I’m back :(

[Card29]

Full of dread today

[Card29]

Got a text for W. It’s not a question, so technically I shouldn’t respond? But it feels like a confirmation/denial is implied?

W: “I’m going to pick S1 up after his nap Sunday. I’ll spend the afternoon with him and then drop him back off to you. Thanks H!”

Is “ok” not appropriate?

[Card29]

I never texted, and she ended up calling. We settled it on the phone.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Card

Those sleepless nights and fitful periods of rest are perfectly normal.

Bomb drop triggers one's fight or flight mechanism. Primal survival instincts kick in. It's an involuntary reaction to danger, and/or one's perception to danger. Adrenaline floods the body quickening one's heart rate, heightening the senses, increasing strength, and so on. A very good evolutionary reaction to things like a tiger attack. Its a life or death response, fight for your life or run for your life.

Problem is, BD triggers this mechanism, yet one cannot flight or flee the modern day "tiger". One gets caught in a mostly constant adrenaline flow in response to their situation. Days, weeks, months of such stimulation is commonplace.

That kind of long term adrenaline brings about anxiety, stress, tension, headaches, problems sleeping, sweating, and so on. If this goes on for more than three months more serious symptoms can occur. For most people, they find their way through this stage within a few months.

This is all part of the response due to the traumatic stress one has experienced. Panic attacks, nightmares, reliving the trauma, unwanted reminders, negative mood, fear, anger, depression, believing one is to blame, difficultly concentrating, trouble detaching, and so on, are some common symptoms. Know that this response is normal and usually temporary, and rarely leads to any long term disorder.

My time in that particular pain lasted a few months. Goodness so many terrible nights. I also had sudden panic attacks, dwelled on the events of that Thanksgiving, merged my hallucinations with those events (it was such a shock that my blood pressure dropped and my poor oxygen starved mind saw all manner of wild things), and I kept getting retriggered with everything in the house. Just to name a few.

This ended for me on one night around 2:00 am a couple of months post BD. I had yet another vivid nightmare, this time was W suffering in external damnation. I bolted awake, drenched in sweat, and right then and there knelt down beside the bed and begged God to forgive her for she didn't serve such a fate. Oh my, such hubris! Me, a mere mortal telling God matters of the soul.

Anyhow, I had found forgiveness. (Far too long a topic for right here ) That was the last bad night I had. I went back to bed and ever since I've slept soundly and fully.

Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment is when one's emotions are no longer uncontrollable dragged around by their spouse's words or behaviors. You still hurt, have stress, feel towards your spouse and the situation, just not uncontrollably. Indifference, the time when one's feelings are muted, comes later.

Right now, exercise, focus on you and the kids, GAL, the stop sign technique, all help with detachment. Exercise is especially useful as it shifts your focus and utilizes that excess adrenaline. Sweat your feelings out. Attack a punching bag, run, dig a garden, something strenuous to use up that anxious energy. It helps with sleep too.

It takes time, and purposeful effort, to traverse this. Use the moments of rational clarity to discover and affix your headings. Write them down if you need. And in the times of runaway emotions follow those level-headed headings/bearings.

Got a text for W. It’s not a question, so technically I shouldn’t respond? But it feels like a confirmation/denial is implied?

W: “I’m going to pick S1 up after his nap Sunday. I’ll spend the afternoon with him and then drop him back off to you. Thanks H!”

Is “ok” not appropriate?

Ok is a fine response.

This is a matter of son. Conversations regarding kids are in a different category than the non-questions and those non-important texts, for kids are always important.

I notice W is kind of vague with her pick up and return times. You might want to firm that up a bit, and set the stage for future arrangements/scheduling with her. Something like: OK W, that will be fine. I am going out Sunday, what time will you be bringing S1 back? or I'm going out Sunday at 1:00 and will be back at 5:00.

D

[DnJ]

Does anyone think I should ever initiate talks with W about an S1 schedule? I feel like I should wait for her to bring it up. I don't know where her head is at, nor her living situation. I know the last few days she’s stayed with a friend from work. It doesn't sound like she has a mid/long term plan.

I'd not push that for now. W is pretty much reacting and not making solid plans for her life, never mind son's care.

Wait for W to initiate such a scheduling talk. Custody, pick up and drop off times, and sleeping arrangement are a few topics. There is also clothing, diapers, bed and bedding, toys, and all the other items that would need to be doubled up to be discussed as well. Let W step onto that landmine all on her own.

In the meantime, you should think about this. Have some ideas and your wants sorted out. If W continues to push this situation forward, you will have some leg work already done and save yourself some stress.

I'd recommend you speak with a lawyer too. This is just for information, you need not take any action. You are just getting a legal viewpoint and advice on custody, support, and such. Also get an opinion on if W leaving the martial home affects things. I'm pretty sure the law would side with a parent living at home, rather than one sleeping on a friend's couch. Especially if there is a history of such. Another reason to talk with a L, as they know and can notarize said history.

D

[Card29]

DnJ, thank you. Thank you for giving me perspective on the terrible nights. I know it's natural but damn it hurts. Last night was just terrible. I don't know what was worse, the dreams or the physical pain and anxiety when I was awake. I will try to get more exercise going forward. We have the worst weather of the year, it's unbearable outside. Even my garage, which is normally cool, is grossly hot and humid. I have weights in there, but I couldn't stand being in it for more than 10 minutes. Thankfully, fall is just around the corner.

It takes time, and purposeful effort, to traverse this. Use the moments of rational clarity to discover and affix your headings. Write them down if you need. And in the times of runaway emotions follow those level-headed headings/bearings.

I wrote down a quote from someone on here this week: "That which one focuses on becomes larger". Right now my focus is on the kids, trying to breathe and observe emotions when they are running haywire, scheduling time with friends, making phone calls to trusted allies in this mess, and trying to stay busy at work.

Ok is a fine response.

This is a matter of son. Conversations regarding kids are in a different category than the non-questions and those non-important texts, for kids are always important

Thanks for confirming. That's what felt right. I'll do that from now on.

I notice W is kind of vague with her pick up and return times. You might want to firm that up a bit, and set the stage for future arrangements/scheduling with her. Something like: OK W, that will be fine. I am going out Sunday, what time will you be bringing S1 back? or I'm going out Sunday at 1:00 and will be back at 5:00.

When she called a couple hours after that, I was sure to ask about specific times. She suggested 8:30-9:00 for pickup and I agreed.

I'd recommend you speak with a lawyer too. This is just for information, you need not take any action. You are just getting a legal viewpoint and advice on custody, support, and such. Also get an opinion on if W leaving the martial home affects things. I'm pretty sure the law would side with a parent living at home, rather than one sleeping on a friend's couch. Especially if there is a history of such. Another reason to talk with a L, as they know and can notarize said history.

I should. I will say, I'm hesitant because I went through D#1 completely without talking to a lawyer. Probably not the smartest, but we were pretty even as far as income, contributions to everything, and we entered the marriage with shared assets. A friend's wife was a paralegal for a law firm that specialized in divorce. He suggested her as an ally.

[Card29]

There is a great poster AmyC I think over in the MLC section I gotta find it. Read her story her experience of when she went through a MLC. It was intense. It scares the bejeezuz out of me and I hope I never go through it. But a great read and insight into wtf goes on in their mind. I know your W is only in her 30s but I def feel there are periods of transformation within people at certain ages

I'd love to see it if you can find it.

[Card29]

Stress is a killer Card, and if they don’t know how to handle their stress they destroy their lives in MlC or depression or likewise. My H was buried by the stress of his work and this all started after a big promotion and step up into a big management position. Working lots of hours, getting angry at people at work and taking it out on me and the family, whingeing about being burdened by the stress of life. Never any self care or time out, de-stressed with alcohol.
It really was his own mess.
Their love is in there it’s just buried and burdened.

I know this is not detachment, but when I think about this, I think about how much she has struggled with stress, really since I've known her. Her "strategy" with stress has been to take it all on internally, put on a cheery personality and then have a breakdown every so often. Stress sources have mounted the last few years. She's working full time in a much more stressful job (retail stock/cashier to teacher), MS has gotten worse, MIL nearby, throw in kid responsibilities and then the honeymoon period of effortless love for H is gone.

And then the joyful, stress relieving things that have been subtracted or reduced: Because of work, pregnancy and a kid, you remove time from some of your favorite activities. Hardly ever ride bikes (we used to ride 3-4 days a week). Game nights with friends were multiple nights a week, now they were once every few months. Zero dates for us in months. No rec sports leagues, hardly any movie trips, or movie nights. Movie nights at home lately consisted of her frantically doing chores from the moment she got home until it was time to crash on the couch and pass out with her head on my leg. I have some understanding of how love ebbs and flows, and the formula the last 2+ years has been built exclusively for ebbing (or whatever the bad one is). I shared in 1/2 of this responsibility, and that hurts to think about.

Is journaling these thoughts anti-detachment? I'm not trying to dwell on them, but they are in my head, and they're loud. Especially the aspects that I could have potentially influenced.

I could be wrong here but don’t be super man. Don’t try and do everything and relieve W of her responsibilities as a mother.you’ll burn out, you’ll resent everything.

DnJ had a good line yesterday:

I realize years ago, I can’t be Mom and Dad, I can just be Dad. Yet, I can sure effort to be a darn good one!

I will keep this in mind. I feel for those kids because there mom and step mom has really not fully been there in over a year. W's R with D11 soured last August, too, around the time all of this started. That really hurt to see over the last year. She was the BEST step mom I could have ever imagined before I started dating. Filled the house with love, with fun activities with D11 (then D3 or D4). Baking cupcakes, dressing up in matching Christmas PJs to watch Christmas movies. Last year almost every word W said to D11 had a negative tone. That she needed to pick up her room. That she needs to get back from MIL's house by x time because of so and so. I brought this up and the conversation would always go to that specific complaint or subject. "She's old enough to keep a neater room". Regardless of the validity of what she was saying, there just wasn't love towards D11. I know she does love her. D11 has known W almost as long as she can remember. I'm sure she felt that tension all of last year and is missing W now. Man this is a sore spot for me. Truly heartbreaking to think about. I saw a wonderfully happy picture that sits above D11's bed a couple nights ago. A beach trip the three of us took probably 5 or 6 years ago. W hugging D11, sun on their faces, huge smiles. That R is melted now, too.

I made the same mistake with H early in trying to do everything lighten his load appease him in everything and he was just cruising through and I absolutely hated it. Might be time to have some sort of schedule so you have some time alone too and also maybe you need a holiday.
Don’t you love the way they feel the world owes them all this freedom and holidays 🙄 it’s utter BS. Sorry I could be wrong as I’m further along but I hated doing everything I burnt out massively and resented H so much for enjoying his freedom and basically his ability to revert to a 17 year old slob

I know this can't go on for too much longer. Next week will be easier as D11 will be with XW, but I don't want to be looking forward to not having D11. I don't want to have one ounce of feeling like she's a burden. Lately she has noticed or felt like I had pushed her off to XW early. I always rearranged the schedule when I did, but to D11 it felt like I just didn't want her there. We had a talk about that the other night and I told her I never want her to feel like that, and her and S1 are my top priorities.

I will try not to think about her activities. I can't control them. I need to GAL myself.

Anyway there’s a great app called “insight timer” it’s all these free meditations. There’s some fantastic sleep meditations. I would put that on every night and would help. Even if I woke up a few hours later
There’s some very calming soothing voices

I downloaded it and look forward to trying it.

[Ready2Change]

Pick up a notebook. Start documenting parenting... The times you spend parenting... The time she spends parenting.


Start compartmentalizing. Parenting time. Me time. Work time. Sleep time. Shopping time. Eating time. Whatever makes sense to you.

What are your GAL plans for this weekend?

[Card29]

Hi Ready, I’m intrigued by that journal suggestion. What are some of the purposes of it? Helping me compartmentalize? Focusing on what I’m doing?

I dont have a plan tonight. Home with the kids. Although we just decided we’ll go to the local library (it’s relatively new with a great kids section) then eat dinner somewhere

Tomorrow there is a bday party for a friend’s 2 year old. A few of my friends will be there. They’re mostly people I’m loosely friends with. Friends through a closer friend. But I’d like to spend more time with them. They hang out a lot, although they do a fair amount of drinking. I have, too, but am trying to cut back. It’s not a huge temptation for me, if I don’t have drink #1.

Tomorrow night, another friend is throwing a house concert. S1 and D11 will stay with my mom. I’ve been to one, it was amazing. He has a big basement that can accommodate 100 people plus the band. Last one I went to was a legit band that had just finished a European tour. I think tomorrow is more of a local band. I’ll know a couple of people there.

No plans for Sunday yet. I have a golf tee time in the morning that a friend is encouraging me to attend.

My best friend gets into town on Monday for a week. We plan to spend time together of course