Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Kind- I am SO glad to see the back end of that north face jacket 🤪good riddance to bad rubbish


Thanks DnJ for that perspective I certainly will be trying everything I can to avoid my own crisis if and when it comes.

Kind, I completely agree with you regarding reasons to get fit-while I did laugh at the trainers comment, for me it’s more about feeling good at the moment and burning off steam.Its really a nice positive constant thing in my daily life which I look forward to for me.I am not in any frame of mind or headspace to be thinking about other men or rebounds when I’m still in love with my H. I’m certainly in no place for that sort of thing anytime soon and don’t think that’s going to fix my wounded heart that’s for sure.

Unfortunately I ended up having to lay low this weekend after being sick and bedridden. Such a shame as I had to cancel a lot of plans. I had a very brief encounter crossing paths with H sister who was in town for work and needed to drop stuff off and I was the only one home. I wasn’t sure how that was going to go considering none of them had reached out since BD. She did ask me how I was going in my heart and if I needed to talk. I was a bit taken aback by that and unexpected. I was honest, said it had been a very rough 8 months and I wanted to make my marriage work and unfortunately H wasn’t in the same frame of mind. She did say he’s “a complex creature”. I didn’t ask any more or say anymore and left it as amicable as possible. She did say he had been emotional with her recently so he wasn’t doing great either. At least he’s talking to someone I suppose. I can’t say I am a huge fan of her she isn’t the greatest advocate for fighting for marriages but what can you do. She did briefly ask if I wanted to chat but I did decline as I was feeling pretty rubbish and didn’t really want to get into anything and risk making her sick by inviting her in. Plus I don’t think I need to go talking to any of his family about our issues . He can tell them what he wants.

H stepped up this weekend when I was sick and took the kids for a good chunk of the weekend which was good. Unfortunately not much I could do for “me time” but get better. H came and did some house work etc. he did make a comment about how he hadn’t felt I had respected him in the past with our relationship( he made a similar comment a month or so ago) and highlighted a few examples. I hadn’t thought of it at the time as disrespectful but now that he mentioned it I can see it. I just tried to validate this statement again today and said something along the lines of “ I’m sorry that you felt like that and I can see how it made you feel. At the time I really wasn’t aware and wasn’t doing it with any intention to cause you disrespect and I wished he had said something sooner” I probably worded it all wrong but in the moment it what came to my head. He did admit he would never say it as to not cause a fight. So yeah communication down the drain.
Such a shame I think him feeling disrespected in the marriage is now the biggest issue. I was so unaware. It was never bad things like swearing or putting him down or anything like that. It was more based around me making decisions like booking holidays, or renovating the yard. I would always ask him and he would just agree. Little did I know until now that he really didn’t agree but just never spoke up. He also made a comment that he wants to be able to retire and not have to work his whole life. I don’t know where that came from (H is 48) but I guess his siblings being much older and with adult kids and financially sound it may come into play.

Anyway overall a fine weekend. Both interactions were fine. Nothing I’m hanging on to or boiling about. I was a bit down on myself after the respect comment, but I can’t change the past now, nor was I a mind reader and could tell that H really meant No whenever he said Yes.I guess I need to work on myself a bit more now on building respect and showing respect better. It may be too late for H and me now( he’s basically said “you won’t change you will just revert back and do it all again” and let’s be honest it’s hard to prove it when they aren’t around ) but hopefully in any future relationships I am better at it.

Anyway hopefully a good week ahead this week. I just wanted to get down my two interactions. While prob not handled correctly I still find I’m feeling indifferent and unaffected emotionally by both so I guess that’s a positive. I still love H though. Seeing him this weekend I still felt all that love deep down despite how different he is to the man I have lived with for 20 years. Despite so much love looking at him I don’t feel I am an emotional mess anymore anytime he comes and goes and interacts. And that one little moment he opened up about what bothered him was at least a positive in him opening up cracks of what’s inside so I’ll take it and keep cleaning up my side of the street