I’m back :(

[Card29]

Stress is a killer Card, and if they don’t know how to handle their stress they destroy their lives in MlC or depression or likewise. My H was buried by the stress of his work and this all started after a big promotion and step up into a big management position. Working lots of hours, getting angry at people at work and taking it out on me and the family, whingeing about being burdened by the stress of life. Never any self care or time out, de-stressed with alcohol.
It really was his own mess.
Their love is in there it’s just buried and burdened.

I know this is not detachment, but when I think about this, I think about how much she has struggled with stress, really since I've known her. Her "strategy" with stress has been to take it all on internally, put on a cheery personality and then have a breakdown every so often. Stress sources have mounted the last few years. She's working full time in a much more stressful job (retail stock/cashier to teacher), MS has gotten worse, MIL nearby, throw in kid responsibilities and then the honeymoon period of effortless love for H is gone.

And then the joyful, stress relieving things that have been subtracted or reduced: Because of work, pregnancy and a kid, you remove time from some of your favorite activities. Hardly ever ride bikes (we used to ride 3-4 days a week). Game nights with friends were multiple nights a week, now they were once every few months. Zero dates for us in months. No rec sports leagues, hardly any movie trips, or movie nights. Movie nights at home lately consisted of her frantically doing chores from the moment she got home until it was time to crash on the couch and pass out with her head on my leg. I have some understanding of how love ebbs and flows, and the formula the last 2+ years has been built exclusively for ebbing (or whatever the bad one is). I shared in 1/2 of this responsibility, and that hurts to think about.

Is journaling these thoughts anti-detachment? I'm not trying to dwell on them, but they are in my head, and they're loud. Especially the aspects that I could have potentially influenced.

I could be wrong here but don’t be super man. Don’t try and do everything and relieve W of her responsibilities as a mother.you’ll burn out, you’ll resent everything.

DnJ had a good line yesterday:

I realize years ago, I can’t be Mom and Dad, I can just be Dad. Yet, I can sure effort to be a darn good one!

I will keep this in mind. I feel for those kids because there mom and step mom has really not fully been there in over a year. W's R with D11 soured last August, too, around the time all of this started. That really hurt to see over the last year. She was the BEST step mom I could have ever imagined before I started dating. Filled the house with love, with fun activities with D11 (then D3 or D4). Baking cupcakes, dressing up in matching Christmas PJs to watch Christmas movies. Last year almost every word W said to D11 had a negative tone. That she needed to pick up her room. That she needs to get back from MIL's house by x time because of so and so. I brought this up and the conversation would always go to that specific complaint or subject. "She's old enough to keep a neater room". Regardless of the validity of what she was saying, there just wasn't love towards D11. I know she does love her. D11 has known W almost as long as she can remember. I'm sure she felt that tension all of last year and is missing W now. Man this is a sore spot for me. Truly heartbreaking to think about. I saw a wonderfully happy picture that sits above D11's bed a couple nights ago. A beach trip the three of us took probably 5 or 6 years ago. W hugging D11, sun on their faces, huge smiles. That R is melted now, too.

I made the same mistake with H early in trying to do everything lighten his load appease him in everything and he was just cruising through and I absolutely hated it. Might be time to have some sort of schedule so you have some time alone too and also maybe you need a holiday.
Don’t you love the way they feel the world owes them all this freedom and holidays 🙄 it’s utter BS. Sorry I could be wrong as I’m further along but I hated doing everything I burnt out massively and resented H so much for enjoying his freedom and basically his ability to revert to a 17 year old slob

I know this can't go on for too much longer. Next week will be easier as D11 will be with XW, but I don't want to be looking forward to not having D11. I don't want to have one ounce of feeling like she's a burden. Lately she has noticed or felt like I had pushed her off to XW early. I always rearranged the schedule when I did, but to D11 it felt like I just didn't want her there. We had a talk about that the other night and I told her I never want her to feel like that, and her and S1 are my top priorities.

I will try not to think about her activities. I can't control them. I need to GAL myself.

Anyway there’s a great app called “insight timer” it’s all these free meditations. There’s some fantastic sleep meditations. I would put that on every night and would help. Even if I woke up a few hours later
There’s some very calming soothing voices

I downloaded it and look forward to trying it.