Situation tonight is she went to stay at a friend’s. Son is asleep here. And I have no idea how to explain any of this to D11 , who is back with me starting tomorrow (I have her week on, week off).
Any immediate recommendations?
Regarding D11, I’d not divulge too many details just yet. Certainly answer her questions honestly and age appropriately. And if things around the home between you and W have been declining for a while, D11 may have more of a handle on things than you figure. She may ask some difficult questions. Do not lie. Ever. You can tell her you can’t talk about it right now and will discuss later. Or I don’t know, however, I will discuss this with you when I do. Things like that, just ensure you do get back to her.
Explanations can be pretty vague right now. And they are. For you don’t know the underlying cause or reasons.
What daughter needs, and you need to ensure, is that she doesn’t blame herself. In your conversation with D11, you explain the problems are only between you and W. Tell D11 you love her. And are there for her.
Your W is obviously depressed. Her MS, possible deterioration, poor treatment from her MIL, new baby, new responsibilities, and so on; one’s plate can get overfilled in short order.
Originally Posted by Card29
She went to Europe to visit her best friend twice this year. Gone for a total of 5 weeks with a 1yo at home and she never acted like she missed either one of us. I picked up on it and asked about it a few times. Finally a few weeks ago, after she’d had a couple drinks, she opened up and said she “didn’t feel any emotional connection to anything”. Said she felt like she could have not come back and didnt feel like she would have missed anyone, including S1. That was deeply troubling, and she even admitted it was. That’s when we started counseling. I’m not an expert but I don’t get the impression that it’s common for a WAW to also lose a connection to their child?
You are correct, it is pretty rare for a walk away wife to behave such. A WAW is walking away from their husband and marriage, not their children. Five weeks away from her one year old son, and for her to feel next to nothing. To even consider she could have remained away and not missed anyone, illustrates a lot of depression. That withdrawal into self. Such inner suffering, that the world and others doesn’t really register. W simply doesn’t have the bandwidth.
However, she recognizes it, and is attending consulting. Both good things. Do be supportive, and listen when she feels like talking. No pressure. Just validate her feelings. She has to find her way out of the darkness.
Originally Posted by Card29
Just feel sick this morning. Cant focus at work. Almost scared to see D11 later.
Focus on you and kids. GAL. Do stuff to shift your focus off W and your marriage for periods of time. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Dig the garden. Physical activity has many positive benefits.
Let go the fear of seeing daughter. It’s likely not rooted in seeing D11, or even talking to her; those are merely triggers to an imagined unwanted future. Fear highjacks one’s emotions and produces powerful feelings which are not directly causal. Rationalizing the trigger, event, and imagined future, helps uncouple that tangle of feelings.
Originally Posted by Card29
I also am reliving the pain of D#1, too. Not sure why that’s coming back for the first time in many years.
Unfinished business.
Follow the sting. Seek, heal, and become.
Originally Posted by Card29
We’ll see what the house arrangements will be, but for now she’s staying at a friend’s house.
Remain in the house. Also remain in the master bedroom. You are wanting the marriage, and willing to work for it. You are responsible, and care and provide for your family, especially son and daughter. Ensure you display that.
If W wants to live elsewhere, let her. If she wants to sleep on the couch, let her. You don’t!
Hang in there. You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
