Acceptance 2

[DnJ]

Hello Rock

I’m being honest with myself that interacting with her takes a toll on me.

Yep, it certainly does.

So what are you going to do? That’s do, not try. Do a 180, or try more of the same?

W needs to feel the loss before she might turn around. She goes silent for a while, starts to feel the loss, and then contacts you. Even if her reason is frivolous, she contacts you, and gets her fix.

W called me on Saturday because her (our) car was not driving properly and she pulled off to the side of the road. I didn’t answer her call at first and she texted saying she needed me to call her right away. She was distressed and said “Why won’t you answer your phone? I need help.” I replied calmly that I don’t always have my phone with me and asked what she needed. I drove over and assisted her with the car.

Some advice, or maybe even wisdom if you see it that way:

W is a grown woman, let her fail. Car troubles, so what. She can call a tow truck and look after things. It’s her idea to not be around you. So let her. Let her feel that.

That’s not mean or vindictive, it’s standing up for yourself. And it is displaying respect for W and her ability as an adult. Let her grapple with her responsibilities. She’s driving the car; you’re not even there.

If you were employing the 24-48 hour rule, this matter would have had to be handled by W. You would have simply gone about your day, doing whatever was interrupted.

Another strategy, only deal with texts and phone messages on Friday evening, or some other night once a week. You can tell her that too. I’d also add, a vague text of “call me right away” is no good. If there is truly an emergency state such. These crying wolf episodes are diluting my belief in your sincerity of stated need.

Do you recall my advice of not contacting or responding to her for her month long vacation? That was a golden opportunity for you, and likely for her too.

As for her telling you about son’s time camping and stuff. Pffft. Ignore her! W will twist and sow doubts in you.

Look, if son has a problem he needs to come to you. And you know the camping was great. Put W’s poisonous words at arm’s length. Actually, toss her words aside, and get back to focus on you.

She also brought up a difficult time a few weeks ago that S told her about from when she was away on her trip. She asked why I didn’t tell her about that. I told her that we managed that difficult time well and I would be happy to talk more with her about it. She told me she didn’t want to.

Sheesh. First she’s mad you didn’t inform her when she was away without you and family. Then she’s not pleased that you handled it. And when you offer to actually talk to her now, she doesn’t want to. So why is she bringing it up? Why Rock? Because she is using it against you. Trying to justify her feelings, decisions, and path.

Stop taking the bait. Go weekly with her. She has a weekly window of time (minutes, not hours) to discuss stuff with you. She best not waste that precious limited time on projections and frivolous garbage. Of course, that’s her choice. Once time elapses, you stop reading texts/emails, hang up. Then she’s got to wait seven more days.

I’m writing all this here as some of my process. I want to avoid analyzing interactions. But to acknowledge that it is strained and difficult and I am working on myself and how I show up.

I think a little less “showing up” for W would be beneficial. Be less available. Be doing something. And it’s ok for it to not be any of her business. In fact, I’d ensure to make it that way.

D