Learning the ropes 2

[MA1970]

It's been a very tough couple of days. Never seen H properly monster before but I certainly have now! Not sure that I handled it all in the best way so I'm keen to get any feedback on things I might have done differently. Quick reminder, H appeared 2 weeks ago saying made a mistake, doesn't want divorce, loves me etc. I sent him on his way & told him to speak to his therapist. Since then, he's messaged me lots (I don't reply) & messaged daughter lots with memories & soppy comments. It was D's exam results day on Thursday (she did brilliantly inspite of past traumatic 8 months). Basically, he tracked us down via a social media app map on D's phone & turned up as we were leaving celebratory lunch. He said he'd wanted to see D but just gave her a quick well done & turned to me saying can we talk? I'm going on a family holiday early hours tomorrow & he has done this every time I've been away. I said no, I don't want to talk to you before my holidays. He said could we arrange a time when I came back & I said I was unsure & would think about it on my return. Prior to this, he has apparently been telling D he is severely depressed, has messed his life up & wants me back.

Yesterday D messaged him several times during the day via different apps & at different times. She got no reply & started to panic that he had hurt himself or worse. She asked if we could go to where he parks his car to see if he was there. He wasn't! I thought straight away this is the same pattern as when he goes back to OW & told her so. She didn't think this would happen, thought he was genuine this time & was really worried & crying. I agreed to drive to OW house & see if his car was there. It was! D was furious and opened the door and ran to OW house. She knocked on the door and her dad answered. He swore at her & then manhandled her quite aggressively away from his OW. D was crying, said he was hurting her & was shouting at OW saying her dad wanted to come back to me. I was parking up when all this happened. I rushed to get her away from him & did say a few choice words. It's the first time I have lost my temper but I had to pry his hands off her & he left red marks from where he had been holding her. I told him not to come back to the house next time his relationship broke down and I left.

I did send him a message in the night to clarify why we had gone there (out of D's concern) & to ask him not to do that in the future & to stay away. In the morning, I had several missed calls from him & a private message from OW saying she thinks he's been lying to her & has he tried to reconcile with me. I didn't answer OW immediately. He then arrived at the house, shouting & trying to force his way in. He wanted to know what OW had asked me & what I said. There was no concern for D and what he had done. He was chaotic and all over the place. D doesn't want to see him. I did reply to OW stating he had tried to reconcile but that I wasn't interested & please could she not message me again.

I felt really upset after & have been trying to work out why it's affected me so much? I think it's maybe because he has directly hurt D and continues to prioritise OW over D. I'm also possibly a bit upset that I lost it & shouted. It's the first time I've done this. It also felt very final. I'm feeling a little better now although it does feel like there's been a change in his presentation. Any thoughts on how I could have handled it differently (apart from the obvious of not going to OW's in the first place!)