Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I think my situation is just way way too wierd/strange. No “separated” people live like this.

H is in crisis. Any ideas, thoughts, expectations that he is going to behave “normally” will be unmet.

Yes, absolutely, your situation is way too weird. I’ve been there, even got the T-shirt. My kids have been there too, and still are. XW/Mom is still lost.

H is a lost soul. He has very much lost the plot. Lives in a ramble of an apartment, hardly sees his kids or interacts with anyone. He appears to be stuck.

Yep, an MLCer will not display much outward progress. Most of their emotional journey is internal. What one does see is their running behaviours. Your H is brooding, like a teenager. He needs to grow up from that time/stage. And that takes longer than eight months.

I think I just feel like a failure that I didn’t keep fighting ( even though I know there’s nothing left to fight for when the other person isn’t on the same page).

Fighting begets fighting.

Let go, and focus on you and the kids. Not H, or divorce, or drinking, etc. That which one focuses on becomes larger.

I am excited for what the future may hold and I do absolutely love the idea of making my own decisions and my own path for me and my kids and even moreso that they will grow up in a stable loved environment away from the dreaded alcohol. H mentioned this morning as we crossed paths that his 24yo nephew ( sisters kid) is in a bad way with drinking and alot of other issues. H sister is a “high functioning alcoholic” as she self proclaims. I didn’t say anything to that comment other that that such a sad situation. In my head our S12 was eating breakfast right nearby and I just thanked my lucky stars he doesn’t have to watch his dads habit every night and learn that’s how we deal with stress. Apples don’t fall far from the trees.

Be excited for your future. Run to something rather than run from something. Embracing your future does not necessitate getting a divorce by the way.

Divorce splits assets and custody. That’s it.

If you need financial protection or security, then get it. If there is abuse or likewise, then get protection. Otherwise I leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. Maybe that’s you now. Might want to give that a few months to ensure you are acting on something deeper than feelings. Decisions based upon emotions will lead to regret.

Regarding keeping kids away from Dad’s drinking: Isn’t H entitled to 50/50? Could he not have kids one week on and one week off? He might sign over sole custody to you. He might not. My wife did, though she was really off the rails.

One of you biggest complaints is his drinking. You placed a boundary (poured it down the drain), and H has not crossed that line in the sand. That’s only been a few days, and I’m thinking he will test your resolve at some point. However, my point is that I think you expected him not to respect your boundary. Unmet expectations, even if the outcome is positive or favourable, brings about resentment.

Before completely upsetting the apple cart, speak to a lawyer. Ensure you know the best, worst, and most likely scenarios of outcome in all this. Knowledge is power.

I do like Kind’s thief analogy. Yes, draw a line on disrespectful behaviour and how you are to be treated. That applies beyond one’s spouse; it applies to everyone you interact with. That is a boundary.

How one holds themselves and others accountable, how one embraces and faces responsibility, and a host of other characteristics and values. You, my dear Patt, are a success.

MLC is emotionally driven. H’s path, progress, or lack thereof, has little to do with you. It’s been eight months, and no way H come out of his fog that quickly. You do see signs every now and then, yet mostly just that brooding teen. All pretty standard for a crisis.

Our problems arises when we overlay our ideas and expectations. For H will not respond logically or rationally. He will respond emotionally. And that is why it takes so very long for him to find his way, as his emotions are all over the place. Even though his emotions are mostly hidden, they are consuming and always pushing. Remember, he is cranked to eleven.

Running is them trying to run from themselves. Some drink, do drugs, spend money. H sits alone and broods. Doesn’t even brush his teeth.

His journey is not about you. So don’t make it so.

You’ve found indifference. Now find Pattnee. Your convictions. Your journey. A great opportunity while the noise of H is muted.

D