I’m back :(

[DnJ]

Good Morning Card

I also know it was an aspect of buying my grandmother's house after she passed (2 doors from my mom). When I was growing up, she was a foster parent and babysitter of me, my sisters and a bunch of my cousins. We all got off different school buses at our house. Our parents came over after work every single day, and we had a huge dinner with 30 people 4-5 days a week. So to me, that house was the anchor point for our entire family. I was thrilled to buy it, to keep it in the family.

That sounds like a wonderful time. Such love and family togetherness.

But I have learned a harsh dose of reality that it wasn't the house that tied all of that together.

Yes, home and hearth is built not from bricks and mortar, rather with hugs and love. Grandma has a fantastic legacy by the sounds of it.

I’ve got two decades on you, and have been there too. Some considerations for you. Maybe they’ll resonate and spark something inside.

I remember my Grandma’s house and yard. All the love and fun and good times. She’s been gone now two decades, and I can still see the pull out couch where me and my sister would play under. The wooden doors with the clear glass handles. The large garden. The basement. The kitchen table where many a card game was played, and many a “effortless” delicious meal was eaten. (Grandmas and Moms can throw together a meal with such seemingly fluidity and efficiency. )

After my Grandma’s passing, my parents “home” became that family beacon. The same house I grew up in. Of course, it wasn’t the walls and roof at all, it was the folks within.

A few years later and my Dad contracted a bacterial inflection that grew and occluded the blood flow to his spinal cord at the C5 vertebrae. In three days, he was permanently paralyzed from waist down, and partial paralysis of arms and torso.

The next few years my parents tried to live at home. It was difficult, even with the modifications I did. They moved to an apartment with a better lay out with bigger doorways and such. Meanwhile, grandkids were growing up, and my family grew to four kids. The apartment just didn’t cut it for overnight stays, and was insufficient for such a large gathering around the kitchen table.

My parents also realized they were not happy living in the city, and given a choice where would they rather be? Living in a smaller town. So they moved to the same town as W and I. They bought a house and I gutted it and remodelled it for proper wheelchair access and all the features my Mom wanted. She is kind of short, so we designed the cupboards, countertops, light switches, everything, for her and Dad’s now height.

My parents are now both in their late seventies. Some time, years ago, my house and yard became that beacon, that glue, that family togetherness. I’m not precisely sure when that mantle shifted, yet it did shift. Firstly it was on to both W and I. After BD, well that honour became solely mine.

A ten acre yard and 5000 sqft house does tend to allow for such large family gatherings. Of course, my kids did grow up here, and they have many many wonderful memories of home and hearth.

Let me tell you, accepting such a mantle, such responsibility, I felt so out of my depth. For thirty years W and I were a team. And a darn good one! I’m a pretty good man, husband, and father. I’m a mediocre Mom.

I realize years ago, I can’t be Mom and Dad, I can just be Dad. Yet, I can sure effort to be a darn good one!

Present day, I have a legacy of “that” house. My kids gather, and have a great time. My parents come over. Friends and family have fun times. Heck, I can even appear to get food slung onto the table rather effortlessly. (In truth, I found it’s more just to not worry about the little things. And maybe, that’s exactly what wisdom the Grandma’s and Mom’s have/had. Don’t cry over the spilling of milk. Lol.)

Anyhow, your situation has a ringing of similarity to me. Over the last two decades, my family anchor point shifted. You have an opportunity to craft, to create, to inspire, strong family bonds. To make a legacy. Don’t fret or rush over the outcome, it’s more the foundation that matters. Build slow and strong. Use that gift of time.

[W] is planning to tell her family today. Assuming they reach out, especially with a phone call, what should my game plan be? I am close with them, but I don't think I should tell them that I'm miserably in pain and this is the worst thing in the world, as that will likely get back to her.

Yes, anything you tell them will likely make its way back to W. Blood is thicker than water, and they are her family first and foremost.

Still, your situation is just days passed BD, and there really is nothing concrete to inform them of. I wouldn’t share what you’re doing - the giving of time and space as W has requested, nor the focusing on you and the kids, and especially not DB or anything like that. Just tell them summary facts of the situation. W has been stay at her friends for a few days.

A good night sleep is something lost for a while during the first stage of all this. As Kind wisely pointed out, exercise helps. Go for a walk. A nice stroll to clear the mind. Focus on the present moment. See the trees, the leaves turning color, the animals scurrying about, and so on. Shift your focus, even for just a while, off your W and your worry.

Also, no caffeinated beverages after supper, and no alcohol either helps one find a more peaceful slumber.

Dreams, nightmares, those jolt me awake moments in the wee hours of the night, are expressions of one’s subconsciousness. It takes time to come to terms with those out of reach thoughts and feelings. It’s part of one’s journey to acceptance.

One cannot directly control their subconsciousness, only influence it. When one is calm one can better hear and speak to their inner self. Those moments of clarity and answer do present themselves, be patient.

An interesting thing: Whatever you are thinking about, focused upon, during those five minutes before falling asleep, is likely to be what you’ll mostly dream about. Yes, our nighttime mental wandering is our subconscious making sense of our day and its entirety, however, we can, and do, provide the initial seed for that trek.

Your 47 year old cousin does sound awesome and wise. Thank him for listening and offering his support and perspective. I’d ask him if he would be open to be one of your few trusted support people during this. Someone to help you stay on track. Lots of times folks do want to help, yet they do not know what to do. Having a known person just a phone call away is pure gold! You’ll likely not even “need” him that often. (Also part of that family foundation from above.)

And also thank you for the advice with boundaries. So far I have only said “I want to deal with this within the family right now”. This morning she had taken my trash cans around front for garbage day. When I went home on lunch, she had returned them (emptied) and even bleached one that had been smelly. I texted “I dont want a lot of help right now. I don’t want you to take the trash cans out for me.” She just said ok and I left it. I’m saving the bigger boundaries talk for another day after some counseling.

Yes, R2C is an awesome poster.

Do your research into attractive male behavior. Do not be supplicating. Do not be open with her about your emotional state. Project that life is amazing now. You can express your sadness or anger or whatever you are feeling here, and in private, when and where it is safe.

Wise words there.

“I want to deal with this within the family right now”, is not a boundary. (By the way, I don’t believe you think it is a boundary either.) It’s just a statement. You telling Mom that you aren’t ready to explain or share just yet. If Mom keeps pushing and/or digging then you might need to craft a boundary.

“I don't want a lot of help right now. I don’t want you to take the trash cans out for me.” This is interesting. Why? Why don’t you want help? Is it just her help you don’t want? I ask to prompt that inner realization. That subconscious self stuff.

Mom, likely cares, and wants to help. Folks do not want to feel useless in their support. Something small can also help to break the ice to that pending bigger elephant in the room discussion. Fighting begets fighting, and if you want to reach Mom, head on likely won’t get there.

Later, she texted:

W: Have you said anything to your mom?
W: sorry I guess that’s not my business
(I waited a while deciding what to say)
Me: Nothing out of the ordinary
Me: Thanks for cleaning out the fridge. That was next on my list.
(Is that anti-DB? It felt like I was just acknowledging something nice she did)
W: Least I could do for all your help with S1
W: I’m going to talk to my family tomorrow, I think
Me: Ok. I’m sure that is stressful to think about and anticipate

How did I do? Should I have left that last sentence out? It’s been obvious she’s stressed to tell them, but maybe this went from validating to pursuing and assuming her emotions?

This text exchange was like a follow up from the in-person conversation, and you did fine.

Your thanking her for cleaning the fridge, like I said flowing from the earlier conversation. If you had texted her out of the blue and said that, it would be very much pursuing and pressure. As it turned out, W thanked you and acknowledged your efforts too. Remember, less is more. So keep it mostly reined in.

Your last sentence, all eleven words (twelve if we expand the contraction), I remember how so few words can trigger such an avalanche of emotions and self doubts. Card, it’s ok. You can neither fix or break your situation in a single sentence.

Validating is difficult with text. A good portion of our emotional communication is stated with our mannerisms and those wee indicators: eye movement, hand placement, arms folded or open, and so on. As example if this was person to person: W, you sound stressed. Or, you appear calm.

Her statement of talking to her parents tomorrow sounds kind of robotic to me. The only indicator that she has some internal reservations or perhaps fret is her appending “I think”.

I think just answering with “Ok” would have been fine. There was no need to go further. And I think you are hoping, maybe even unintentionally trying, to instil some stress and anxiety into her stoney exterior. And that’s pretty common for us LBS, when seeing our spouse behave in such an unemotional manner.

D