Mazes of the Mind

[sjohns6]

D,
It is so good to hear from you. Thank you, as always, for your thoughtful reply. It never ceases to amaze me at the level of care and consideration you put in to each reply. I think I've grown in my healing to the degree that I can mostly navigate things in a healthy way, but there is still no comparison to having an understanding ear. Someone who actually understands the journey we are on. I have a fair amount of support in my life, but it is hard for me not to see that these people are in my corner whether I am right or not and just want me to be happy. I want more than that. I want to understand and to be healthy. Thank you for helping me along that path. I appreciate YOU!

When a MLCer find acceptance, they may not return to who they once were. If fact, most times they won’t. Just as we have grown, so have they. In finding acceptance they see things clearly and are more healed and able to cope, and so on. They will have cast off the MLCer personality and those running behaviors, yet who finally emerges from that crucible is somewhat an unknown.

A person who successful navigates their crisis will, be definition, have to have grown and changed. Just look at us LBS, we grow and certainly become. A crisis individual will have likewise strengthened that which serves, and discarded that which doesn’t. (Crafting convictions they aspire to comes later for them.) Which parts would remain and which parts would be cast off, is impossible to predict.

Overall, upon such acceptance they are more themselves than when consumed by their crisis. Calmer, emotions in order, more rational, takes on responsibility, etc. It is a transformation, though less so than when entering their crisis.

In some ways, I think this is what has been confusing to me because she seems to fall under this description a little. She has been calmer (I think), taking on more responsibility, acknowledging past mistakes, and being kinder than before. I've began wondering if maybe this is just who she is now. But then there are still so many little weird things she does. Like, social media for example. Neither of us post on Facebook anymore. I removed her as my wife years on it years ago, but we are still on each others friends list. She will occasional post about the kids, but thats about it. She is also friends with OM (fiancé) on there and I see that he sometimes will make posts and tag her, but she has hidden posts from showing up on her timeline. So you only see it if you happen to be online when he makes them, or if you go to his page. She does not have him listed as dating, or make any posts about him. And anything he posts isn't on her page at all. Yet, she still has all of our family pics on there. Pictures of us kissing and whatnot. That just seems like something she would have changed if she was in love with a new guy about to get married. And how must that make him feel? In the grand scheme of things it is small, and I'm not trying to figure it all out really, it's just an observation that I feel like is in conflict with the direction she is going. It seems like if she was healthy of mind and spirit she would realize that things like that aren't healthy for a marital relationship.

However, before there can be acceptance for the MLCer, they have an awakening. Post such an awakening there is withdrawal and depression, then they start to find acceptance. I don’t recall W exhibiting withdrawal nor the dark deep depression of exiting a crisis. Perhaps W has experienced some awakening. She does seem to be peering out of the tunnel, and even stated many positive things to, and about, you. Given all that, I do agree with you, she is not yet done baking. Her actions smack of running. (Seriously!, engaged while still married. Did she forget?)

Anyhow, looking out the tunnel is just that, looking out. That is much different than being out of the tunnel. Exiting the replay stage is as confusing for them as entering it. They exist and see and live in two (or more) worlds. For example, methinks W sees and can obviously acknowledge all that past stuff, yet also is still running from something.

And I think this is the thing that helps me understand a bit better. Thank you. I think you are right. It is possible that she has come out of things and is just a different person now. And that COULD be the case, but I don't think that is all of it. I think you are right, she is peering out of the tunnel, but not actually out of it yet. She is still running from something, just maybe not at lightening speed like she was. I need to just go back to detaching from it. She'll do what she does, and I need to focus on me. She has a way of stirring things back up for me on occasion, but even though it may rattle me a bit, it doesn't take me down.

Did you and W get legally separated? Is divorce now just a submission to the courts? I don’t recall any separation, though I could very well be mistaken. At any rate, W has some work before her if she is going to proceed forward with her wedding plans.

We did not get legally anything. We divided our finances, she packed up half the stuff, we agreed on splitting time with the kids, and she moved out and we began living separate lives. That is all. Now, I should explain a little more. When we first came together we were young. After 6 years of dating, I began to plan proposing to her. I got my mom to take me ring shopping and helping me plan it. But, before I had a chance, she got pregnant. I then went ahead and proposed. I think at first she thought I had only proposed because of the baby, but luckily I had my mom to back me up that we had already been planning it. It isn't that she didn't want to marry, I think it just made it feel less special to think that it was just due to a pregnancy. It was important for me that she knew that wasn't the case. But, she also didn't want to have a big wedding while she was pregnant, so we decided to wait for a ceremony. We did need the insurance, though. So we had a friend sign a marriage certificate for us and we began presenting as married via the certificate, but we never filled a marriage license in the state. We were waiting for the ceremony to do that. But, shortly after my son was born she got pregnant with our daughter. Then...life. We had always planned at some point to have the ceremony, but life just got in the way. In our state (not sure how things differ in other areas) there is common law marriage. In that, if you live together and present as married for more than 4 years, it is the same as a marriage. If you separate after, you actually need to get a divorce to finalize things. Well, we lived as married, filed taxes as married, were married according to our jobs, insurance companies, on the mortgage, to our family and friends, etc. A simple google search tells you we have to get a divorce. So, I guess her decision not to get a divorce before remarrying could be out of some idea that it isn't needed due to not filing with the state originally, but like I said...a simple Google search proves that incorrect. Did she not care enough to even look in to it?

Thank you for letting me ramble. And again, thank you for your insight into trying to wrap my head around things. I hope your day is amazing!