to do things because of poor planning. We lose our car keys and put odd things in the refrigerator. We call people and forget why we called or go to the grocery and forget what we needed. We tell people the same thing two or three times.

As stress continues and our Serotonin level continues to drop, we become more depressed. At this point, moderately low or “two quarts” low, major changes occur in those bodily functions regulated by Serotonin. When Serotonin is moderately low, we have the following symptoms and behaviors:

· Chronic fatigue. Despite sleeping extra hours and naps, we remain tired. There is a sense of being “worn out”

· Sleep disturbance, typically we can’t go to sleep at night as our mind/thought is racing. Patients describe this as “My mind won’t shut up!” Early-morning awakening is also common, typically at 4:00 am, at which point returning to sleep is difficult, again due to the racing thoughts.

· Appetite disturbance is present, usually in two types. We experience a loss of appetite and subsequent weight loss or a craving for sweets and carbohydrates when the brain is trying to make more Serotonin.

· Total loss of sexual interest is present. In fact, there is loss of interest in everything, including those activities and interests that have been enjoyed in the past.

· Social withdrawal is common – not answering the phone, rarely leaving the house/apartment, we stop calling friends and family, and we withdraw from social events.

· Emotional sadness and frequent crying spells are common.

· Self-esteem and self-confidence are low.

· Body sensations, due to Serotonin’s role as a body regulator, include hot flushes and temperature changes, headaches, and stomach distress.

· Loss of personality – a sense that our sense of humor has left and our personality has changed.

· We begin to take everything very personally. Comments, glances, and situations are viewed personally and negatively. If someone speaks to you, it irritates you. If they don’t speak, you become angry and feel ignored.

· Your family will have the sense that you have “faded away”. You talk less, smile less, and sit for hours without noticing anyone.

· Your behavior becomes odd. Family members may find you sitting in the dark in the kitchen at 4:00 am.

Individuals can live many years moderately depressed. They develop compensations for the sleep and other symptoms, using sleeping medication or alcohol to get some sleep. While chronically unhappy and pessimistic, they explain their situation with “It’s just my life!” They may not fully recognize the depressive component.

Very low levels of Serotonin typically bring people to the attention of their family physician, their employer, or other sources of help. Severe Serotonin loss produces symptoms that are difficult to ignore. Not only are severe symptoms present, but also the brain’s ideation/thinking becomes very uncomfortable and even torturing. When Serotonin is severely low, you will experience some if not all of the following:

· Thinking speed will increase. You will have difficulty controlling your own thoughts. The brain will focus on torturing memories and you’ll find it difficult to stop thinking about these uncomfortable memories or images.

· You’ll become emotionally numb! You wouldn’t know how you feel about your life, marriage, job, family, future, significant other, etc. It’s as though all feelings have been turned off. Asked by others how you feel – your response might be “I don’t know!”

· Outbursts will begin, typically two types. Crying outbursts will surface, suddenly crying without much warning. Behavioral outbursts will also surface. If you break the lead in a pencil, you throw the pencil across the room. Temper tantrums may surface. You may storm out of offices or public places.

· Escape fantasies will begin. The most common – Hit the Road! The brain will suggest packing up your personal effects and leaving the family and community.

· Memory torture will begin. Your brain, thinking at 100 miles an hour, will search your memories for your most traumatic or unpleasant experiences. You will suddenly become preoccupied with horrible experiences that may have happened ten, twenty, or even thirty years ago. You will relive the death of loved ones, divorce, childhood abuse – whatever the brain can find to torture you with – you’ll feel like it happened yesterday.

· You’ll have Evil Thoughts. New mothers may have thoughts about smothering their infants. Thoughts of harming or killing others may appear. You may be tortured by images/pictures in your memory. It’s as though the brain finds your most uncomfortable weak spot, then terrorizes you with it.

· With Serotonin a major bodily regulator, when Serotonin is this low your body becomes unregulated. You’ll experience changes in body temperature, aches/pains, muscle cramps, bowel/bladder problems, smothering sensations, etc. The “Evil Thoughts” then tell you those symptoms are due to a terminal disease. Depressed folks never have gas – it’s colon cancer. A bruise is leukemia.

· You’ll develop a Need-for-Change Panic. You’ll begin thinking a change in lifestyle (Midlife Crisis!), a divorce, an extramarital affair, a new job, or a Corvette will change your mood. About 70 percent of jobs are lost at this time as depressed individuals gradually fade away from their life. Most extramarital affairs occur at this time.

· As low Serotonin levels are related to obsessive-compulsive disorders, you may find yourself starting to count things, become preoccupied with germs/disease, excessively worry that appliances are turned off or doors locked, worry that televisions must be turned off on an even-numbered channel, etc. You may develop rituals involving safety and counting. One auto assembly plant worker began believing his work would curse automobiles if their serial number, when each number was added, didn’t equal an even number.

· Whatever normal personality traits, quirks, or attitudes you have, they will suddenly be increased three-fold. A perfectionist will suddenly become anxiously overwhelmed by the messiness of their environment or distraught over leaves that fall each minute to land on the lawn. Penny-pinchers will suddenly become preoccupied with the electric and water consumption in the home.

· A “trigger” event may produce bizarre behavior. Already moderately low in Serotonin, an animal bite or scratch may make you suddenly preoccupied with rabies. A media story about the harmful effects of radiation may make you remember a teenage tour of the local nuclear power plant – suddenly feeling all your symptoms are now the result of exposure to radiation.

· When you reach the bottom of “severely low” Serotonin, the “garbage truck” will arrive. Everyone with severely low Serotonin is told the same thing. You will be told 1) You’re a bad spouse, parent, child, employee, etc., 2) You are a burden to those who love or depend on you, 3) You are worsening the lives of those around you, 4) Those who care about you would be better if you weren’t there, 5) You would be better if you weren’t around, and 6) You and those around you would be better off if you were totally out of the picture. At that point, you develop suicidal thoughts.

Clinical Depression is perhaps the most common mental health problem encountered in practice. One in four adults will experience clinical depression within their lifetime. Depression is the “common cold” of mental health practice – very common and much easier to treat today than in the past.

Treatment for depression, as might be expected, involves increasing levels of Serotonin in the brain. Since the mid-eighties, medications have been available that attempt to specifically target and increase Serotonin. Known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI’s), these medications such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil are felt to work by making more Serotonin available in the brain.

Like all neurotransmitters, we can have too much Serotonin. While elevated levels of Serotonin produce a sense of well-being, bliss, and “oneness with the universe” – too much Serotonin can produce a life-threatening condition known as Serotonin Syndrome (SS).

Likely to occur by accident by combining two Serotonin-increasing medications or substances, Serotonin Syndrome (SS) produces violent trembling, profuse sweating, insomnia, nausea, teeth chattering, chilling, shivering, aggressiveness, over-confidence, agitation, and malignant hyperthermia. Emergency medical treatment is required, utilizing medications that neutralize or block the action of Serotonin as the treatment for Serotonin Syndrome (SS).

Like Dopamine, Serotonin can be accidentally increased or decreased by substances. One method of birth control is known to produce severe depression as it lowers Serotonin levels. A specific medication for acne has also been linked with depression and suicidal ideation. For this reason, always inform your physicians if you are taking any medication for depression. Also avoid combining antidepressants with any herbal substances reported to be of help in Depression such as St. John’s Wort.[u][/u]

[Terapin]

Now that EA is in my mind, I had my first night where I had trouble falling asleep. My problems have otherwise been in the middle of the night. Just as I felt myself starting to detach

In other news, I went to the first of 8 grief recovery classes. I’m hopeful that it will be a very good thing for me. We have a book and have to read the first three chapters

My new glasses should be ready soon. And the new cologne is giving me confidence when I put it on. A new smell has a big impact to me

Why do you think there's an EA? I mean, there probably is, but what makes you think that?

You've mentioned she can't afford an apartment, etc on her salary. Don't be surprised if she has a nest egg stashed away somewhere. I personally know married women that take '$20 cash back' every time they get groceries. Do that 4 or 5 times a month for a few years and it adds up.

Sounds like you're doing well though. Keep moving forward!

[Card29]

I dont think she’s planned much of any of this, except for maybe waiting for her raise. She probably doesnt even realize she will have a monthly car insurance payment in a couple of months. She has never made a budget in her life.

I have no evidence of an EA. It’s just the immediate exit and getting an apartment. Also hanging out with friends I’ve met like once after years of hanging out with all of our friends together. I’m trying not to dwell on it

She went to my best friend’s parents house last night to see them and him while he was in town. She told more lies about how she has had S1 1/2 the time (try 2 nights in 2 weeks). He said her social media feed is pictures if her and S1, but they were taken days/weeks ago. She’s lying to anyone that challenges her, which he did.

From what I’ve seen and heard from W, and what my friend told me, it seems like she just doesnt want to be a W or a full time mom. This was a woman that wanted 4 kids like 2 years ago. We have 1 healthy kid who is so so easy, and she cant handle it, I guess. I dont know if this is a phase/crisis as she deals with worsening MS? Maybe she wants to live every other week free of responsibilities so she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants while she’s still physically able to do so? I dont think it’s going to be the escape she thinks it will be since her root cause is not the stress, but how she naturally handles it.

I have no control and am trying to let go. Just left the gym and I feel good for the moment. I have wallowed while swiping my phone a lot this weekend. I need to avoid that, especially when I’m in a bad mood.

[Pattnee5]

The typical “re-writing history” I couldn’t believe the amount of lies coming out of my H mouth about our past. It serves their purpose now remember they are the victim 🙄. I’m sure my H is telling his family of all the wonderful dad stuff he is doing ( when in reality he sat on his butt for the whole Father’s Day and played video games after telling me he was taking them out for the day)
I know how hard it is for oneself to not let that bother you. It really cuts deep and burns. As long as you know your truth and your worth, don’t let that external noise of W bring you down or alter your path in your own healing. You are doing so well. One day at a time don’t even think ahead right now. The bad moods don’t last. They are moments in the day. Try to find something you can do to lift your mood when they come about. A walk, lying in the sunshine, a long bath, how about start running? Nothing better than something like a long term goal. Run a half marathon? Give yourself a daily purpose that breaks the moods. I found just even putting on loud music and dancing around the bedroom singing with D14 was so therapeutic. Ground yourself. Walk barefoot on the grass on the beach. Keep moving forward and ignore the noise

[Card29]

I hung out with my best friend and another at my house tonight. W told him so many lies last night. “It was everything I could do to get him to help with S1”. lmao she went to EU for 5 weeks, and I did the entire nighttime routine 95% of the time. I’m not going to say anything to her as it’s pointless, plus my friend asked me not to. I know she’s validating her decision and trying to paint herself in the best light possible. Still shocking to hear.

[Card29]

My friend regretted telling me what she said, but I told him that it was helpful. It is helping put in perspective just how big of a mess she is. I knew she was already, but for her to blatantly lie about me, I've never ever known her to do that. She is in full "body taken over by an alien" mode. At least this morning, it has helped me detach more than normal. Didn't wake up full of anxiety, etc.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Card

I’m glad to see the mornings getting easier.

Everyone needs a certain amount of understanding before they can/will drop the rope. Your best friend’s telling you of W’s lies was helpful in that regard.

Yes, one’s spouse does rewrite their history, and even current events. “It was everything I could do to get him to help with S1”, stands in stark contradiction to her vacationing for five weeks.

No one is the villain in their own story. W will blame you, and will find (or simply make up) justifications for her choices and actions. Now, some of those will have merit, and some will not. For that which does, do the inner work and make permanent changes for the better. The rest, let go.

I don't know if this is a phase/crisis as she deals with worsening MS? Maybe she wants to live every other week free of responsibilities so she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants while she’s still physically able to do so?

The root cause of her path is likely a hodgepodge of many emotions and conflicting thoughts. Give time and space. She needs plenty of both to explore “her” why of it all.

There is basically nothing one can do to speed that process up. Any intervention by you, will be at best neutral. More often than not such intervention will delay her progress, or at worse will completely stall her out.

Keep hitting the gym. Keep moving forward.

D

[Sunflyer]

I hung out with my best friend and another at my house tonight. W told him so many lies last night. “It was everything I could do to get him to help with S1”. lmao she went to EU for 5 weeks, and I did the entire nighttime routine 95% of the time. I’m not going to say anything to her as it’s pointless, plus my friend asked me not to. I know she’s validating her decision and trying to paint herself in the best light possible. Still shocking to hear.

My W pulled this same BS.

I have been a very hands-on father. With our first son, she openly praised my parenting to my mother.

Now her story is:

"I feel like a single parent."

"I do everything."

She conveniently forgot the hundreds of diapers I changed, the vomit I cleaned up, the many trips to the park and movies when she had to work (or just to give her a break), the fact that I was the one to keep tabs on the boys while she was out handling her two jobs, or the track meets she missed for the same reason.

She also likes to play armchair psychologist and has sold the narrative to her family that my "faults" as a parent are because I was never that close to my father.

She has no idea was growing up in my family was like, that my parents never spoke unless being openly hostile with each other, that my mother actually sued my father over providing insufficient child support, etc.

There is no comparison between the dynamic I have with my boys and the one that existed in the family I grew up in. None.

Yes, it will hurt to hear these things from her. But ultimately, all that will matter is the love you will earn from your son. And you will earn that.

[Ready2Change]

My W pulled this same BS.

I have been a very hands-on father.

Same here.

When I realized all of the lying was going on, I stopped talking in person and put Email as the primary mode of communication. I have every parenting discussion documented (as well as discussion/negotiation of our marital asset division) from that point forward.