Anyone who is giving their walk away spouse a last chance to suddenly change his/her mind, by definition, is not detached.
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it’s coming up to almost a year now and I have really tried everything to save our marriage because you know I love you very much and have done alot of work on myself over that time. However this current situation is not working the living arrangements and the comings and goings is not working for me or for the kids.while you may be comfortable with this scenario I am not and the time has come to decide how we move forward. You know how I feel and I want to work together with you to hopefully rebuild our marriage and save it and I truly believe in my heart if we both work together we can. However actions do also speak louder than words and you have not shown any actions towards wanting to repair us, rather shift blame to me and walk away. So I think you now need to decide what you want to do. You have had time and space on your own and now you need to decide if we come back together and do the work we both need to, or else we continue with what you proposed and separate and do it properly whereby we can both move on with our lives and only converse regarding the kids and in this case the best option for everyone and for me emotionally to move forward from our life together will be to split everything now and go our seperate ways.
Let me go through this step by step.
- He knows it’s been a year, doesn’t need you telling him. He’ll see that as pressure/manipulation. - Why tell him you love him? He knows that. You’ve said it a thousand times. Every time you say it, he loses more respect for you. - “Time for you to decide” = manipulation - “Save our marriage … I believe we can.” - No, you can’t. Because he doesn’t want to. It requires two people to want it. - “You need to decide.” - More manipulation. Plus, it screams “I’m still going to let you keep doing this until you decide.”
I’m sorry, but this carefully crafted message of pressure simply won’t work - and is counter to DB principles.
No-one ever talked their partner out of divorce - you can only act your way out of it.
You need to think of him like a dog with a ball. Give him the ball, walk away and within five minutes he’ll be completely disinterested - because it’s his, at any time, and he knows it. But chase him around trying to take the ball off him, or put another dog who wants that same ball in the yard, suddenly he’ll want it more than all the other dog toys in the world. I’m not advocating this because it’s still manipulation, but you’d be ten times more likely to win him back by dressing provocatively and going on a date with another man than sending some ultimatum message. Talk to R2C about this and read the art of seduction.
If you’re at the end of your tether and want to move on - then you file. If you want him to initiate, then you keep eating sh*t sandwiches in silence. It’s really that simple. I’ll say it again just for effect - no-one ever saved their marriage by pressuring or manipulating their spouse with words. Actions - actions - actions.
If you decide it’s game over and you want to move on with your life, then do it. Your long message above can be shortened - perhaps something like this:
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One year ago, you decided to end our marriage and family. I’m sick of waiting for you to file and living in limbo, so I’ve emailed my lawyer and you will be served on Monday. No hard feelings wish you all the best - Pattnee.
