I’m back :(

[Card29]

I've re-ordered DB/DR.

This quote was regarding talking to my mom and D11:

I’d likely not say anything at this moment. Let things progress a bit first. See what W does. When she returns home, and what arrangements she proposes, for example.

I don't think W is returning home anytime soon. I just had a phone call with her. She's worried about our D being long, drawn out and terrible like her parents' D was. She's already thinking about D. She's going out of town next weekend. I know she's in chaos, maybe has a taste of freedom, and is just thinking there's no way she can come back. I know that can change but I don't think this is a case of she wanted to spend a couple nights at a friends house to clear her head and will come back this weekend and we'll make next steps. I'm not trying to hyper analyze what she said, but I gather that this separation is at least going to go on too long to hide it from D11. And if I say something to D11, I'll have to tell M.

Do you still think I should try to hold off on these conversations? Stall D11 with an answer like "she's staying at a friend's house the next couple of nights" and not hint at any marital problems?

One needs to prioritize their marriage and kids. And yes, too much interference is not a good thing.

Going forward, when the opportunity arises, admit this to W. Not plead, nor beg, just acknowledge and apologize for not seeing and understanding the interference and slow erosion of you two. And work to rectify it.

I will try to wait for the right opportunity. I'm going to have to fight my tendencies to push for this. I can tell she is in no mood to talk about problems or solutions. She implied she wishes the D could be done and over with, pain free. I think she just wants to be out of pain and sees that as the way. I think she has a painful road ahead of her. I don't think this is just about MIL.

To me, W is not yet out the door. From the sounds of what you’ve shared, she’s not given the ILYBNILWY speech. She sounds rather frustrated and overwhelmed. I believe there is plenty of opportunity to turn this around.

The BD conversation lasted maybe 2 minutes. I feel like there's a lot she hasn't told me yet.

I'm trying not to give my hopes up that it's just about MIL, which I agree should have relatively straightforward solutions. I still think it has a lot to do with her being fiercely independent, and losing that independence with MS and her inability to do her job. I know I'm playing armchair therapist with that, but it's been my gut feel for a year now. Her MS/Job issues and MIL have been the things she has talked about the most the last year.