Learning the ropes 2

[DnJ]

Hello MA

Oh my goodness. I bet that was scary for D16 for her Dad to manhandle her. It’s heartbreaking that both her hope for Dad and fear for Dad both got simultaneously crushed the moment she saw him at OW’s place.

I know you will, yet still some encouragement, do talk with D16. None of this is her fault. Dad’s reaction is not her fault. His lying, his getting caught, all on him! Let daughter come to you. Be open and honest. I’m sure she will have some things to say. Remember not to demonize H/Dad. And gently steer, very gently.

D doesn't want to see him.

Honour her wishes.

I’ve been on the other side of that. Talked into, forced, my son to go for Christmas to visit Mom when he really didn’t want to. The visit went poorly, with Mom treating her kids like not even her own. When son came home he was furious! And rightly so. And he blasted me! Lesson learned.

Our job is not to facilitate the relationship between the left/leaving parent and child, our job is to not destroy it.

Another thing. You may get more than your share of lashing out, and rebelling from daughter. All her anger and frustration towards Dad will likely get “unfairly” focused towards you. You see, daughter cannot yet risk losing her Dad, yet she need to express her feelings, and you are the strong, stable, and safe parent. I’ve been there too. Four times!

In time, kids do find their way, and grieve the “loss” of their parent. D16’s Dad is not who lives in her mind and heart. My advice that I share here is so very important to our kids’ as well:

Keep your heart soft and squishy. In these situations, one tends to protect their heart, as it hurts so very much. We tend to harden it against the pain and sorrow. Instead, feel. Allow those emotions. Let them wash over you. And let love flow and keep your heart warm and squishy.

…a private message from OW saying she thinks he's been lying to her & has he tried to reconcile with me.

Yep. Lying and deceit makes a terrible foundation for a relationship. Like sand, anything built upon it requires more and more maintenance and repair to keep it from crumbling away.

I felt really upset after & have been trying to work out why it's affected me so much? I think it's maybe because he has directly hurt D and continues to prioritize OW over D.

It’s unfortunately pretty common for them to put children second and usually lower on their priority list. My XW placed OW first. OW’s son, she treated like her own. She acted like his Mom. Her running behaviours, her garden, her plants, her distractions were also more important than her four children. Remember, they are consumed and they run.

I'm also possibly a bit upset that I lost it & shouted.

That’s ok. Perfectly understandable.

…it does feel like there's been a change in his presentation.

Oh, I suspect H is going to be quite desperate trying to get the pieces of his life/lie back together. And desperate people do desperate things. Ensure your boundaries are rock solid.

Any thoughts on how I could have handled it differently (apart from the obvious of not going to OW's in the first place!)

You did very well over the past two weeks. H has begged, even offered that he’d dump OW if you’d take him back. You saw the folly in all this, and told him so. Said no, and that he needs to talk to his therapist.

Meanwhile H is lying and who knows what he is telling OW.

H tracks down D and basically uses her celebratory lunch as an opportunity to try to talk to you. He even tries to make plans for when you and D return from vacation. You wisely deferred any arrangements. Well done.

The events of today are unfortunate and somewhat unpredictable. Daughter was worried and you and her went to ensure Dad had not hurt himself, or some such.

Hindsight is of course 20/20. Before embarking on such an adventure you and D16 should have discussed what if we do find Dad’s car at OW’s house. Again, hard to see in the moment. However, next time things like this pop up, you’ll be better prepared. Being forewarned is to be forearmed.

Something you could/should talk about:

[H] has apparently been telling D he is severely depressed, has messed his life up & wants me back.

It’s pretty common for these folks to utilize kids as a conduit. They slyly glean information or like this time pass on their message to us through our kids. Speak with daughter, she shouldn’t be in the middle of Dad’s storm. She can tell him no. “Dad, please no more talk about such things, it’s between you and Mom, I just want to see you.” And if Dad won’t, she can implement boundaries too.

(((Hugs)))

D