Hi all, small update from my side. After ultimatum, my wife decided to dump OM and go back to the marriage + she said she is going to put an effort into it. She deleted all the content (texts, his phone number, pics, etc), from the cell phone and swore she is not in touch with him anymore. She even sent him a sms in front of me, that she does not want to be in touch with him anymore under any circumstances. She said I can check her cell phone any time/day/hour if I want and she has no problem with that. Well it turned out that OM is really a jerk. I do not know if my W came back because she had no perspective with him nor money or because of kids but the reality is she decided to be in a marriage but she asked for some time for her to emotionally "switch back" and also that I should not push on her. For her it is like we are just started dating again. She also wants to work on re-building trust. We had a discussion about the reasons or in other words what led her to fall for OM. What she was missing in our M etc..It is not an excuse for her cheating, she knows that but we must identify was she was lacking so we can work on that and never ever experience the same situation. I told her that if she is going to cheat again I will divorce her. I am ready to forgive her but it is impossible to forget. I must learn to live with this scar. At the moment I am still doing GAL (and will carry on) and once she is emotionally ready we can move forward.
I recall a poster had their spouse swear things were over with their AP, and all they had really done was get a second phone and take the affair deeper underground. To be clear, I’m not saying or suggesting that is the case here. Just ensure you more base upon her actions more than her words. Rebuilding trust will take time and consistent demonstrated behaviour.
Do go slow, and keep moving forward. I’m glad to see you are not entertaining sweeping this under the rug. Open healthy dialog is really the best way. Dig for patience, answers you are likely wanting, she many not even yet know.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
We had a discussion about the reasons or in other words what led her to fall for OM. What she was missing in our M etc..It is not an excuse for her cheating, she knows that but we must identify was she was lacking so we can work on that and never ever experience the same situation.
True, you and her need to identify the source(s) of marital strife and work on them. However, W needs to figure out why she cheated, and fix that. That is not a “we” fix thing, that’s a “her” fix thing. Don’t get too lost in the role of fixing her, you can’t, because you didn’t break her.
You are going to need to somewhat lead, be supportive, yet not actually fix things for her. Takes a bit of finesse. By all means get your side of the street in order though. Learning to forgive and live with the scars for example.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi DnJ, yes you are right. She can take it deeper underground if she want, that's why what she says are just empty words if she is not going to stick to them and act accordingly. I have told it to her already. I am not going to fix things for her, but what I meant was to work on things that I was responsible for as a man and husband and where I obviously failed so it turned her off. But why she decided to cheat instead of talking/working on the issues is different stuff. I am not going to rush things, I give it time and patience and we will see. Still working on myself to be a better version of me. Long road ahead of me/us. Thank you and the guys for your advice and kind uplifting words. DB/DR and Healing from infidelity books just arrived so I can go through them finally. I will post here any news or significant update (do not want to spam this thread though). Thanks and have a great day too.
After ultimatum, my wife decided to dump OM and go back to the marriage + she said she is going to put an effort into it. She deleted all the content (texts, his phone number, pics, etc), from the cell phone and swore she is not in touch with him anymore. She even sent him a sms in front of me, that she does not want to be in touch with him anymore under any circumstances. She said I can check her cell phone any time/day/hour if I want and she has no problem with that.
Strong moves work, weak moves do not and this is why we rarely see turnarounds on this forum.
Hopefully you have done enough personal growth. Hopefully you will double down on your own improvements.
I never made it to piecing, but I understand M/F relationships so much more now.
Do you understand your SMV? How much more attractive are you now than at BD? Does she desire you? Can you see it in her eyes? Is she willing to bend over backwards for you?
Take it slow. Be hyper observant. Stay on your purpose.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’d commit six months to continuing my own personal developments and improvements (the ones she has noticed). You need to keep doing that and get much better at it. Seek regular, personal counselling.
The second reason is not to open your heart up again until she’s proven for six months that she’s going to do the hard work to correct her mistakes and prove she’s committed to the marriage. If you open your heart up again, you could potentially get crushed all over again.
Six months for you to solidify your changes. And six months for her to prove she’s really committing to the marriage. At this early point, I’d be very cautious - it’s quite possible that OM has just proved himself to be an idiot, and now she doesn’t want him, she’s coming back to plan A for some safety.
If you open your heart and let her straight in, she will instantly feel safe and secure - and will be on the prowl for OM#2.
Once you both succeed at the first six months, then after that is the time to start talking about couples counselling.
