But there’s a bigger issue here. And that is that you are micro-managing decisions, interactions and attempting to manipulate or control things.
I did it too, so this is in no way a criticism.
You need to understand that one of the fatal things during a divorce is someone who holds on too tight. Your lack of sleep also suggests that you’re struggling with this a lot. It’s what happens when someone who manages things and is generally in charge of their own life suddenly finds themselves not in control. It manifests as posting super frequently, asking questions about every single interaction and desperately trying to solve/fix/repair/diagnose/correct/change things.
Just breathe Card.
You need a time-out.
Here’s my bits of advice:
- You need to seek out some individual counselling. They will help you with anxiety, hyper-awareness, sleep issues. It’s not a sign of weakness, but you really would benefit from a bit of a reset. Simple things, like getting stuff off your chest, mindfulness, meditation, journaling, exercise, sleep - they’re all things that a therapist can help you with. Sometimes it’s available for free - in Australia you can get six free sessions through government health with a psychologist. Lots of employers have employee assistance programs (EAP) where you can get access to some counselling.
- A marriage doesn’t fail overnight. And it never fails because of one person only. It’s like a car you haven’t had serviced for ten years, and now it’s broken down on the side of the road. You can’t just check the dipstick and realize it has no oil, top it up and drive away. Things that take a long time to be broken take a long time to be fixed. You can’t speed it up. And a lot of the time, you’re at the complete mercy of the other person. You need to imagine you’re an autumn leaf in a tornado. You’re going to get tossed about - you can either try to control everything, or you can just let it all go and go with the flow.
- What would be the point of taking your ring off? I guarantee you you’ve asked this question (even subconsciously driven) because you’re wondering if taking it off might wake her up. Or she might yell at you for taking it off, but then at least you’ll have got some validation that deep down she has some feelings for you.
- and R2C is right. Leave it on. It’s YOUR ring. If you want to stay married, keep wearing it. If in 6-12 months you decide you don’t like or want to be with this person any more, then you take it off when you don’t want it any more. It’s really important to make decisions for YOU and what you want, with no regard for what she might want, how she reacts or what other people might think. This is your life, your decisions, your commitment.
- Same goes for her. If she takes hers off or leaves it on, give it no thought. It’s her ring, it’s her finger, she can do whatever she wants.
- Other questions we see frequently along this line to demonstrate my point: a) “Should I move into spare bedroom because she wants space?” - No. You don’t want to move, so you don’t move. If she wants to move, she can. b) “Should I offer to drop the kids to her for a visit?” No. If she wants them, she can ask. c) “Should I tell my family we’re separated?” If you want them to know and want their support - yes. If you don’t want them to know, then no. If you’re telling them in the hope it pressures your spouse - absolutely not.
I hope this was helpful. You need to drop the rope, get some counselling, get on top of your sleep, stop worrying about every little thing. The world’s going to keep on spinning whether you take your ring off or leave it on. Taking it off or leaving it on is also going to have zero bearing on where her you reconcile or divorce. TBH she probably doesn’t care less right now.
You do you, for you. Let her do her.
How’s the attraction stuff going? Have you bought new clothes, lost 5kg, had a haircut and wearing a new aftershave every day? That’s way more important than the ring thing. Try some go-karting, go out with some guys, join a club, go mountain biking. Do some cooking classes, take a flying lesson. A guy who mopes at home and takes his ring off? Or the fit guy who rides his motorbike with a new leather jacket and comes home late at night.
Which one is she going to choose?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
