I’m back :(

[Card29]

Thanks for that book recommendation, I’ll out it on my reading list. And also thank you for the advice with boundaries. So far I have only said “I want to deal with this within the family right now”. This morning she had taken my trash cans around front for garbage day. When I went home on lunch, she had returned them (emptied) and even bleached one that had been smelly. I texted “I dont want a lot of help right now. I don’t want you to take the trash cans out for me.” She just said ok and I left it. I’m saving the bigger boundaries talk for another day after some counseling.


I had an in person convo with W this afternoon. She picked up S1 and got him to bed as I had an after work thing. We agreed on this a couple days ago. I didnt ask anything, just let her talk. Originally I had asked to talk so we could gameplan the counseling session. But I since realized that was anti-DB.

She said “so what do you want to talk about”

Me: “We can talk about whatever you feel like talking about.” She hemmed and hawed for a moment, so I said, “Or we can just tell him what’s going on and let him lead us”. She quickly agreed.

The rest of the convo was her giving a rundown after her afternoon with S1. I was trying not to be pushy or pursuing, and I think I came off a little bland. I felt awkward. Just need to learn the ropes and strategies.

Later, she texted:

W: Have you said anything to your mom?
W: sorry I guess that’s not my business
(I waited a while deciding what to say)
Me: Nothing out of the ordinary
Me: Thanks for cleaning out the fridge. That was next on my list.
(Is that anti-DB? It felt like I was just acknowledging something nice she did)
W: Least I could do for all your help with S1
W: I’m going to talk to my family tomorrow, I think
Me: Ok. I’m sure that is stressful to think about and anticipate

How did I do? Should I have left that last sentence out? It’s been obvious she’s stressed to tell them, but maybe this went from validating to pursuing and assuming her emotions?

[Pattnee5]

Card you are so far ahead of so many especially so early in the piece. Seriously you’re doing awesome. Gosh I was absolutely breaking every rule under the Sun. I think you handled that well.
Less is more. Keep treating her like an acquaintance in order to help you detach and give her space. Lots of space. I would just also say I know she blames your mother as a reason to leave, I don’t think that’s the real reason, it’s just something she can clutch to and validate her issues. I’m sure your mother was a thorn in her side and in your relationship but people can work through that, spouses cut family out for their spouses and children. I just don’t think that’s her real reason. Same way my H is just using something I did 9 years ago against me ( and stuff I did in my early 20s). Not the reason for his crisis but sounds good enough and valid enough to leave .
She’s running. Like my H. Not sure if it’s a MLc or depression or post natal depression but whatever it is it’s enough for her to know she needs to remove herself from the situation. I had PND with son who was my second child around the age of 1-2. It’s a horrible horrible feeling. I didn’t want to be home anymore I wanted to run away I would lie there and wish H would just leave or worse still die( that makes me feel so sick now even thinking back to it) it was a horrible horrible feeling I was soooo out of myself. I would often leave S with my parents and do my own thing or with D who was 2 at the time. I would drink wine while cooking dinner to cope. I remember one day we went as a family to a play centre and I just didn’t get out of the car I just sat in the car miserable and cried and listen to sad music and let H take them in and removed myself and made excuses to go to the shops. It was a horrible time in my life. I don’t know what comes over us. It’s depression.
Luckily I realised and seeked help. H never asked or questioned which was hard but honestly I probably would have snapped at him massively if he tried to comfort me and support me. I think I would have run away too.
She needs to find her way out of this. She really needs professional help which is why it’s good you’re at counselling but maybe she needs her own sessions too. She also has her medical issue which is horrible she has that hanging over herself like a death sentence.
Keep being the lighthouse and keep focused on you and the kids. The kids don’t need you to fall apart too

[Card29]

I wanted to journal the phone call I had with my cousin around lunchtime today, and other parts of my day. This is mostly for me, but if anyone wants to read this wall of text, you’re more than welcome.

I’d had an ok morning, I was able to focus at work (mostly out of necessity as things that were going to explode if I didn’t get them done today). But there were still this periods of pain, dread, etc. I know those will keep coming from time to time for a long while, so I’m trying to observe them and let them be.

I was driving back from lunch and decided I’d call my older cousin, probably around 47 yrs old. We didn’t grow up near each other, plus the age gap was huge when we were young. I didn’t start to connect with him until the last 10 years. We started getting much closer when his brother OD’d in 2020. He lives on the other side of the country, so I don’t get to see him too often in person. He’s an amazing dude, with a happy little family, one daughter. I was able to visit them a few months ago.

It was a great phone call. Lasted about 30 minutes. He encouraged me to take the opportunity to focus on me. He said I am sometimes over focused on helping or fixing others. He described his bachelor days. In his early days, he was a ski patrol in Colorado. Skied every day for 2 years, but learned a lot about himself. Found his love of wine, which is now his career. When he met his now wife, he knew a lot about himself and recognized traits in her that were great for him, that made him an even better version of himself.

It was great to hear, and showed the importance of taking this time to work on myself. It will be a long process. I have a lot more to learn about myself. We talked about the time between my last D and beginning to date.

I admitted it was probably too short. I do know I did a lot of work and learned a lot about myself. However, something I’ve realized within the last 5 years is how I’ve done some things backwards in life, at least compared to the norm. Since I was a kid, I wanted a wife and family, and to be happily married forever. So I married my first serious college girlfriend. I actually wanted to break up with XW early on, but couldn’t bring myself to end the R. Eventually the love I had for her grew and grew, and I was really happily married. But it wasnt a great foundation for a marriage. I realized all of that through D#1.

The other thing I did “backwards” was my party phase. Of course not everyone has one. But I avoided alcohol and drugs when I was younger. I didnt want to be like my dad in that regard, who had serious alcohol problems. I started drinking after D, but I felt ready. There were lots of incredibly fun times, but it’s caused it’s own issues over these years. Made me deprioritize my daughter slightly, and W started to get turned off when I would overdrink on a night out. Her mom has severe alcohol problems, and my drinking started to trigger W, I believe. It was no longer fun. So I’ve been cutting back since last December.

But it just made me think how I’d wished I had done things in the more normal order. Listen to the song “Out Of My System” by My Morning Jacket (my favorite band) for commentary.

I’m not dwelling on this, because I can’t turn back time. This is the life I’ve chosen and walked. It’s about what I do next. But one thing I need to do is to come to terms with the choices I’ve made.

And it’s certainly not all bad, it’s mostly good. I have 2 awesome kids. I’ve had many great times with both wives. I’ve overcome pain I never knew I would experience.

I’m rambling and would like to jot down a few more notes from the call with my cousin. I told him the details of the sitch with my mom. I knew he would understand based on previous conversations. And he did. He has a great ability to validate a deep pain and also bring humor to it. “Cuz, your mom’s tendancies run in the (surname) genes haha” and proceeded to tell me about his mom, and our other aunts. It lightened the situation for me which I desperately needed.

After we hung up, I felt elated the rest of the day. Even went for an eye exam (first in years) and bought 2 new pairs of glasses with much more updated designs. I’ve been wearing the same pair for years. The look like they’re from 2007. Cant wait to get the new ones.

I attended a happy hour event with coworkers. Just drank soda water w/ like. I’m not drinking for the time being, at least until it’s much less raw. That was fun.

Ended the night with an episode of a baking show with D11. Now winding down with this journal, a big cup of ice water (it is HOT and miserable here, and my AC is struggling) and watching a bit of Star Wars: A New Hope. It never gets old for me.

I took a Benadryl to help me sleep tonight. I dont plan to make that a habit. I’ve just been waking up so much during the night this week. I need a solid night of sleep.

[Card29]

Card you are so far ahead of so many especially so early in the piece. Seriously you’re doing awesome. Gosh I was absolutely breaking every rule under the Sun. I think you handled that well.

One of the few perks of going through this twice in one lifetime haha

I was a disaster the first time. Pleaded, begged, cried in her apartment as I was leaving. I get it. I was dragged kicking and screaming into DB by the people here, and I cant thank them enough.

I would just also say I know she blames your mother as a reason to leave, I don’t think that’s the real reason, it’s just something she can clutch to and validate her issues.

100% agree. I’m going to work on boundaries with my mom in the coming weeks. That will be for me and my kids. If it’s also for the benefit of a future R with W, that is a bonus. As for the real issues for W, I’m sure I know some of them, and I’m sure there are some that would surprise me. I’ll learn them if she’s ever ready to share, and that’s if she can figure out what they are.

She needs to find her way out of this. She really needs professional help which is why it’s good you’re at counselling but maybe she needs her own sessions too.

I’m not expecting she’ll want to schedule another joint session after tomorrow, based on her words this week. We’ll see. But she is seeing her own counselor, and is working to find a permanent one (not limited by my work’s EAP). I start counseling for myself next week, and I’m working with XW to get a counselor for D11. S1 is having the time of his life everyday, so he’s good atm haha

Thank you for all of the thoughts and kind words. I will keep following your journey, too.

[Pattnee5]

That’s really good Card, really good to realise you shouldn’t be drinking. I was the same we can’t numb the emotions and it’s a depressant. I would have been a mess if I even tried to drink those early days. Now I enjoy it again.
Also great for you to realise now is the time for you to do the work on you. W has to do her work on her own before she can even think of doing the work on you together.
We can’t fix them they need to dig deep and help themselves. If they manage to do it then maybe, just maybe, we have a shot a reconciliation. But when they are in their turmoil they aren’t capable of dealing with the R. They don’t have the capacity it’s just another ball in the air for them to try and juggle. Believe me it’s taken me a while to realise this. We have to just let them be in their turmoil and figure themselves out. In the meantime make yourself the best version of you. I have managed to grow so much in 8 months, priorities change I feel lighter and happier than I have been in at least a year. It’s a great feeling

[Card29]

Sleep is still not great. I can go to sleep easily. Staying asleep is the problem. And I’m waking up every morning with an uneasy stomach, feelings of dread.

[Kind18]

Sleep is still not great. I can go to sleep easily. Staying asleep is the problem. And I’m waking up every morning with an uneasy stomach, feelings of dread.

You need to exercise WAY more. That’s the key to resetting your sleep.

Read my thread about the importance of exercise, and don’t make excuses or give us reasons why you can’t do it (I don’t have time, I’m too busy, I have a knee injury blah blah blah).

Heavy exercise is better than IC for mental health and sleep during divorce.

[Card29]

I hadnt thought about that. I havent exercised in a couple of weeks. I have to get it back in my routine.

Any advice for morning queasiness? Maybe it will be tied to the sleep. But I wake up 1-2 hours before I need to get up, and it just builds for the next 2 hours. It also seems related to anxiety and dread of the situation. Waking up in an empty bedroom and 2 kids that need *me*, not a team of 2.

I’m getting back to some mindfulness exercises. Might subscribe to headspace unless there is a better recommendation

[Pattnee5]

The queasiness is anxiety or lack of eating properly I used to get it too. Bad. Stress, everything it’s a horrible feeling.

Kind is right. Exercise hit the gym. I started going at 5am 😖( I know lunacy) then get home get kids ready for school and go to work. On days I didn’t work I would also do a 1 hour walk with the dog. Safe to say by 9pm was in bed and slept like a baby. It stops the mind running rampant

[Card29]

Maybe a morning workout is what I need. I'm already getting up at 5:45 with the kids (early bus for D11). That feels like a workout in itself. I've always been a night owl. In my 20's I could stay up very late, like 1, 2 even 3am, just doing nothing, and then wake up at 6:30 and be fine all day. Craziness, I have no idea how I did that. I've been in denial about it for a lot of my 30's, that I could still do it. So I was staying up late, like after midnight every night, and then I could not get out of bed until 7:30, then 8:00, then 8:30. The early school schedule that just started is at least getting me tired early. Bed starts sounding good around 9:00. I watched a movie until 10:30 last night when I could have went to sleep at 9:30.

But as Kind suggests, I think I'm just not getting enough exercise. I do have some weights at home, so I'll start hitting those.