I’m back :(

[Card29]

I wanted to journal the phone call I had with my cousin around lunchtime today, and other parts of my day. This is mostly for me, but if anyone wants to read this wall of text, you’re more than welcome.

I’d had an ok morning, I was able to focus at work (mostly out of necessity as things that were going to explode if I didn’t get them done today). But there were still this periods of pain, dread, etc. I know those will keep coming from time to time for a long while, so I’m trying to observe them and let them be.

I was driving back from lunch and decided I’d call my older cousin, probably around 47 yrs old. We didn’t grow up near each other, plus the age gap was huge when we were young. I didn’t start to connect with him until the last 10 years. We started getting much closer when his brother OD’d in 2020. He lives on the other side of the country, so I don’t get to see him too often in person. He’s an amazing dude, with a happy little family, one daughter. I was able to visit them a few months ago.

It was a great phone call. Lasted about 30 minutes. He encouraged me to take the opportunity to focus on me. He said I am sometimes over focused on helping or fixing others. He described his bachelor days. In his early days, he was a ski patrol in Colorado. Skied every day for 2 years, but learned a lot about himself. Found his love of wine, which is now his career. When he met his now wife, he knew a lot about himself and recognized traits in her that were great for him, that made him an even better version of himself.

It was great to hear, and showed the importance of taking this time to work on myself. It will be a long process. I have a lot more to learn about myself. We talked about the time between my last D and beginning to date.

I admitted it was probably too short. I do know I did a lot of work and learned a lot about myself. However, something I’ve realized within the last 5 years is how I’ve done some things backwards in life, at least compared to the norm. Since I was a kid, I wanted a wife and family, and to be happily married forever. So I married my first serious college girlfriend. I actually wanted to break up with XW early on, but couldn’t bring myself to end the R. Eventually the love I had for her grew and grew, and I was really happily married. But it wasnt a great foundation for a marriage. I realized all of that through D#1.

The other thing I did “backwards” was my party phase. Of course not everyone has one. But I avoided alcohol and drugs when I was younger. I didnt want to be like my dad in that regard, who had serious alcohol problems. I started drinking after D, but I felt ready. There were lots of incredibly fun times, but it’s caused it’s own issues over these years. Made me deprioritize my daughter slightly, and W started to get turned off when I would overdrink on a night out. Her mom has severe alcohol problems, and my drinking started to trigger W, I believe. It was no longer fun. So I’ve been cutting back since last December.

But it just made me think how I’d wished I had done things in the more normal order. Listen to the song “Out Of My System” by My Morning Jacket (my favorite band) for commentary.

I’m not dwelling on this, because I can’t turn back time. This is the life I’ve chosen and walked. It’s about what I do next. But one thing I need to do is to come to terms with the choices I’ve made.

And it’s certainly not all bad, it’s mostly good. I have 2 awesome kids. I’ve had many great times with both wives. I’ve overcome pain I never knew I would experience.

I’m rambling and would like to jot down a few more notes from the call with my cousin. I told him the details of the sitch with my mom. I knew he would understand based on previous conversations. And he did. He has a great ability to validate a deep pain and also bring humor to it. “Cuz, your mom’s tendancies run in the (surname) genes haha” and proceeded to tell me about his mom, and our other aunts. It lightened the situation for me which I desperately needed.

After we hung up, I felt elated the rest of the day. Even went for an eye exam (first in years) and bought 2 new pairs of glasses with much more updated designs. I’ve been wearing the same pair for years. The look like they’re from 2007. Cant wait to get the new ones.

I attended a happy hour event with coworkers. Just drank soda water w/ like. I’m not drinking for the time being, at least until it’s much less raw. That was fun.

Ended the night with an episode of a baking show with D11. Now winding down with this journal, a big cup of ice water (it is HOT and miserable here, and my AC is struggling) and watching a bit of Star Wars: A New Hope. It never gets old for me.

I took a Benadryl to help me sleep tonight. I dont plan to make that a habit. I’ve just been waking up so much during the night this week. I need a solid night of sleep.