I had my first IC session. Mostly me talking about the whole situation. I said I was trying to detach, etc.
1. Counselor said W sounds like she could have postpartum depression. Symptoms are very similar (emotional disconnection, feeling like you “can’t do this”/“it’s too much”, needing to escape). She said she’d talk to her counselor (we’re at the same practice, for now) and make sure that IC is aware of the possibility. I’m not going to bring it up to W directly and will try not to focus on it. 2. IC mentioned the ManKind Project. A global men’s group that encourages/forces men to be emotionally vulnerable with each other. It’s a multi week commitment, starting with a retreat. There are multiple active chapters in my city. I’m awaiting info from her. 3. She said I have permission to take time for myself everyday. If I’m off work and daycare is open for another hour, use some of that time for myself. 4. Asked me to find at least 20 minutes per day doing something that is for me and requires concentration. Lawn work, house project, etc. The brain can only multitask about so much. Get enough focus on the task and the anxiety can drop off due to lack of concentration on it. 5. Talked about fight-or-flight response, as DnJ described here
While writing this, W texted. She wants to keep S1 Thursday night. I confirmed who she is staying with. She also said she’s waiting to hear back about an apartment.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Had a phone call with W as the text exchange was starting to get complicated. I confirmed who she was staying with since she will have S1. She then asked:
W: "So what is the next step?" (She's said on 2 different occasions that she wants this to be over and painless. Basically wants a quick, easy D like that will solve all of the problems.) M: "That's up to you. You know where I stand, right?" W: "Yes." M: "Do you want to talk some time? It's up to you. I don't want to talk at you, just to listen." W: (I forget exactly what she said, but she kinda said yes, kinda said "let me think about it". I didn't push it further).
The "want to talk" question felt pursuing, but it also felt like follow-up from our counseling last week. She's moving at 1,000 mph. I feel like a leaf in a hurricane right now, not a breeze.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
She thinks she knows you. Prove her wrong. She has set you free. Reinvent yourself.
Accentuate your male traits. Add masculine traits and drop the feminine. Make grooming a ritual. Example: Woman can't grow facial hair, so figure out a new style you want to try. If you are typically clean shaven, don't shave all week, then Friday and Sat, trim up a nice goat. Change up the way you smell. Leave the old aftershave alone and get at least three new ones.
Any questions from here get a simple response.
W:"Whats with the new blablabla" H:"I liked it, so I bought it"
or "I like the way it smelled"
Go clothes shopping Thursday afternoons. Buy 1 or two new stylish outfits. Age appropriate. Definitely get one or two good pair of shoes right away.
Get a couple fashion watches. There are some good inexpensive options out there.
Embrace this opportunity.
I plan on shopping soon, probably today. I need a way to shake up my look, though. I'm bald and already shaved. Not a lot of options on top. I already have a beard. Might have to switch up the beard. Not sure what other options exist haha. I know W does not like me clean shaved. I accidentally trimmed it super close once and she hated it haha. I'm also starting lifting. Need some tone. I ordered 2 new pairs of glasses last week, updating after 7-8 years. One has clear frames on the front, very different from what I've worn.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
If you are like most of us, you have restricted your interactions with women. Set goals to interact more. Can you make random women you interact with laugh, or smile, or whatever?
I had a brief convo with a woman at the concert. Got her to laugh, it felt good.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
You are predictable. Do things that are not predictable. Do not be boring. Do things that are exciting. Especially right now during this phase of the process.
I'm sure I am. I need to push some boundaries but don't know what yet. I've hardly had a moment to myself. I'll start writing down ideas. Travel somewhere exotic? Dye the beard? Trade in my car and get a truck? No idea is too crazy for the list, even if I'm not going to do it
Last edited by Card29; 08/28/2306:07 PM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I grabbed a new cologne I liked and wore it this afternoon
I was in a spiral this afternoon so I called my best friend. Knew he was on the road driving back into town. He talked me off the ledge and the rest of the afternoon has been better. Also had a good chat with my sister. Enjoyed some time with S1. The roller coaster continues
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
W: "So what is the next step?" (She's said on 2 different occasions that she wants this to be over and painless. Basically wants a quick, easy D like that will solve all of the problems.) M: "That's up to you. You know where I stand, right?"
Do you see how leaving out the second half is better?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I grabbed a new cologne I liked and wore it this afternoon
Perfect!
Originally Posted by Card29
I was in a spiral this afternoon so I called my best friend. Knew he was on the road driving back into town. He talked me off the ledge and the rest of the afternoon has been better. Also had a good chat with my sister. Enjoyed some time with S1. The roller coaster continues
Good job getting support.
Finding a safe time/place to express some emotions privately is also very important. That way you can project to W and S1 that you are controlling your emotions and handling everything.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Counselling ✅ New cologne ✅ Sought out external support to manage emotions ✅
Great job, Card. You’ve just started a very long journey… but you’re definitely taking steps in the right direction.
When I get a bit more time, I’ll share some things I learnt about how to manage those overwhelming times where grief and sadness strike you down. For now, all I’ll do is remind you they are temporary. When you’re in the middle of it, remember: “This happened to me last week, and I got past it. Probably the same thing will happen this time.”
Again, well done. At this rate, you might be the next MA!
