Second roller coaster ride (2)

[Card29]

Now that EA is in my mind, I had my first night where I had trouble falling asleep. My problems have otherwise been in the middle of the night. Just as I felt myself starting to detach

In other news, I went to the first of 8 grief recovery classes. I’m hopeful that it will be a very good thing for me. We have a book and have to read the first three chapters

My new glasses should be ready soon. And the new cologne is giving me confidence when I put it on. A new smell has a big impact to me

[Pattnee5]

Awesome on the grief counselling hopefully you find some positives in it. Remember even in your turmoil there is still positives you just need to be receptive to it and open to it.

As far as any EA or PA there’s nothing you can do about it if it’s happening/happened. This is where you need to find the inner strength to detach properly. I don’t know how mine happened specifically it just did. I can’t change any 3rd party if there is one ( I still don’t know and I see saw between thinking there is and isn’t). Don’t let W drag you down. Even if there is another man you can’t do anything to change it. It could keep you awake for many more nights and what will you achieve? Just wasted energy.

Awesome about the glasses and cologne, how about a new wardrobe and hitting the gym. Find new hobbies, reinvent Card. Find yourself again. Find yourself away from W. You’re young. Very young. Your life isn’t over. You likely aren’t even half way at only 38 you have a long amazing adventure left. Yes sure you’re a dad, so what? Many women find that sexy. Many women are also divorcees and ready for their next phase of life. You can still have fun and love your life. Don’t ever feel guilty for enjoying your life during this turmoil

[Card29]

I know this probably makes you feel better… but seeking out validation from her family is not a good idea. If that becomes your source of grounding and support and validation, if it eventually disappears, you’ll feel all alone.

And be careful. He might be saying the right things atm because he’s in shock and perhaps he thinks he can change her trajectory… but once he figures out he can’t, then your support will disappear pretty quickly. Blood is ALWAYS thicker than water in the end.

Thank you. I do know that will be true. It was nice to hear it once or twice, but I know how this goes. Same thing with my XW. "Omg she's lost her mind!" In the end they have absolutely no control over the situation whether she's talking to them or not. If anything they could make it worse. And eventually they will reach that conclusion. I am not making them my pillar of support and don't plan on regular calls. That's where I'm leaning on friends and family.

After my grief recovery session (Week 1 of 8), I had dinner with a couple of friends I have not hung out with since this went down. They were very supportive. Just before dinner is when it hit me that this is likely an EA, so I couldn't help but the conversation going there.

[Pattnee5]

We all go there, speculate, think, dwell. I am an absolute master in it. Gosh the hours of torment I would dwell on H having someone else, imagine him with someone else especially when he went OS last month and completely ghosted us for 12 days. I was imaging all sorts of scenarios then I realised how much damage I was doing to myself again. How much suffering.
Even if there is someone else we can’t change it right now. We can only change ourselves and let them wallow in their mess

[Card29]

Today is easily the worst anxiety so far this week.

[DnJ]

Hello Card

That’s a good sign. I know, it’s probably hard to believe.

Grief has five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The first stage is always denial, as one sets aside or denies that which is simply too difficult for the moment. In these situations there is lots of hurt and pain, and one cannot handle everything all at once, so our mind ignores some things until we gain enough emotional bandwidth.

The last stage is of course acceptance, and the middle three need not happen in a linear fashion, and usually don’t. One is in many different stages in their multi-faceted situation / loss. Different events are at different points along our path towards acceptance. In fact, items of one’s situation gain acceptance one by one. Hence, we slowly climb out of our slump one item at a time. (A ways off for you at the moment, just showing you the map is all.)

Your considering of a EA or PA is something you could not do a few days ago. True, it brings about more anxiety and such, yet realize you are better equipped to see and face such things. So, a good positive movement on your part.

And remember, acceptance is emotional understanding. Not intellectually understanding. Intellectually you can realize something yet be emotionally in denial. Grief is an interesting journey.

Hang in there.

D

[Card29]

I know I’m headed in the right direction. Thank you, DnJ

[Ready2Change]

I know I’m headed in the right direction. Thank you, DnJ

Everything you need to do is counter intuitive. You get her back by not trying to get her back. Set her free. You do not want to get put in the friend zone. That is most guys number one issue. She is your lover, or nothing. Your behavior is what will get you what you want. You do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with you. You do not share your woman with other men. You respect her decisions even if you disagree with them.

[Card29]

I’m not talking to her about anything but business now

I am really struggling with thoughts of an EA. Everything about it is just so heartless and terrible. I had a great night last night watching football with friends, but otherwise I cannot get it off of my mind

[Pattnee5]

Controlling our thoughts is the hardest part. Try and keep visualising the red stop sign each time your mind wanders to the “what ifs”
It’s wasted energy right now. You can’t stop it if it’s happening. Confronting her will only make her angrier and pull away more ( whether it’s true or not). Sometimes the less we know the better. It’s on her conscience if it’s happening.Just try and refocus your thoughts elsewhere. It’s heartbreaking I know, I was there a few months ago.