I’m back :(

[Pattnee5]

Hi Card
You know early on someone told me “fake it to make it” and I remember just thinking to myself I just have to fake smile and fake be happy and hopefully it will come. At the time I felt rubbish too. Gosh some of the birthdays and functions I went to I struggled to fight back tears. But then at my friends bday I remember thinking “ nope I am not going to let H and issues ruin my night”. Because as you know your mind is fixated on the situation you’re clouded in misery because it’s all you’re thinking and wishing they were there with you beside you as a spouse. Anyway at that bday I ended up having such a fun night laughing and dancing. And I didn’t feel guilty for it. I didn’t let H ruin it for me from afar.
So as hard as these functions and GAL activities are in the beginning, keep pushing through. I remember feeling like I was being dragged to them unwillingly, wishing they would end, horrible company, not finding anything fun about them at all. But it’s only because I realised I was letting H and his issues fill my mind and absolutely ruin it for me. And he was ruining his own life sitting in his miserable hole going nowhere seeing nobody, and I was trying to go out and he was still indirectly ruining it for me by me dwelling on him on his issues on what was going on. That’s when I realised he can ruin his own life but I am not going down with him

[Card29]

Thank you for the push, Pattnee. I know it will get better, although l’ll admit here that I’m “faking to making” that statement. It does not feel like it’s going to get better. I’m at that spot. Yesterday was maybe the worst day so far. 1 week is just the beginning. I remember this hopelessness from the first time. It just feels worse this time because of the situation. An ill R with my mom, which played a negative role in our marriage. A 2nd kid, and this time, W is not in the house to share duties. She left the day of BD. I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders, and honestly I was struggling before BD, especially at work. So it’s like the problems I had before BD, multiplied by 10, and mixed with the pain of D#1 with new issues on top. Counseling tomorrow cant get here fast enough.

I’m trying to go with the flow. To experience the feelings and not try to control them. To focus on what I want to be bigger in my life right now, which is not WAW. I’m miserable anytime I think of her. Being in the house is a minefield of triggers to think about her. Happy family pictures are everywhere, all of her stuff is here, etc.

It’s still very early, but I do feel confident that moving is going to be a necessity, and it’s not just about this pain. I was talking to a realtor 3 weeks ago, and it has a lot to do with my mom. We/I are far too close. I have some projects to finish with the house before I can sell or rent it out. I’ve already sent an inquiry to a friend and handyman to help build a deck. It needs to be done regardless, so I will push forward to make a potential move easier in the future. Will also start selling/donating stuff I don’t need.

[Card29]

Day 3 of insight timer. Thanks for the recommendation, Pattnee. Free trial ends in 4 days, then it’s a one year buy. Will be thinking about it

Anxiety is a little lower this morning. I went to bed much earlier than I normally do, closer to 9:30. It was easy (or easier) to get up and get the kids moving.

W has of course popped in and out of my head. My thoughts about the whole situation is it probably is rooted in stress and how she deals with it. She handles it just like her mom. All bottled up, trying to work/clean/organize/plan/shop/cook her way out of it. The more stressed she was, the more frantically she ran around the house, only stopping when she had to crash for the night. When it got too much, she would break. Crying, having trouble getting words out. That was how the last year went. As our counselor said, she was trapped in a pressure cooker (partially of her own making). It’s no wonder she stepped away.

She had this tendency before, but it hadnt reached those levels. Remembering when she would be relaxed on the couch, knitting and enjoying a movie seems like forever ago, but it was just back in 2020-21. Just journaling these thoughts as I cant control or help her.

Here’s to a better week. My best friend is in town tonight. We plan to go to the gym together a couple times this week and otherwise hang out a few times.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Card
You don’t need to buy it.it’s free via the app. You only need the “plus” subscription version if you want the premium content and full meditation courses or want to be able to fast forward through
I find more than enough in the free version. No need to run off and sign up. There’s so many good “sleep” ones. I can barely get through them. Sarah Blonden is great. Some mornings if I was a bit riled up I would put on a 10 minute meditation ( not a sleep one) and do it before work ( or even in the drive) I would find a lot of it help just re-centre me and my emotions
My H was the same, the rushing around huffing and puffing and over functioning and stressing like a pressure cooker running around doing everything to avoid their issues. Just this weekend I was unwell and on the couch on Sunday and he came by to help S with something but before he left he ran around like a headless chook doing such unnecessary jobs like vacuuming the car and other household chores that weren’t even urgent. In the past I would have said something I didn’t I could see he was sort of worked up and running around a bit erratic busying himself. Eventually he decided to take himself off to the gym.Same thing today when I briefly crossed paths he seemed a bit erratic and agitated and rushing around doing stuff. Almost like he has a checklist. Anyway I don’t think there’s much we can do. I guess it’s them keeping busy to avoid thinking or emotions. I just thought “yay I didn’t have to do that job then”. I don’t think anyone can explain it to us. The pressure cooker is good. All these thoughts and emotions just completely bubbling away and making them act a bit erratic.my H seems to stem alot from his work stress. Our whole situation I think really was because of work stress. But I can’t help him sort his work life out. He needs to figure that out on his own. Same with your W whatever is the root of her stress she needs to figure it out alone. If we try and fix it for them they won’t fix it properly it would be a half attempt and we will be right back here again. I’m guessing your W would have alot to do with her medical issues and any possible depression. May I ask I can’t remember but was she diagnosed with MS before S was born or after? Is she bonding ok with him? Just wondering if she’s blaming him in any way for her down feelings. Depression makes you do some wierd stuff and blame some strange things for it

Anyway enjoy the gym and your mate. Sounds like the next few days will be great.

[Card29]

Hi Pattnee

I thought the app was saying I needed to sign up to use it. I may have been wrong, or maybe it's a different model in the US. I went ahead and canceled so I don't get charged this weekend. We'll see how it acts then. I do think they have helped ease some anxiety in the morning. And that's my #1 issue - anxiety and dread in the morning. It also comes around throughout the day, especially on Saturday. I think it was worse this weekend because of being in the house alone with the kids. Seeing the wedding/pregnancy pictures around, and lots of other emotions. So I need to keep making plans so I don't sit at home all weekend. I had a busy Saturday, but yesterday I didn't go anywhere.

W was diagnosed with MS 7 years ago. After processing the initial news, she found lots of great resources. An excellent, caring neuro team. A couple of organizations for people with MS. One of them puts on events, especially cycling events, around the country. They bought her $2,000+ of gear, and she/we trained for 50-100 mile bike rides. She raised tens of thousands of dollars. She was attacking MS. She was excited for promising new drugs. But she has cycled through most of the available drugs without the effectiveness she had hoped. She's on her last real hopeful medication. She doesn't post her "MS fighter" social media content like she used to. She never rides her bike. I will say, she is training for an MS backpacking event in October, so she hasn't just given up. But her outlook on her situation has been much gloomier the last 1-2 years. There's no doubt that MS has been a root issue.

I don't get the impression she blames S1, but who knows. She has withdrawn from some motherly duties over the last year. She still did a ton for him, but it was more of the tasks that needed to be done (cooking, laundry, cleaning) rather than the parenting (reading books, bathing, playing). I can go back to when she told me in July that she "didn't feel any emotional connection to anyone". That statement may have been overblown or dramatic in the moment, but she has been withdrawing from us for a while. She was an excellent stop mom and has essentially not had an R with D11 in over a year. Since last August, she has hardly talked to her, never planned anything with her. And obviously that's completely stopped now.

I'll stop there before I really take myself down the rabbit hole. Going to get back to work. Thank you for your thoughts, I'll check in again later.

[Ready2Change]

I was just down most of the time.

This is a good place to focus your changes. Our brains are our worst enemies. Staying in the present is a learned skill. Fear and worry etc live in the past and the future.

[Ready2Change]

Have you bought new clothes, lost 5kg, had a haircut and wearing a new aftershave every day? That’s way more important than the ring thing. Try some go-karting, go out with some guys, join a club, go mountain biking. Do some cooking classes, take a flying lesson. A guy who mopes at home and takes his ring off? Or the fit guy who rides his motorbike with a new leather jacket and comes home late at night.

She thinks she knows you. Prove her wrong. She has set you free. Reinvent yourself.


Accentuate your male traits. Add masculine traits and drop the feminine. Make grooming a ritual. Example: Woman can't grow facial hair, so figure out a new style you want to try. If you are typically clean shaven, don't shave all week, then Friday and Sat, trim up a nice goat. Change up the way you smell. Leave the old aftershave alone and get at least three new ones.

Any questions from here get a simple response.

W:"Whats with the new blablabla"
H:"I liked it, so I bought it"

or "I like the way it smelled"

Go clothes shopping Thursday afternoons. Buy 1 or two new stylish outfits. Age appropriate. Definitely get one or two good pair of shoes right away.

Get a couple fashion watches. There are some good inexpensive options out there.

Embrace this opportunity.

If you are like most of us, you have restricted your interactions with women. Set goals to interact more. Can you make random women you interact with laugh, or smile, or whatever?


You are predictable. Do things that are not predictable. Do not be boring. Do things that are exciting. Especially right now during this phase of the process.

[Card29]

Link to new thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2946948&#Post2946948