I’m back :(

[Card29]

DnJ, thank you for all of your thoughts. I hate that I'm back, but am also so thankful for the people here.

Regarding D11, I’d not divulge too many details just yet. Certainly answer her questions honestly and age appropriately. And if things around the home between you and W have been declining for a while, D11 may have more of a handle on things than you figure. She may ask some difficult questions. Do not lie. Ever. You can tell her you can’t talk about it right now and will discuss later. Or I don’t know, however, I will discuss this with you when I do. Things like that, just ensure you do get back to her.

Explanations can be pretty vague right now. And they are. For you don’t know the underlying cause or reasons.

What daughter needs, and you need to ensure, is that she doesn’t blame herself. In your conversation with D11, you explain the problems are only between you and W. Tell D11 you love her. And are there for her.

I was going to wait until after our counseling on Thursday to tell D11, but I'm think I'll tell her tonight. She asked about W 3 different times last night. I can't play it off 3 nights in a row. She luckily didn't notice she wasn't at home this morning. Thank you for your advice. I need to be intentional about sparing unnecessary details. I have a tendency to overshare.

Your W is obviously depressed. Her MS, possible deterioration, poor treatment from her MIL, new baby, new responsibilities, and so on; one’s plate can get overfilled in short order.

You are correct, it is pretty rare for a walk away wife to behave such. A WAW is walking away from their husband and marriage, not their children. Five weeks away from her one year old son, and for her to feel next to nothing. To even consider she could have remained away and not missed anyone, illustrates a lot of depression. That withdrawal into self. Such inner suffering, that the world and others doesn’t really register. W simply doesn’t have the bandwidth.

However, she recognizes it, and is attending consulting. Both good things. Do be supportive, and listen when she feels like talking. No pressure. Just validate her feelings. She has to find her way out of the darkness.

It has hurt to see how much W has struggled. I am a "fixer" and I've tried to offer help where I saw a need. She tends to not want any help. She likes doing everything herself without asking for anything. I think that's one of the deepest fears she has with her MS, that eventually she won't be able to do anything for herself, or a lot of things. She already had to lean heavily on a fellow teacher just to get through last year. That was another reason she wanted to go to Europe by herself, to prove to herself that she could do it. She spent many of the days by herself, essentially backpacking. That was one of the aspects of her trips that I liked, seeing her feel empowered.

Let go the fear of seeing daughter. It’s likely not rooted in seeing D11, or even talking to her; those are merely triggers to an imagined unwanted future. Fear highjacks one’s emotions and produces powerful feelings which are not directly causal. Rationalizing the trigger, event, and imagined future, helps uncouple that tangle of feelings.

It was wonderful to see D11 yesterday. I knew it was irrational. I'm not as fearful to talk to her today. At least that's how I feel right now.

Remain in the house. Also remain in the master bedroom. You are wanting the marriage, and willing to work for it. You are responsible, and care and provide for your family, especially son and daughter. Ensure you display that.

If W wants to live elsewhere, let her. If she wants to sleep on the couch, let her. You don’t!

I'm definitely not moving out right now. The worst part is my mom living 2 doors down. I'm sick about her right now. And that's an entire different question.

**What should I say to my mom about this?**

I'm thinking I shouldn't divulge too many details yet. But I also I don't see how I can just say "she's not happy in our marriage and we're separating right now". She's going to flood me with support like she did last time, and I don't want any of it from her. Realizing how awful my R with my mom is is another pain in this situation that I haven't begun to process yet. But if I tell D11 tonight, I'm going to have to tell my mom at least the basics, too. I have no problem ripping off band-aids and exposing the sores, but it feels too early. BD was 2 days ago and WAW and I have not really had a conversation since, only logistics talk.