I’m back :(

[Card29]

Pattnee thank you for those words. I will respond later. It’s 2am and I’m awake, like clockwork. Maybe the worst middle of that night feeling yet. Stomach is on fire. Trying to say “I’ll deal with that tomorrow”. Suffering right now. I know I need to get off my phone, but I needed something to break the stream of terrible thoughts. More like a raging river of them. It hurts right now.

[Pattnee5]

Aww Card. I was the same. Some days I would be up for hours. Sleep was non existent, walking around like a zombie stomach a mess ( it’s anxiety) and that horrible heaviness on the chest. All so common all so normal. I would scroll for hours on these boards reading old thread and forums. You are in survival mode. Just do what you can to get through each day. We are here for you

[Card29]

I’m refreshing the board frequently. Everyone’s words here are the only guaranteed moment of peace. This is brutal. I desperately need the weekend to get here. I can at least nap when S1 does.

[Pattnee5]

Dig deeper I started to read older posts on MLC board and found a lot of comfort in others stories and advice. Knowing I wasn’t going mental. Hearing older vets words of wisdom. You will be ok Card. We will be ok. Better than ok. There are blue skies ahead for all. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked into it. When you can’t control what’s happening to you , you can control how you respond to it. That’s where your power is Card. You are not a failure because your second marriage is in this state. We are grieving who our W and H were, not who they are now. I know it’s so hard to do I remember that raw pain you are going through, but drop the rope. Turn within, seek other ways to heal.
This sounds so weird but did everything, I prayed, I did counselling, then a friend recommended this kinesiology stuff which I never would have done ( I’m too science/medical based and never been into that stuff) but boy that changed me. I don’t know how to explain it but it delves into more of the spiritual and trapped emotions in your body and for me after two sessions I felt so much better. It’s the one thing I now look forward to every month and I know many would think it’s witchy woo but honestly in our moments of turmoil we can start to turn within and find other ways for our healing

[Pattnee5]

I’m here for the next half hour if you need a soundboard 😃

[Pattnee5]

There is a great poster AmyC I think over in the MLC section I gotta find it. Read her story her experience of when she went through a MLC. It was intense. It scares the bejeezuz out of me and I hope I never go through it. But a great read and insight into wtf goes on in their mind. I know your W is only in her 30s but I def feel there are periods of transformation within people at certain ages

[Card29]

I was able to sleep for another cycle. Had the craziest dream I can remember. Turned into a nightmare. Was at a big party with the in-law extended fam, great people. My dad bad come back from the dead and was there, met S1, D11. He ended up hurting S1 physically, badly. And then someone slipped me some type of drug that had me trapped in fake version of the house (mentally). I was trying to get out of that state so I could help S1 and take him to the hospital. Throughtout that whole thing, W was out of town but heard what happened and was supposedly on her way.

That’s the type of dream I have when I’m sick and go to bed with some nighttime meds. An absolute mindwarp. I’m thankful for the 2 hours of sleep, though. Kids are up in 30 minutes

[Card29]

I caved. My mom is off work this morning and had offered to walk D11 to the bus. I’ll let S1 sleep and will try to catch more sleep myself

[Pattnee5]

That’s not caving that’s accepting help when help is offered
We can’t do it all ourselves

[Card29]

I welcome help, but the only help readily available right now is from the one person I dont want it from. I’m DB’ing much better this time around, but the sitch feels so much harder. I am being very aware if D11, and my in-town support network is smaller. Plus this WAW immediately left the house, leaving me as an alone parent. She is watching S1 for a while on Saturday.

Does anyone think I should ever initiate talks with W about an S1 schedule? I feel like I should wait for her to bring it up. I dont know where her head is at, nor her living situation. I know the last few days she’s stayed with a friend from work. It doesnt sound like she has a mid/long term plan.