First book I’m reading is No More Mr. Nice Guy. I know I have nice guy tendencies. I was blind to them the first time around and tried to change that behavior since. I think i made progress but there’s still more to change. I dont deal with problems directly. I dont set boundaries. Have never had a lasting, good sexual relationship. I do seek approval. I’m a fixer. And I lack as many meaningful men relationships as other guys I know, although I havent supplemented that with women. It’s more like a lack of friendships.
Some of the things I think I changed: I accept myself, at least much more. I was far less likely to hide behavior from W compared to XW.
When J make the list, I realize I didnt make as much progress as I thought.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
. I dont deal with problems directly. I dont set boundaries. Have never had a lasting, good sexual relationship. I do seek approval. I’m a fixer. And I lack as many meaningful men relationships as other guys I know, although I havent supplemented that with women. It’s more like a lack of friendships.
Sounds like some good 180s.
Face this head on. Set boundaries. Have some great sex. Do not worry about approval. Stop fixing this. Go find some guy friends.
These are easy.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What is the thought about wearing your wedding ring as an LBS?
This question comes up all the time - and I’ll get to it in a minute.
But there’s a bigger issue here. And that is that you are micro-managing decisions, interactions and attempting to manipulate or control things.
I did it too, so this is in no way a criticism.
You need to understand that one of the fatal things during a divorce is someone who holds on too tight. Your lack of sleep also suggests that you’re struggling with this a lot. It’s what happens when someone who manages things and is generally in charge of their own life suddenly finds themself not in control. It manifests as posting super frequently, asking questions about every single interaction and desperately trying to solve/fix/repair/diagnose/correct/change things.
Just breathe Card.
You need a time-out.
Here’s my bits of advice:
- You need to seek out some individual counselling. They will help you with anxiety, hyper-awareness, sleep issues. It’s not a sign of weakness, but you really would benefit from a bit of a reset. Simple things, like getting stuff off your chest, mindfulness, meditation, journaling, exercise, sleep - they’re all things that a therapist can help you with. Sometimes it’s available for free - in Australia you can get six free sessions through government health with a psychologist. Lots of employers have employee assistance programs (EAP) where you can get access to some counselling.
- A marriage doesn’t fail overnight. And it never fails because of one person only. It’s like a car you haven’t had serviced for ten years, and now it’s broken down on the side of the road. You can’t just check the dipstick and realise it has no oil, top it up and drive away. Things that take a long time to be broken take a long time to be fixed. You can’t speed it up. And a lot of the time, you’re at the complete mercy of the other person. You need to imagine you’re an autumn leaf in a tornado. You’re going to get tossed about - you can either try to control everything, or you can just let it all go and go with the flow.
- What would be the point of taking your ring off? I guarantee you you’ve asked this question (even subconsciously driven) because you’re wondering if taking it off might wake her up. Or she might yell at you for taking it off, but then at least you’ll have got some validation that deep down she has some feelings for you.
- and R2C is right. Leave it on. It’s YOUR ring. If you want to stay married, keep wearing it. If in 6-12 months you decide you don’t like or want to be with this person any more, then you take it off when you don’t want it any more. It’s really important to make decisions for YOU and what you want, with no regard for what she might want, how she reacts or what other people might think. This is your life, your decisions, your commitment.
- Same goes for her. If she takes hers off or leaves it on, give it no thought. It’s her ring, it’s her finger, she can do whatever she wants.
- Other questions we see frequently along this line to demonstrate my point: a) “Should I move into spare bedroom because she wants space?” - No. You don’t want to move, so you don’t move. If she wants to move, she can. b) “Should I offer to drop the kids to her for a visit?” No. If she wants them, she can ask. c) “Should I tell my family we’re separated?” If you want them to know and want their support - yes. If you don’t want them to know, then no. If you’re telling them in the hope it pressures your spouse - absolutely not.
I hope this was helpful. You need to drop the rope, get some counselling, get on top of your sleep, stop worrying about every little thing. The world’s going to keep on spinning whether you take your ring off or leave it on. Taking it off or leaving it on is also going to have zero bearing on where her you reconcile or divorce. TBH she probably doesn’t care less right now.
You do you, for you. Let her do her.
How’s the attraction stuff going? Have you bought new clothes, lost 5kg, had a haircut and wearing a new aftershave every day? That’s way more important than the ring thing. Try some go-karting, go out with some guys, join a club, go mountain biking. Do some cooking classes, take a flying lesson. A guy who mopes at home and takes his ring off? Or the fit guy who rides his motorbike with a new leather jacket and comes home late at night.
Kind, thank you for your words. I've been aware I've been posting frequently. I do agree that it's out of an effort to control the situation, as much as I'm trying to and know I need to let go. It's also just looking for an escape from the anxiety and physical pain. When I feel good, I don't feel the need to post everything thought and refresh the board every 15 minutes checking for a response.
Thanks for the confirmation on the ring. I wanted to wear it, and will continue to do so. But you're right, I'm sure she doesn't notice or care in the brief interactions we're having right now.
Originally Posted by Kind18
- You need to seek out some individual counselling. They will help you with anxiety, hyper-awareness, sleep issues. It’s not a sign of weakness, but you really would benefit from a bit of a reset. Simple things, like getting stuff off your chest, mindfulness, meditation, journaling, exercise, sleep - they’re all things that a therapist can help you with. Sometimes it’s available for free - in Australia you can get six free sessions through government health with a psychologist. Lots of employers have employee assistance programs (EAP) where you can get access to some counselling.
I have an EAP counseling session scheduled for Monday. Thankfully, I had scheduled it 3 weeks ago. I've also sent an inquiry about an upcoming grief counseling session (free). It's an 8-week session, once a week. If there are any spots available, it starts Aug 31. I'm still not 100% sure I want to do it. I've also inquired about a men's support group.
I know I need to drop the rope, I know I need to let go. Going with the flow like a leaf in the breeze is a good image. But of course it's hard right now. It hasn't even been a full week since BD yet. It took me months to fully detach in D#1, so I know this is a long haul.
I am working on GAL and focusing on me, the kids, and getting around some other guys. This afternoon and evening should be full of that. I had a great afternoon and evening with the kids yesterday and never even thought about what W was doing. I've realized that while I have issues I need to set boundaries for with my mom, I'm going to need her help, especially with S1. Until W brings up a shared schedule, I need to figure out how to get time to myself with other adults while S1 is here full time.
Attractiveness: I ordered Art of Seduction. I am keeping myself trimmed and shaved (no hair to go get styled), am wearing my aftershave (the old stuff, might have to try something new). I'm wearing some of my better clothes, but the wardrobe needs an upgrade. I'll work on that more this week while D11 is with XW.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
If I can remember, I’m going to check in one week from now and ask all about those things you’re saying you’re going to do in the next week.
Feel free to post as often as you want. It wasn’t a criticism. Just an observation. That’s part of why we are here.
The success of this website with regard to DB doesn’t come overnight. There’s no switch to be flicked, or magic words to say to your spouse. It’s a marathon. A gruelling journey. And the eventual success is when you get advice here on turning around your behaviours/decisions/interactions/communications/attractiveness and then you go away and do months or years of work on these yourself. ie we give you the tools, you go away and do the hard work.
The 2 yr old party was ok. I mean the kids and everyone were having fun, I was just down most of the time. But kept pushing myself to talk to the men. I knew a couple of them, which helped. Not feeling great today so far, but trying to go with it
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
