Those sleepless nights and fitful periods of rest are perfectly normal.
Bomb drop triggers one's fight or flight mechanism. Primal survival instincts kick in. It's an involuntary reaction to danger, and/or one's perception to danger. Adrenaline floods the body quickening one's heart rate, heightening the senses, increasing strength, and so on. A very good evolutionary reaction to things like a tiger attack. Its a life or death response, fight for your life or run for your life.
Problem is, BD triggers this mechanism, yet one cannot flight or flee the modern day "tiger". One gets caught in a mostly constant adrenaline flow in response to their situation. Days, weeks, months of such stimulation is commonplace.
That kind of long term adrenaline brings about anxiety, stress, tension, headaches, problems sleeping, sweating, and so on. If this goes on for more than three months more serious symptoms can occur. For most people, they find their way through this stage within a few months.
This is all part of the response due to the traumatic stress one has experienced. Panic attacks, nightmares, reliving the trauma, unwanted reminders, negative mood, fear, anger, depression, believing one is to blame, difficultly concentrating, trouble detaching, and so on, are some common symptoms. Know that this response is normal and usually temporary, and rarely leads to any long term disorder.
My time in that particular pain lasted a few months. Goodness so many terrible nights. I also had sudden panic attacks, dwelled on the events of that Thanksgiving, merged my hallucinations with those events (it was such a shock that my blood pressure dropped and my poor oxygen starved mind saw all manner of wild things), and I kept getting retriggered with everything in the house. Just to name a few.
This ended for me on one night around 2:00 am a couple of months post BD. I had yet another vivid nightmare, this time was W suffering in external damnation. I bolted awake, drenched in sweat, and right then and there knelt down beside the bed and begged God to forgive her for she didn't serve such a fate. Oh my, such hubris! Me, a mere mortal telling God matters of the soul.
Anyhow, I had found forgiveness. (Far too long a topic for right here ) That was the last bad night I had. I went back to bed and ever since I've slept soundly and fully.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment is when one's emotions are no longer uncontrollable dragged around by their spouse's words or behaviors. You still hurt, have stress, feel towards your spouse and the situation, just not uncontrollably. Indifference, the time when one's feelings are muted, comes later.
Right now, exercise, focus on you and the kids, GAL, the stop sign technique, all help with detachment. Exercise is especially useful as it shifts your focus and utilizes that excess adrenaline. Sweat your feelings out. Attack a punching bag, run, dig a garden, something strenuous to use up that anxious energy. It helps with sleep too.
It takes time, and purposeful effort, to traverse this. Use the moments of rational clarity to discover and affix your headings. Write them down if you need. And in the times of runaway emotions follow those level-headed headings/bearings.
Originally Posted by Card29
Got a text for W. It’s not a question, so technically I shouldn’t respond? But it feels like a confirmation/denial is implied?
W: “I’m going to pick S1 up after his nap Sunday. I’ll spend the afternoon with him and then drop him back off to you. Thanks H!”
Is “ok” not appropriate?
Ok is a fine response.
This is a matter of son. Conversations regarding kids are in a different category than the non-questions and those non-important texts, for kids are always important.
I notice W is kind of vague with her pick up and return times. You might want to firm that up a bit, and set the stage for future arrangements/scheduling with her. Something like: OK W, that will be fine. I am going out Sunday, what time will you be bringing S1 back? or I'm going out Sunday at 1:00 and will be back at 5:00.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) That was the last bad night I had. I went back to bed and ever since I've slept soundly and fully.
