I’m back :(

[Card29]

DnJ, that’s a beautiful story. And it’s real. Home is where the heart is. I do believe there will be warm, bright days ahead. A lot of work for me in the meantime.

Still, your situation is just days passed BD, and there really is nothing concrete to inform them of. I wouldn’t share what you’re doing - the giving of time and space as W has requested, nor the focusing on you and the kids, and especially not DB or anything like that. Just tell them summary facts of the situation. W has been stay at her friends for a few days.

Noted. I tend to overshare. I’m noticing how strong it is this week. I will try my best to keep it to a minimum. I know especially her dad may be asking some questions, though. He’s been concerned about her for weeks and has asked me whats up with her. I hadn’t told him what I was really thinking because it felt like going behind her back, but he could tell there was much more than “stress from work”.

Regarding sleep, I’ve actually been very relaxed at bedtime. It’s waking up in the middle of the night and getting flooded with every terrible thought that’s been the problem. All of the dread, shame, fear, betrayal, hopelessness, etc. But as you say, it must just come with the territory. There’s no pain-free way through this situation.

Your 47 year old cousin does sound awesome and wise. Thank him for listening and offering his support and perspective. I’d ask him if he would be open to be one of your few trusted support people during this. Someone to help you stay on track. Lots of times folks do want to help, yet they do not know what to do. Having a known person just a phone call away is pure gold! You’ll likely not even “need” him that often. (Also part of that family foundation from above.)

He’s already on board and is probably my favorite contact now. And I’m going to try to call him even when I don’t need a talk about W or my struggles. He’s a hoot and his family is awesome.

My best friend is also a great guy, but he’s younger (~32) and hasnt been in a serious relationship in a while. He’s an engineer like me and is trying to problem solve it, trying to figure out what her problem is and how I can fix it. I know it comes from love, and I also know it’s not the right thing to do, so it doesn’t bother me. It’s almost like I preach DB to him on our calls haha. Good practice for me.

“I don't want a lot of help right now. I don’t want you to take the trash cans out for me.” This is interesting. Why? Why don’t you want help? Is it just her help you don’t want? I ask to prompt that inner realization. That subconscious self stuff

I will definitely take help. I’m going to need it. Right now I dont want any help from her specifically. I see it being a slippery slope to being babied and her getting to play mom to a child again. She has invaded my parenting over the last several years, and invalidated W. It’s just not a healthy relationship and I dont want to pretend like everything is great. I know I need to move. I’ve known that for 3 weeks now, before BD.

Mom, likely cares, and wants to help. Folks do not want to feel useless in their support. Something small can also help to break the ice to that pending bigger elephant in the room discussion. Fighting begets fighting, and if you want to reach Mom, head on likely won’t get there.

I’m sure she does because I’m hurting, but I dont think she’s sad at all about my M falling apart. She has not liked W from the start. I love my mom and I’m not trying to pick a fight with her. I just dont even want to have to crack the door right now. I dont have a morsel of spare energy. I dont plan on shunning her, but the old way just cant continue, with or without W.

Thank you for the feedback on my conversation.

I think just answering with “Ok” would have been fine. There was no need to go further. And I think you are hoping, maybe even unintentionally trying, to instil some stress and anxiety into her stoney exterior. And that’s pretty common for us LBS, when seeing our spouse behave in such an unemotional manner.

I think I was trying to validate as she had inferred anxiety about it earlier in the week. But you’re right, it wasn’t necessarily. Less is more

Thank you again