I’m back :(

[Card29]

One of my favorite things about being a parent so far is watching them surprise me. I know they always know more than they show, yet it never ceases to amaze me. D11 is very intelligent. I’m sure there will be a million thoughts swirling in her head. I’m going to keep making her feel invited to ask me things or tell me how she’s feeling.

That sounds really manipulative of your H, and also like he was/is running from guilt and pain. My W hasnt been nasty, but it’s also clear to me she’s running from pain. She has been for many months in different ways. She’s went from 1 tattoo to 15. She escaped to Europe for weeks, started fantasizing about us moving there, and she hardly told anyone anything about the pain and issues she was going through. Her best friends havent heard about her cognitivitw issues related to MS, at least last ai heard. Her family knows only what they’ve sensed. Many people have been concerned about her for a while because her behavior has been obvious, but she hasnt opened up. Her dad has asked me what’s going on with her the last 3 times I saw him, and I couldnt tell him. It felt like violating W’s trust in me. She has a complicated relationship with her dad.

BD was 3 days ago and she has seen S1 for maybe 15 minutes, and hasn’t asked anything about him. Doesn’t surprise me as she did this for weeks while in Europe. Running running running

[Card29]

I had a text conversation with W this morning. She texted about logistics with S1. Once that was settled, I threw out "How are you?". She shared some feelings and thoughts, nothing too deep. She asked how I was.

I tried not to throw too much at her, just acknowledged I was working through emotions and reaching out to people for help. I said, "I'm confused, but I know you may not have answers to my questions right now, or you don't want to answer them. I know it was hard for you to say what you did on Sunday."

She said "I'm glad you're reaching out and I'm sure you are hurting too, it's not just me".

I acknowledge this, and I encouraged her to open up to some people. "I know how you like to tackle things yourself." I felt like I was pushing a little too hard with this one. She changed the subject after that, so I didn't go back to anything R related. A few texts about the kids. At this point, we were all (D11, S1, dog) waiting at the bus stop in the dark, so I shared a picture and a video of S1 watching the big, flashing bus roll up through the night. She was appreciative, and I left it there.

[Pattnee5]

It’s hard isn’t it Card, the emotions, just wanting to know every second what they are thinking or feeling, wanting to know if they are hurting too.
I know it’s early days so I know what that was like, reaching out wanting to know sending pics of yourself with the kids to show “ hey look what you’re missing etc” I learnt pretty quickly they don’t really care. I even didn’t send H pics or videos recently of our daughters stage final competition where she qualified to go to the national championships and he didn’t even ask to see them or anything. I felt so bad for D14( although she didn’t know) but that’s how messed up they are in their own head.

I would say give her a really wide berth at the moment. Give her all that space she wants. Keep the conversations to just around the kids, don’t ask how she is, let her ask or offer up her feelings. If she asks you keep it brief and don’t give alot away( I wouldn’t even bother asking her back how she is but that’s just me and where I am now I broke all the rules early on)
This is all still R talk and definitely off limits in DB. Read sandis rules. I broke so many… repeatedly.
You need to start doing a 180 and treat her like an acquaintance and let her ride her roller coaster alone. It’s hard. It’s so incredibly incredibly hard, but turn your focus inward on yourself now and start focusing on you.

[Pattnee5]

She definitely doesn’t want to hear you tell her to reach out to people for help/ support. That would have gone in one ear out the other. The amount of times I would tell H early on to seek support to speak to someone to seek counselling, it’s almost like it worked in reverse and they just become more stubborn. You can’t fix her you can’t make her get help. If she wants to do it alone she will ( and most likely is)
I hope you ended up having a good day, smiling, and enjoying some time doing something you love

[Card29]

I was thinking the asking her a simple “how are you” was part of the “try something and react” strategy. I backed off when she changed subject and dont plan on asking again. I hope to have a clearer picture after counseling tomorrow. I dont have high hopes or expectations for it. I think she will only want to talk logistics. Per her words yesterday, she wants a D to be over quick and easy. I know it wont regardless of how fast things are filed, etc. We could get a D finalized tomorrow and it would not relieve either of our pain.

You are right, I need to let go. I dont feel like I’ve been a total failure with that. Today was the only time I’ve “checked in” with her. She did seem to respond for a bit before changing subject. I thought I remembered from the past that if there is communication going on and it’s 2-way, but it seems like she just wants space.

[Card29]

I need to let her initiate except for logistics or other necessities. I should say bye first

[Card29]

Trying to let fears of the future come and go, not to dwell. I just had a swell of fear of losing my in-laws. I've become closer to them than most of my family.

[Ready2Change]

....BD was 3 days ago....

Hopefully you can make positive changes to your behavior quicker than most that arrive here since you have been exposed to this before.


Drop any/all unattractive behaviors.
Start adding attractive behaviors.

Do your research into attractive male behavior. Do not be supplicating. Do not be open with her about your emotional state. Project that life is amazing now. You can express your sadness or anger or whatever you are feeling here, and in private, when and where it is safe.

Agree with her that the relation sucked (by your behavior when interacting with her).

two of my mantras:

1) I do not share my woman with other men (or women).
2) I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me.

Enthusiastically support her. Do not argue with her. Actively listen to her...IE relate to her emotional state when she is talking to you. "You sound sad"...or "I bet that mad you mad" etc


Be on purpose. Do not be boring.

[Card29]

Hi Ready, I remember you from the first time. Thank you for joining my thread. I see some of the other people that were here (uRworthy, Wonka, others) don't post much anymore, and that's okay. It's great to see some of their wisdom pinned at the top. There seems to still be a great community here, and I'm excited to join it again.

Hopefully you can make positive changes to your behavior quicker than most that arrive here since you have been exposed to this before.

I feel like I'm ahead of the curve but still with a lot of work to do. I do truly believe in it, it's just overcoming the urges to fix, to reach out, etc.

Drop any/all unattractive behaviors.
Start adding attractive behaviors.

Do your research into attractive male behavior. Do not be supplicating. Do not be open with her about your emotional state. Project that life is amazing now. You can express your sadness or anger or whatever you are feeling here, and in private, when and where it is safe.

Do you have a resource you recommend. I do remember and read on some of the pinned threads about acting like everything is amazing. Dressing better, taking care of myself, exercising, GAL, *not pursuing*. Again, I screwed up this morning, but otherwise, I'd say my behavior in this first week is where I was after 3 months or so the first time.

Do you have any book recommendations on this topic? I remember the book Hold On to Your N.U.T.s but honestly, didn't read the whole thing and got rid of it a couple of years ago.

Agree with her that the relation sucked (by your behavior when interacting with her).

I can proudly say I have not made the beginner mistake of trying to make her believe everything was better than she thought. So far she hasn't even said a word about our on R, only about MIL. I think there's a lot she hasn't said, I suspect a lot of it as I've been aware of her pain for over a year, but it is now up to her to come to me with it.

two of my mantras:

1) I do not share my woman with other men (or women).
2) I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me.

I need to hear these, especially the 2nd one. I just had a phone call with an awesome older cousin that emphasized #2, among many other great points. I'm going to journal that phone call here later.

Enthusiastically support her. Do not argue with her. Actively listen to her...IE relate to her emotional state when she is talking to you. "You sound sad"...or "I bet that made you mad" etc

Be on purpose. Do not be boring.

Great things to here. Putting them in quotes here for my sake.

[Ready2Change]

Do you have any book recommendations on this topic?

Look here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

I would put the "counter-intuitive ways to attract" high on your list.

Sounds like you have extended family interactions to deal with as well. Definitely listen to DNJ.


I had to deal with my father on a few ways he was interacting with my lady. This stuff is never easy, but speaking one on one with your relatives and setting some boundaries helps.

Here is the outline for your boundaries:

When you...
I feel....
If you....
I will....
If you continue......
I will....



Just fill in the ... with the actions and your responses.


Example:
When you post to this forum, and then do not follow anyone's solid advise, I feel frustrated. If you keep ignoring solid advise, but continue to ask for advise, I will give you some time to implement the changes. If I see no changes after several months, I will stop posting on your thread and focus my energy on others that are more receptive.

No threats or attempts to control, just how I will respond to certain behavior.