Learning the ropes 2

[DnJ]

Hello MA

H is certainly spinning. Pictures, messages, so much desperation.

…so far Ive just ignored it but I know he's going to turn up at the house as soon as we're back.

Continue to ignore his behaviour while on vacation.

I want to maintain my current boundaries of no contact unless pre arranged.

…

Despite this, he has activated an old account & managed to get in touch.

I’d strengthen that boundary. Block this old account too.

I do not want to have friendly chat or give him false hope but equally I don't want to be cruel. So my dilemma is how I do this?

It’s not cruel to say no to H.

Suggest he can forward his messages to your email. You’ll read them periodically, say once a week, and respond if needed.

If he just shows up at the house after vacation, like you suspect he will, toss a few truth darts his way while (re)telling him why.

Remind him, only five short weeks ago he wanted a divorce. (See below)

8am this morning he turns up at the house. Son answered door & he left him outside while he got me. H came in said Son had told him I was happy & moving on. He doesn't want to mess me about and realises that he has been doing this. Cares deeply for me... always will... Thinks he should give me a clean break & divorce. I said if that's what you want then you need to sort it out. He said he wouldn't take anything, wants it to be amicable, wants us to be friends. I said I wouldn't sell the house till kids left home & he agreed.

In fairness, and I realize your retelling may not be verbatim, in the above H didn’t strictly ask for a divorce. He offered a divorce, a clean break.

Of course, five weeks pass, OW and he seemingly blow up. And now he feels different. Fine. Yet that’s only five weeks. (You can tell him that too by the way.)

If he pushes or really wants to prove he’s changed:

If he really wants back, walk the talk. Get his act together. No contact with OW. Period! Six contiguous months of no contact with OW. Six months of consistent demonstrated positive behaviour. And then perhaps, maybe, you and he can date. However, if he drops the ball, if he reaches out to OW, ever, at any time, the clock resets back to zero and the six months start again.

Set the bar high. If he is sincere, if he really means it and is determined, he will reach it. And exceed it.

Note, this is pressure. However, you are responding to H, not initiating it. A big difference.

Now, he may run from such an open dialog and hearing the requisite way back to you. If he does, well he wasn’t really ready to return. Still, even if he does run, its likely to plant a seed in him.

If he nurtures such a seed, he may heal and become whole. Maybe even become a better man. Someone you may even again find attractive. (Remember, indifference does unwind.) Though, he does have a pile of work to do.

In short, keep your boundaries, give a truth dart or two (or three of four if he pushes for them), and keep moving forward. You live and love your life. Let him run to catch up to you.

D