Oh, I sure know how you feel about him getting drunk with a coworker and not coming home till morning. My W did that a time or 2. I don't think I ever posted about that specifically because it was in the early days before I found this site. She had me absolutely crazy with anxiety. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. And the finances on top of that. It is all really too much. I think about how I am now vs how I was before. I realize that I am so much more patient with things now. When your feet are held to the fire, then don't get burned on the hot pavement anymore. The silver lining is that we learn, we grow, we get stronger, we get better. All while our MLCers are twisting in the wind acting happy while feeling worse than I would ever want to feel. I know how it feels to inflict pain on people I love. I've never done it on purpose, but it feels terrible. I can't imagine what it feels like to rip the lives apart of the people I care for the most. I can still look in the mirror. I can still sleep at night (or can sleep at night again I should say). I did not want to be on this journey, but I am glad at very least to be on this side of it instead of the other. I like who I am becoming. I kind of wonder if our MLCers will ever be able to truly love themselves again.
Keep your head up. You are the prize, you are worth it. There may come a time for you and H to come back around, but it isn't now and there isn't anything you can do to speed it along. Just focus on being the person that anyone would be a fool to leave. You already are, but become more of that!
